WOW!

I almost skipped December completely; I'll post a whole plethora of pics later...

And just so you have something to do while you wait anxiously: name that movie and character if you can!

"Would you say I have a ... plethora of pinatas?"

What Are You Thankful For?

And Who are you thankful to?

Create

I love to be creative and make all kinds of things: sewing, cooking, baking, decorating, drawing, cleaning, hairstyles, singing, playing the piano, plinking on a guitar, tapping out rythyms, acting, building, fixing, landscaping, any art you can imagine.

To those of you who see what I do and say, "Wow, I wish I could do that",

I say, "Do it."




For the full transcript or to watch the entire address click here.

Feelings and Photos

Today and the past few days have been hard. I've been medicating myself with Dr. Pepper, which I know I need to stop, but it's keeping me sane right now. I need to find another doctor, and even have one in mind based on a friend's recommendation, but I'm not sure if that will work out and there are emotional issues in there, too. I am dealing with the fact that 2 of my good friends just had babies that were due right around the date I would have had a baby now if I had not miscarried the first time. I am happy for them and jealous and disappointed all at the same time. I feel peace and hope, yet anxiety and confusion. Or perhaps it's the other way around? I want to cry, but find myself unable to. Maybe this is what people mean when they say they don't like being on medication for moods/depression. Not being able to cry at all, b/c your hormones are being blocked is not a good thing. And I'm pretty sure Robert has no idea that I am feeling this, b/c he is working on such a big project at work that he's already got about 55 hours this week (when he normally struggles to get his requisite 40, that's huge!), and I am trying to be the supportive wife who keeps it together instead of falling apart over something that happened months ago...

Angel has been a handful lately. He is frustrated by his pain and immobility. He can walk, but it hurts his foot and ankle. Robert is worried he may have somehow broken his foot either when the leg broke or while it was in the cast, but I don't think that's the case. I think Angel simply (right!) needs to do some physical therapy to get his foot and leg back into shape. He's a kid, he will bounce back, but he is so frustrated that he can't see past this obstacle. And I get annoyed with him, b/c I count on his help during the day with the sifties, and he's acting like he can't do basic things like get himself food anymore. He is a huge help to me still, changing diapers, keeping track of the little kids, etc., but he is starting to use his annoyed and angry voice right off with everyone, especially when he is feeling particularly uncomfortable or resentful (when other kids are running and playing for example). Then the Spirit is driven from our home and I come out swinging myself.

To top it off my period has started, and that always throws my moods into an uncontrollable downward spiral for a few days. Recognizing the cause is helpful, but doesn't stop it completely. And right now it adds to my remembrance of the miscarriages. The pain from cramps doesn't help anything either. Wow, I'm just a bit whiny today, eh? Let's post some pics of the last few weeks as a diversion.


I never posted about General Conference, which is always a spiritual feast, but this year was challenging to say the least. We were able to watch a few sessions at home on cable, so we didn't have to deal with the online video being choppy at best. However we try not to watch at home b/c it's hard on all of us to focus and sometimes stay awake as you can see above. It was a tiring weekend, Angel was ornery, I was still upset and bleeding a bit. Overall it was a memorable and miserable conference weekend. I miss conference when everyone had to go to the chapel for all the sessions, and you got to see everyone. It feels so lonely to be at home away from everyone, but inviting someone who doesn't have kids is kind of rude (it's not like my kids are perfectly quiet the whole time...) and having someone over who has kids has proven to be disastrous in the past. Perhaps that was not the most uplifting photo to post, but it was cute.

Next!

My parents came to visit on their way to Arkansas. We all LOVED having them, but they could only stay for 2 nights, and they spent most of Sunday avoiding us and going to visit with the newest grandbaby. I understand, but it was still hard not to be able to really relax and spend some good time with them. It was nice to see them at all since Florida is so far away, and it is expensive for 7 people to get out there not even counting the loss of a paycheck from taking off of work. My mom brought a slew of craft stuff (many things I used and remember as a kid!) and some shirts for the kids which I was trying to get a pic of here (I didn't take nearly enough pics while they were here :( ), but my mom was teasing Oliver and encouraging him when he kept flipping his around and the younger 3 could not contain themselves enough to look at the camera apparently. Silly.


