Sunday, June 22, 2008

What is wrong with me? Do you know?

I am sitting here blogging while my sweet husband who refuses to leave my side is sleeping sitting upright in a folding chair b/c he knows I have been feeling down for the better part of the evening. Yet the question remains: why am I feeling depressed tonight? I had a lovely morning, albeit a little stressful, but most Sunday mornings are like that: getting up, getting everyone ready but not too ready for church (since it doesn't start till 2:30!), feeding everyone lunch, mise en place for dinner, finalizing/printing my lesson for Sunday School (I teach the 10/11 yr. old boys and girls in Primary), making sure everyone is well-rested and blood sugar levels are normal to avoid meltdowns in Sacrament meeting..., my lesson went well and my class (as well as several other Primary Leaders/Teachers enjoyed the truffle brownies I made), I cooked a wonderful meal (sans the rolls I wanted to make and didn't have time for) of Cream o' Broccoli soup which weirdly enough is one of my kids' favorite meals (mine, too), then I crashed about dinnertime. I sulked at dinner, but enjoyed the food alot and figured it would pass soon. After dinner I slowly went downhill some more. I checked my email and found a note from an old friend who I adore in my spam mailbox. I guess since I had gotten 2 messages from her in a short time period it decided the latest was spam. I went to her blog, wherein she described her adventures around the world with her hubby and 4 kids, and I sighed several times. I miss her. I miss lots of friends who are scattered everywhere. I miss in High School where we had the time to just hang out for hours on end or talk on the phone into the night. I miss being able to get by on only a few hours of sleep! I feel like I am 80 most days. I truly think I need medication, but our health plan kind of sucks and I am doing well, I just crash somedays...

And so, I blog. I am sending out little I suppose. Or maybe the venting itself is all I need. I need to analyze my feelings, so I can come to some sane conclusion.

So here's the part that is actually confusing. I am blessed, truly, amazingly, "windows of Heaven opened and poured out upon us" blessed. I am grateful. I recognize so many countless blessings everyday that remind me that my Father in Heaven loves me, notices me, and wants me to be happy (no matter how eternally insignificant my day to day life may be), yet sometimes the loneliness presses in on me until I feel I cannot breathe and I will die from the sheer weight of emptiness in my heart. How is this possible?

Now my sweet 'Li'-Jane has woken and I know the best way to calm her and help her sleep is to nurse her, so I will do that, knowing that loving her is good for me, too. (sigh)

Today was good,
today is done
tomorrow is another one.
From here to there
and there to here
funny things are everywhere.

Someone tell me that I am not the only person in the world who is so incredibly lonely surrounded by people who I know love me. Oh well, noone is reading this since it's so new anyways... and I feel a lot better having vented.

Good night, Gracie.


The Mangrum Family said...

Hey Lady,

I understand how you feel (just about to post a blog myself, being that it's midnight and all). Just so you know, you're wonderful, and incredible at what you do (in fact, I don't know how you do it).

Feel Better! - Ellen

Texas Tingey said...

umm April, I am so glad I am not the only one that feels that way sometimes. Only, I try to hide it and try to hide it, and finally brake down to my husband (poor guy). And then, I move forward again.

I second Ellen.....I am always amazed at how together you have it with your kids and your are the most prepared person I have ever met.

make sure you come to girls night at my house on thursday at 7:00pm. That will help you feel better.

Texas Tingey said...

ps have you tried hypno birthing?

Lewis Family said...

YES! I studied the Hypnobabies (it is a more complete method than "Hypnobirthing") method for Eliza-Jane's birth. It was amazing: no pain, no drugs, no interventions. She came out in about 5 pushes and was purple in the face b/c she came so fast, and my recovery was wonderful, too. I'll email the whole story (5 pages, single-spaced with skinny margins!) to anyone who wants to hear it.

Texas Tingey said...

Would love to read the story.