The highlights of the visit were Pau Pau playing his guitar with the kids dancing around the living room (I have many fond memories of him playing Puff the magic Dragon when I was little), and Pau Pau reading our special "I love you, Grandpa" book to the girls. At least this time Isa didn't cry for days when they left. She was definitely sad, but she contained herself. Maybe next time they'll actually vacation with us or we'll get out to Florida...




Angel got his cast off, and has been using a cane we borrowed from our neighbor since the doctor told him at the check-up before that he could put weight on it. He has been doing great and it only took one night to teach him to use the cane, though it's taken some getting used to, of course. I am grateful we have wonderful neighbors to borrow things from, as well as my sister who lent us the crutches for so long.


I mostly finished costumes for the kids. Our ward party was the Wednesday before our family party, so I had to have costumes done 10 days early this year! Everything worked out fine. Angel & Oliver are rival Pokemon trainers (they still need more details, but it works), Isa is Princess Jasmine (in purple, of course), and Horatio wanted to be wall-e, so EJ got to be eve (by far the easiest costume ever! I just took a mask I found online, printed it on t-shirt transfer paper, then ironed it onto a onesie).


Our Halloween party went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, and though the house wasn't nearly as packed as it usually is we did have a good turnout. This year I made a slight change to the program. I usually do all the food: a couple of main dishes, sides, veggies, fruit, drinks, and tons of treats. This year I only did 2 punches and the treats, and did the rest potluck. It worked well and we had plenty of food. I also put chairs outside so people could sit there, as last year people congregated in the living room a lot I figured it was b/c that's where you could sit. We had Jack's Brains (gut a pumpkin, fill it with cooked spaghetti and lollipops, and let the kids dig into it) and bobbing for apples outside, a movie in the office off the front entry, and all the adults hung out in the kitchen mainly. I insisted on getting all the treats out at once and had to slap more than one hand to keep them at bay long enough to get a few pictures. It was funny to see everyone crowd around the counter waiting for the "Go" from me.

I got to make chocolate spiders (chocolate covered marshmallows with pull n' peel twizzler legs and red hot eyes), mini brownies, meringue ghosts and bones, butterscotch bar cookies, diamond sugar cookies, 2 kinds of chocolate dipped oreos (golden and original), jigglers, cupcakes (which the sifties all helped to decorate), and peanut butter cups (I love homemade peanut butter cups!). I stayed up until an hour which most people consider waking up time instead of my bedtime for 2 nights making everything. I made too much, and we still have peanut butter cups in the freezer (but I don't mind at all). The cupcakes did get wasted though, they weren't as big a hit as I thought they would be, even though they tasted good. Chocolate dipped candies have more appeal I suppose, though the kids would put them on plates then leave them everywhere... weird. Hungry yet?

A good friend of mine from High School (Yes, I'm one of those weirdos that LOVED High School) came to the party this year. Unfortunately he came right as everyone was clearing out, fortunately it gave us time to talk a bit and catch up some. It was a little awkward for me since I had a crush on him in HS, but he probably didn't notice. Right? Right?!

Here we are at the party (Me and "Marshmallow"). I was aiming for Little Red Riding hood, and having Robert be the wolf, but I only got as far as a quick hooded cape for me. Angel says I am Super Red Riding Mom. I'm going with that.


And here's the piano we finally bought. It's paid for, and it's mine. I love having a piano in the house, and this one is so beautiful it adds to the decor as well as being beautifully functional. And not having to pay a rental fee for the other one is a huge bonus for our savings.

Now, we must go to the library and once again pay our late fees before it closes. I wish Robert was home.

Btw, we need a piano bench. Anyone know of one I can get for cheap (or free)? It does need to have a cushion or be pretty high, b/c this piano is an upright grand and is quite tall.

Whew, I'm really done now.

You'll Have to Wait for the Pics

Sorry, I haven't uploaded them to my computer yet, and even though I am sitting right now at my computer, the camera is a WHOLE 15 feet away in the backpack. Which basically means it is too far away for me to get up and get, because that only means I will get distracted (I like shiny things...) and start doing other things on the way and when I do upload the pictures (I have lots of pictures that need tagging!). My brain takes multitasking to new levels. SO I will spare myself and post about something I've been thinking of for a while.

I love reading my friends blogs. It allows me to catch up on whose kids are how old, who finally got married, what jobs people are doing, what hobbies we share, etc. However it has dawned on me that noone usually posts about the boring everyday details of their lives, because, well, it's boring to you! But when I read old novels or historical fiction my favorite part is silly little everyday details. The point is I have no idea what the day to day doings of my old HS, college, and random friends are. Therefore you must read about mine. For posterity's sake, of course.

Here we go.

On my best day ever:

Robert is up, says prayers by the bed while I snooze, is out the door at some ridiculous hour, and texts me when he gets to work.
I get up about 9am.
I make the bed (please note people, this really means throwing my pillows to the head of the bed and straightening the covers, so I have a space to sort laundry, this does not mean hospital corners and dust ruffles).
I go potty (and yes I say potty, that's the word I use most of the time; get over it).
I weigh myself, about 3 times. My digital scale is weird.
I floss and do mouthwash, then shower.
After showering I get dressed (to shoes if I'm good), put my hair up somehow (braids, hairigami, or just ponytails of some sort; no gel, hairspray or anything), and brush my teeth.
Then I grab my phone, wallet, lip stuff (from the body shop), and any female stuff I may need for my pockets.
I unplug my stereo and phone charger to save energy.
I gather my dirty clothes, then remembering my prayers, kneel down for that.
If I've taken a while, the sifties will come in during that time, b/c they notice my light is on.
Grab dirty clothes again, reboot the laundry (usually I've got a load in the wash and dryer at any given time), grab the clean laundry and toss it on the bed to be sorted at a later time. Then I close the door so the kitties don't go in my room.
Usually at this point there are cries of "Mommy's awake!", b/c it's a big deal if I'm up before 11. I'm just like that. It's something I'm working on.
I go to the fridge and grab my cup of Carnation Instant breakfast (chocolate of course) which Robert makes for me and the kids before he leaves in the morn. Get out vitamins and my pills du jour. Have one of the sifties pass out vitamins to the rest of them ("I want purple!").
I fill my water sipper, and call everyone together for prayers, usually on the living room floor (we kneel for family prayers morning and night, and we sit for meal prayers). Sometimes, if Robert's webcam is on and he has his headphones on (he doesn't have speakers at work), he will "join" us by listening and watching.
After prayers, I will get EJ dressed if needed (if the boys haven't already done it) and brush & possibly fix Isa's hair if she wants braids, ponytails, or "pretty prettys". Then I sit at my computer and check my TADAs (much more fun to say than TO DOs, right?).
If the sifties are settled down doing whatever at this point I will read my scriptures for 15 minutes (sometimes it takes as much as 45 minutes, but that's not b/c I am a spiritual giant but rather b/c the sifties are usually driving me crazy at that point).
After scriptures I grill the boys on chores being (not) done, then check my TADAs that are not part of my everyday TADAs (like planning costumes, sewing projects, plans for the weekend, school stuff, budgeting, etc.).
I choose dinner, including mis en place that can be done this early.

Then my day finally starts.

On my best day all of this is done before 10:30.

The afternoon changes according to the day, but involves errands, library, mowing the lawn, dropping off recycling, playgroup, or planning time. Whatever is on my not-daily TADA list gets done between 10:30 and 4 pm, including school.

At 4 I'm supposed to practice my piano (I took pictures so I can show you my new (old) piano. It's beautiful!), then finish any other TADAs not done.

Then depending on when Robert leaves work, I get dinner started, we eat, and hack around until 7:30 when my phone alarm goes off announcing it's time for family scriptures and prayers. That takes us about 30 minutes, then Robert takes the kids upstairs and reads to them, tucks them in, turns on their stereo or a movie (if it's a special night or we just can't get them settled), while I detox for a bit. Usually Robert falls asleep upstairs and I end up getting him up or sifties sneak downstairs for a bit. Eventually sifties are all in bed by 9 or so.

If Robert needs hours at work he will get on the computer at this point and we will hook up one of the computers to the projector and watch our tv shows online. During the show I will prepare school lessons, stuff for Relief Society, or do indexing if I need something to do. We watch glee, house, dollhouse, csi, csi:miami, and stargate sg-1 consistently (I probably shouldn't admit to most of these, but they entertain me and give us conversation fodder for parenting in the 21st century; discuss THAT amongst yourselves.). If Robert doesn't need hours or he can't concentrate enough to justify being "on the clock" he will snuggle on the couch with me and fall asleep at some point. He will wake when it's way too late for me to still be up, and drag me to bed.

Robert always (if he's not totally zonked) kneels by the bed, rubs my feet, and reads to me to help me get to sleep. We have couple prayers and he falls asleep almost instantly if he doesn't go into the kitchen to do dishes, make carnation, or whatever puttering he does when the sifties and I are alseep.

And the cycle begins again.

SO how do your days go?

Party Done!

Well, the party is done. We only had about 60 people in attendance this year, so it was less crowded than usual, but it was generally less stressful b/c we did a potluck for the bulk of the food and I got to focus on the treats!

Angel also got his cast off last Wednesday, and my parents came to visit and actually stayed in our house for 2 nights! Pictures of all forthcoming!

Halloween Party Prep

I have some amazingly cute children and pictures of them to boot! Remind me to post them sometime. Meanwhile, I think I'll take a nap before I finish preparing for the Halloween party tonight! I still have cookies to bake and children to yell at -I mean, encourage to help clean up the living room. Who wants to come over and do that for me?

OK, say good night, John Boy.

Whatever You're Doing... It Feels Like Chaos

I'm mostly tired.

I've been focusing on school with the kids and getting ready for our annual Halloween party (and Halloween itself, of course!). I've been a bit manic lately off and on. I've been drinking too much Dr. Pepper again and have to decide when I will wean myself AGAIN.

I'm starting to fear that I will become like I remember my mom being when I was little. We called it manic-depression back then. What do they call it now? Bipolar? My mom is much better now, but she has to take meds. I hate the idea that I am broken enough to warrant being on medication for the rest of my life or I will spend a lot of my children's childhood yelling at them and getting ridiculously upset over stupid things that I know don't really matter even in the very second that I am freaking out about them. Whoo, long sentence, sorry!

I am surprised at how I feel about the latest miscarriage. It's nothing mostly. Numb I suppose, b/c to say I don't feel sad would make me heartless. Remember sometime in your life where you were really upset? Maybe you were a small child, or even an adult. And someone you loved came up to you, spoke lovingly and perfectly, and you could NOT feel upset anymore no matter how hard you wanted to and tried to. The Spirit (The Holy Ghost, I mean) has been doing that with me. It's like I understand at some deep level that I cannot even communicate to anyone else, which is just confusing, but also feels nice. I've grown. And that stinks. I don't wanna be wise! I wanna be a baby and whine and cry about mememe.

OK, not really.

sigh

I have a lot of gas. I take iron and stool softeners b/c of the beautiful things the iron does to my bowels, which makes my powder room habits weird to say the least. Hey, I've warned you before that my blog is TMI sometimes! My point is that I get gas bubbles in my tummy a lot. Sometimes it's just painful, but other times it feels like a baby kicking. And I stop and think, I could/would be over 15 weeks now, and that's a good time to start feeling baby moving. And I spend a few short seconds deluding myself that maybe the doctor, tests, and ultrasound were all wrong and a baby is still in there. Then I think, if I had kept the first pregnancy that I would be having a baby in less than a month. And then I remind myself that if it was supposed to be then I would still be pregnant, so I feel confused as to whether or not I should want this at all. And even as I go through all of this in my head the peace pervades all, and I can't cry.

Granted, it's not like we don't have "enough" children. I guess I always thought we'd have more. More meaning any number greater than we have at the present moment.

We've thought about adopting. We started doing research a long while ago, before the first miscarriage, before I even knew I was pregnant at that time. Then we noticed that the adoption agency we were looking at (just a state thing) has a rule that no more than 6 children (including the foster child/adoptee) can be in a home. So, naturally, when we found I was pregnant adoption went onto the back burner. We've discussed it before. We always talked about when we are "done" having kids, we would adopt some older kids, maybe some kids who have problems (boy do those poor kids have problems...), but we always talked about doing it when Angel and Oli were well into their teenage years, so they could be a good influence on any kids we bring onto our home and not the opposite.

Since the last time we discussed it, we talked about the idea that it would be nice to adopt a child who is between Oli and Isa's ages. They have an almost 4 year gap, so a child in there would be perfect, right? Logically, of course. But since when does my logic ever line up with the infinite knowledge and grand plan of our Father in heaven? That's rhetorical, smart alecks!

So part of my confusion stems from the idea that perhaps we are supposed to adopt now instead of have me bear another baby (just for now, I hope). I would love a new sifty to add to our family, no matter their age or other circumstances, but a sweet, brand new, birthed at home baby would be... sweet.

Overall, I want to do what Heavenly Father wants for us, and I know that Robert & I will know when we should know. So I'm just venting. And b/c I love music, and it expresses so clearly what I feel so often, here's a song for now (pause the main music player before you press play).

and thanks for noticing me.

I Think We Are Being Compelled to Be Humble...

So, the Friday night after Angel broke his leg, we all headed to Costco (isn't that what everyone does on Friday night?). We hung out looking at books for a while, ate pizza for dinner, got a few groceries and left. Robert unlocked the doors and was acting really weird. He said something to the effect of, "Where are the car-seats?" I was at the backety-back doors about to load up groceries while Angel and Oliver were waiting at the entrance with the Costco wheelchair. I could see from the back that the GPS was not on the windshield as it usually is. Robert has warned me before (and I know this!) not to leave it out when we leave the car, especially at night when it's brightly lit.

Unbelievably, I wandered to the side door and saw that besides the GPS, 2 of our 3 car-seats were gone. Poor Isa had left some of her "treasures" in the cup holder of hers. Nothing else was taken. Not the cds, not the power converter, not the 3rd car-seat identical to 1 of the others.

It is true that Isa's side door (the one I looked into) sometimes does not lock with the automatic locks. So to answer Lucy's question, yes and no. The car doors were locked, except that 1 which has a problem occasionally. Occasionally being that night. EJ, Horatio, nor Isa are old enough nor big enough to be without car seats legally or safety-wise. At least Wal-mart was just down the street, and we had money in our checking account to get new car-seats. We strapped EJ into the last car-seat and drove over there, even though I was tired, in pain, and wanting to just go home.

We got EJ a pink one she chose (she loves pink and girly things just like her sister), but they didn't have a pink booster for Isa. Robert questioned getting a girly one in case the next baby is a boy. I answered petulantly (this is the first I've told him anything might be wrong), "We're not having anymore babies!" He questioned me further about how I knew and I told him I had lower back pain and was bleeding bright red blood already. He tried to hold me and I almost cried right there, but as we hadn't told the kids anything, I was in a lot of pain, and we needed to just get home, I pushed him away a little and said I didn't want to do this here. We had Isa pick out a car-seat she liked, got out of there, strapped in car-seats (EJ was especially excited for hers), and got home. I may have taken a bath that night.

Overall we are blessed. I will miss my GPS, but it was a gift, so we didn't lose any money on it. I don't have money to replace it, so we will have to find our way around the old-fashioned way again. And, even though it wasn't cheap, we did have the money available to replace the old car-seats which were nearing the end of their lifespan anyway. It was just disheartening, especially after Angel broke his leg, I think I'm starting my 2nd miscarriage, and now this.

What kind of a person (even a thief) steals car-seats? And not just any car-seats, but steals 2 from a car that has 3! Don't you people understand that that means that the person driving the car has at least 3 small children? How selfish can you be, to make that family drive their children home unsafely and illegally? What if we had no money for more? I suppose we'd have used a credit card, or driven home anyway. Angel, surprisingly, took it pretty hard. He was very upset that this happened on top of him breaking his leg and all (he was taking it fairly hard anyways).

And now I am worn out from a long week. Yesterday I spent playing Animal crossing and bleeding. My iron has been so low (a normal effect of pregnancy for me) that I've been sleeping in until 11 or 12 daily. Sunday, Yesterday, and today I stayed in bed until after 12. Today I've been blogging it out, and I'll probably go play more video games. I don't need anything. I don't feel like eating anything, and we have plenty of food in the house and money to pay for picking up something if we want to. I CAN do the housework, I'm just not doing it. I wish Robert were here. I don't know what he's thinking and he doesn't know what I'm thinking. But I know it's not over yet. I haven't passed enough for it to be over after almost 12 weeks. So I'm waiting, not going anywhere b/c I don't know exactly when stuff will come out.

Also, I'm ignoring my phone, so leave me a message if you must.


sigh

Angel's Tibia

Yep, I typed tibia, not fibula. 2 fractures, 1 bone. No displacement though, and no dislocation of any joints. He was "lucky." This is what happens when you are messing around on the Sabbath and your mother doesn't stop you in time. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye-- um, breaks a leg.

I wrapped his leg in an ace bandage Sunday night, right after it happened. We laid him down, treated him for shock (Angel goes into shock very easily when he is injured), and I had the sad privilege of feeling his leg to see if it was displaced at all. He was in a LOT of pain. We fed him Ibuprofen, and got him tenderly to bed. His uncle felt really bad, b/c he was playing with the kids, but of course Angel himself made the statement that same night that it was NOT his fault.

Monday morning, Angel was in a lot of pain again, so I called the pediatrician's office as soon as I could, packed everyone up and headed there. Halfway there, I had to turn back (since I don't have pockets on Sundays, I put my wallet in my church backpack, not the sifty backpack) and pick up my wallet. We saw the doctor briefly, then he sent us to the Tomball hospital to get X-rays. I trust this doctor implicitly and he trusts me. He said we would have better luck getting an orthopedist there than 1 of the hospitals closer to us. My sister also had some crutches Angel could borrow if need be and they live in Tomball/Magnolia so I knew we would go by there afterwards most likely. I was glad we had the DS and DSi as well as a plethora of snacks for the sifties. I pushed Angel around in the umbrella stroller all day.

After X-rays (which I was careful to leave the room for, fat lot of good it did me...), we got an appointment with an orthopedist a few hours later in Tomball. The X-ray tech showed me the x-rays, wherein it showed that Angel has not 1 but 2 diagonal fractures on his large lower leg bone. After getting kicked out of the waiting area at the hospital by some lady who told me that security was on their way (I swear we weren't doing anything!), we headed to a nearby Wal-mart (Thank goodness for my GPS. I miss it now. See the next post, if I get to it today.) and picked up diapers and something else we felt was needed like Animal Crossing City Folk (Video games are a needed item when someone is sick or injured!). We made our way to the doc's and got more X-rays. Apparently you are supposed to bring them with you! Thanks for the info people. I stayed just outside the room again, listening to my son cry out in pain as they had him move his leg into the right positions for the x-rays.

We waited around for the doc to look at it. Then a nice tech/nurse came in and wrapped Angel up, black being the color of choice. We didn't get to get a waterproof cast, b/c of the fit or something. Then the biggest problem was dealing with Angel's pain, I'd forgotten to ask about his pain management, and the doctor really didn't give me much care info, except to say that he shouldn't put his weight on it. And of course, how do we sign a black cast? A day or so later we went and got some silver sharpies from Wal-mart, in case you wanna come sign it!

And here are random pics of us all when they were done wrapping him up. Here's how well those self-timers on cameras work in the 21st century! At least with a digital I can take a hundred pics and see if it turned out right away. Hmmm, I'm not fast enough in this one.


Oops, I blocked Isa in that one, and it looks like H is mad.

Here we go. This is what we look like after visiting 2 doctors and 1 hospital for about 6 1/2 hours. We are ready to go home, and for pizza which daddy picked up and met us at home with.

Then Tricia and the kids came by to share pizza with us, drop off crutches, and be disappointed that they couldn't sign the cast yet!

Btw, it only took Angel about a day to get used to his crutches. He's doing well on them and wants to be up and around. He has a follow up visit in 2 weeks (most likely the cast will be on for 4-6 weeks, though).

Wait 'til you hear what happened later in the week, but before the miscarriage...

The Worst Post or Another TMI post

There is something so uniquely depressing about wiping the blood of my potential unborn child off of the toilet seat with a clorox wipe. It's so final and almost obscene, like I'm erasing the evidence of a crime scene. Like I'm trying to deny it ever happened, b/c once that's gone there is nothing to say I was ever almost 12 weeks pregnant.

I had a tiny bit of blood for a few days right after we passed the 10 1/2 week mark. Since giving birth the number of times I have leads to undesirable side effects (like Hemorrhoids, yuck), I assumed/hoped with good reason) that's what it was. Sunday Angel & I stayed home, for his sake (see the next post for details on that), so I was up most of the afternoon unlike most Sundays wherein I sleep all afternoon. Robert was getting the smaller sifties into a bath in the evening and I was going to the bathroom. When I wiped, Robert noticed (from across the bathroom, note), "That's not a little bit of blood," he said.

Obviously, we were both thinking the same thing. I guess that's it for this one. I went on to fixing dinner, gushing blood occasionally and running to the bathroom at random times, pretty much ruining most of the pita bread I was making, trying to act for the kids' sake that nothing was weird or amiss. Eventually dinner got done, we ate, sometime in there Robert told Angel what was happening, and the missionaries called to cancel their dinner appointment with us (thank goodness! Who wants to keep running to the bathroom very suddenly with the poor missionaries there?). At some point Angel asked Robert if he was going to work tomorrow. Robert's answer broke my heart. I was going to have to do this alone, on a Monday.

Thank goodness for a diva cup, b/c I hate pads, and I wouldn't feel comfortable using tampons during a miscarriage. As it was I also walked around with a dishtowel folded up between my legs all evening Sunday and all day Monday (and now, btw).

Here's the stuff no one tells you about a miscarriage, and I wish I had known, just because: it is NOT like a period, but more like nothing else really. It's big clots of "stuff", that comes out like you are giving birth, quickly and unexpectedly.

It's painful. It feels very much like birthing, the waves come and go, they shoot down my legs and from my lower back. The difference for me is it's not over in a few hours, it lasts for days. I have renewed respect for women who "labor" for days before birthing. My hypnobabies techniques have been invaluable, but I have been loathe to do my cds b/c I can't stand the idea of listening to pregnancy affirmations and relaxation sessions that talk of nothing but my baby. I have been using my finger drop and putting myself into a deep state of self-hypnosis, just to relax and let the waves do their thing. And at the same time that I appreciate having these techniques at my disposal, I wish I simply had a big bottle of tylenol 3 to make it all go away. Then who would take care of my sifties, with Angel incapacitated?

I thought I would be angry this time. I thought I would cry a lot, which I haven't even done once. But when I think about it, I have been warned that Jane may have been my last. I just didn't believe it. I was only 30 when I had her. 30! I've enjoyed this great nostalgia the whole 2+ years she's been here. When I look at her I enjoy her more so than any of the other sifties. I've always thought of it in terms of "what if she were my last baby?", without actually believing it to be true. It was just a way of living in the moment for me, truly appreciating what I have, you know.

About the time she turned 18 months, and I was wondering why we weren't pregnant again, Robert told me that he thought that maybe I wouldn't get pregnant again. It came out of nowhere, but Robert usually has good promptings. He just KNOWS things. It's weird, but it's one of the things I've always loved about him, he is so close to the Spirit that he gets these promptings about everyday things, like going to the movies or which direction we should drive to go somewhere.

I've been overweight since I was old enough to know what it meant. I sat at 150 pounds since I was 12 (remember I'm only 5' 2"), then after I had Angel I went up to about 170. Then by the time I had Oliver I went up to 195. I was determined that I would never hit the dreaded 200 mark, which would be like the black spot to me. I went on birth control again (long story), started counting calories and getting healthier, lost 40 pounds over 8 months, then got pregnant with Isa. Over the last 6 years (and 2 more sifties) I gained it all back. Overall I've never really felt healthy except when I was losing weight before Isa, and during pregnancies when I was exercising.

Then I got pregnant. "Whew,"I thought. There's nothing wrong with me. 10 1/2 weeks later it was over. Read how I dealt with that here (and the subsequent posts) if you are brave.

Amidst my wallowing and confusion, I received a prompting, "You need to lose 20 pounds, April."


Sigh.


I hate counting calories.
I hate exercising.
I hate weighing my food.

But count, exercise, and weigh I did. I lost 15 pounds in 3 months. I felt better. I kicked my caffeine habit. And I got pregnant! After only 15 pounds! So it was a test! I passed, and I get to have another baby. I get to use my Hypnobabies again! I get to have a homebirth! But I didn't use exclamation points in my head. I was wary. I decided to tell NO ONE until we hit 12 full weeks. Let me illustrate why we've done this with each and every pregnancy.

We went into the pediatrician's office last week. The nurse said to me (from behind the tall counter mind you), "You're pregnant!" I said, looking around, "Can you tell?" She told me that I had told them the last time we were in (I must have mentioned it to the doctor last time we were in months ago). It dawned on me that she was talking about my miscarriage, wherein I could have been 7 1/2 months pregnant at this point. I had the most painful few seconds in which I explained that I was pregnant again, but we had lost the former pregnancy at 10 1/2 weeks. And she had that awkward silence and look on her face that said, "I have no idea how to respond to that" and she apologized. Can you imagine, not remembering all the people you told you were pregnant at 6 weeks or whenever you found out? Then running into them randomly over the next 6 months, at which point you've dealt with it as much as possible, but every time someone sees you they remember that you were (they think ARE) pregnant. Then they ask about it when you don't even remember telling them, and suddenly it's as if a depression bomb is dropped on the conversation, and your day is ruined from there on. Then you spend the next few days (or more) living it over again.

That's why we wait to tell people.

I was sicker than I usually am. I even left church once, b/c my stomach was so upset. I even did a 2nd pregnancy test a couple of weeks ago to see if my HCG levels were rising. It came up positive before the indicator line came up. I was elated, but still wary. But I didn't tell anyone, though Robert & I were sorely tempted. I take that back. I told one person: the midwife we were seeing with the last pregnancy. I emailed her and asked for any advice she may give, but declined having her come out to see us until we passed the critical point (10 1/2 weeks in my mind). She even called me the day before I was to hit 11 weeks, b/c she was going out of town the whole next week and offered to come over and see if we could hear the heartbeat. I was SO tempted, but I had seen a tiny bit of blood at that point, and I also knew that with all my other pregnancies we never could pick up a heartbeat with the doppler until almost 12 weeks, so even if baby was fine we may not hear it. So I declined.

Now we're back to the beginning of the post.

I feel sad. Will I never give birth to another sifty of my own?

I feel disappointed. Isn't this a righteous desire? Aren't there Spirits that need bodies still, and I'm willing!?

I feel empty. Are my desires wrong? Am I doing something wrong with my sifties that I don't deserve anymore?

I don't feel angry. I recognize that my whining is akin to a millionaire complaining that he only has 5 yachts, when someone else out there has 8! How selfish could I be? I have 5 beautiful, intelligent, kind, sweet, amazing blessings. I've been blessed to give birth to 6 healthy children. I have the most amazing husband who has supported, loved, blessed, given everything he is to our family and me.

How could I possibly be so selfish as to want more?

Maybe just 1 more? (Then we'd be an 8 person family; 8 is my lucky number...)

August With Us, or at least what I took pictures of...

The sifties had a temple trip/tour with their Primary. It was OK, except that it was the middle of the day at the beginning of August in Houston. Ugh. We walked around outside a bit and took pictures. The idea being that I would get a beautiful, memorable shot of my sweet children for distribution at a future holiday... Here's the first shot:

Then Oliver decided to bug Horatio...

Who threatened him with a look...

At which point Oliver wondered if maybe he shouldn't have been teasing Horatio...

And Horatio moved to do something physical about it...

At which point I believe Oliver decided a defensive posture was warranted...

And Horatio decided mid-hit to turn it into a funky dance, I suppose. All the while Isa and EJ were being their very reverentest and Angel was looking about as cool a tween as possible.

Then they decided they were done with the picture taking (fie on digital cameras!).

The we all got to go inside and have a snack.

yummy.

I did some henna this month. Here's my oldest sister with a dragonfly on her leg...

and swirlies on the opposite side.

and Isa chose this HUGE butterfly/goddess/fairy thing. She still has traces of it on her leg, but it was pretty.

The biggest thing this month was when Stephanie came to visit! We got her for a whole week and I think I took only a dozen pictures the whole time. Lame. But here are some from the beach. I made a sea turtle and someone decided he needed sunglasses.

Here's the crew waiting for the word that they can do the "Mexican Sand Stomping dance". It's tradition. I like to build sand sculptures when we go to the beach and they like to smoosh them; but they know I will get mad if they do so before I give the word. They are being so patient!

After the beach we had to go to the Olive Garden, way too late. By the time we got there Horatio was out (it's a long drive home from Galveston!), and by the time we had eaten we had 3 sleeping.

Here's the Jane:

Here's Horatio:

Here are the awake sifties, might be due to the caffienated soda... ?

And here's Isa, with the best pillow she could find:

On the last day, I remembered to pull out the camera, at which point Isa was in mourning mode, but did consent to show off her purpley blackish fingernails which Stephanie painted for her.

Here she is grieving Stephanie being gone before Stephanie even left.

And here's the whole rotten bunch -uh, I mean cute bunch, yeah.

We got an exciting phone call a good week or so before expected that the kids had a new cousin, V. She has the coolest name ever, and Horatio thoroughly enjoyed holding and kissing her. Here she is fresh from the hospital (we got to go see her right after dropping Stephanie at the airport):

Zach had his 16th birthday, so we brought over a cake...


The girls and I ate some nachos.

I have no idea why Robert felt this needed to be photographically documented.


And I took some pics of the 3 oldest sifties for our new school year. Here's my Angel (almost 12!):


Here's my Olibear (almost 10!):


And here's the Isa (cute as a button at almost 6!):


So that's some of our August. Did I mention that Robert & I celebrated our 13th Anniversary this month, too? It has been a blessed and lucky 13 years. Scumps to 13 more and eternity...