Today and the past few days have been hard. I've been medicating myself with Dr. Pepper, which I know I need to stop, but it's keeping me sane right now. I need to find another doctor, and even have one in mind based on a friend's recommendation, but I'm not sure if that will work out and there are emotional issues in there, too. I am dealing with the fact that 2 of my good friends just had babies that were due right around the date I would have had a baby now if I had not miscarried the first time. I am happy for them and jealous and disappointed all at the same time. I feel peace and hope, yet anxiety and confusion. Or perhaps it's the other way around? I want to cry, but find myself unable to. Maybe this is what people mean when they say they don't like being on medication for moods/depression. Not being able to cry at all, b/c your hormones are being blocked is not a good thing. And I'm pretty sure Robert has no idea that I am feeling this, b/c he is working on such a big project at work that he's already got about 55 hours this week (when he normally struggles to get his requisite 40, that's huge!), and I am trying to be the supportive wife who keeps it together instead of falling apart over something that happened months ago...
Angel has been a handful lately. He is frustrated by his pain and immobility. He can walk, but it hurts his foot and ankle. Robert is worried he may have somehow broken his foot either when the leg broke or while it was in the cast, but I don't think that's the case. I think Angel simply (right!) needs to do some physical therapy to get his foot and leg back into shape. He's a kid, he will bounce back, but he is so frustrated that he can't see past this obstacle. And I get annoyed with him, b/c I count on his help during the day with the sifties, and he's acting like he can't do basic things like get himself food anymore. He is a huge help to me still, changing diapers, keeping track of the little kids, etc., but he is starting to use his annoyed and angry voice right off with everyone, especially when he is feeling particularly uncomfortable or resentful (when other kids are running and playing for example). Then the Spirit is driven from our home and I come out swinging myself.
To top it off my period has started, and that always throws my moods into an uncontrollable downward spiral for a few days. Recognizing the cause is helpful, but doesn't stop it completely. And right now it adds to my remembrance of the miscarriages. The pain from cramps doesn't help anything either. Wow, I'm just a bit whiny today, eh? Let's post some pics of the last few weeks as a diversion.
I never posted about General Conference, which is always a spiritual feast, but this year was challenging to say the least. We were able to watch a few sessions at home on cable, so we didn't have to deal with the online video being choppy at best. However we try not to watch at home b/c it's hard on all of us to focus and sometimes stay awake as you can see above. It was a tiring weekend, Angel was ornery, I was still upset and bleeding a bit. Overall it was a memorable and miserable conference weekend. I miss conference when everyone had to go to the chapel for all the sessions, and you got to see everyone. It feels so lonely to be at home away from everyone, but inviting someone who doesn't have kids is kind of rude (it's not like my kids are perfectly quiet the whole time...) and having someone over who has kids has proven to be disastrous in the past. Perhaps that was not the most uplifting photo to post, but it was cute.
My parents came to visit on their way to Arkansas. We all LOVED having them, but they could only stay for 2 nights, and they spent most of Sunday avoiding us and going to visit with the newest grandbaby. I understand, but it was still hard not to be able to really relax and spend some good time with them. It was nice to see them at all since Florida is so far away, and it is expensive for 7 people to get out there not even counting the loss of a paycheck from taking off of work. My mom brought a slew of craft stuff (many things I used and remember as a kid!) and some shirts for the kids which I was trying to get a pic of here (I didn't take nearly enough pics while they were here :( ), but my mom was teasing Oliver and encouraging him when he kept flipping his around and the younger 3 could not contain themselves enough to look at the camera apparently. Silly.
The highlights of the visit were Pau Pau playing his guitar with the kids dancing around the living room (I have many fond memories of him playing Puff the magic Dragon when I was little), and Pau Pau reading our special "I love you, Grandpa" book to the girls. At least this time Isa didn't cry for days when they left. She was definitely sad, but she contained herself. Maybe next time they'll actually vacation with us or we'll get out to Florida...
Angel got his cast off, and has been using a cane we borrowed from our neighbor since the doctor told him at the check-up before that he could put weight on it. He has been doing great and it only took one night to teach him to use the cane, though it's taken some getting used to, of course. I am grateful we have wonderful neighbors to borrow things from, as well as my sister who lent us the crutches for so long.
I mostly finished costumes for the kids. Our ward party was the Wednesday before our family party, so I had to have costumes done 10 days early this year! Everything worked out fine. Angel & Oliver are rival Pokemon trainers (they still need more details, but it works), Isa is Princess Jasmine (in purple, of course), and Horatio wanted to be wall-e, so EJ got to be eve (by far the easiest costume ever! I just took a mask I found online, printed it on t-shirt transfer paper, then ironed it onto a onesie).
Our Halloween party went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, and though the house wasn't nearly as packed as it usually is we did have a good turnout. This year I made a slight change to the program. I usually do all the food: a couple of main dishes, sides, veggies, fruit, drinks, and tons of treats. This year I only did 2 punches and the treats, and did the rest potluck. It worked well and we had plenty of food. I also put chairs outside so people could sit there, as last year people congregated in the living room a lot I figured it was b/c that's where you could sit. We had Jack's Brains (gut a pumpkin, fill it with cooked spaghetti and lollipops, and let the kids dig into it) and bobbing for apples outside, a movie in the office off the front entry, and all the adults hung out in the kitchen mainly. I insisted on getting all the treats out at once and had to slap more than one hand to keep them at bay long enough to get a few pictures. It was funny to see everyone crowd around the counter waiting for the "Go" from me.
I got to make chocolate spiders (chocolate covered marshmallows with pull n' peel twizzler legs and red hot eyes), mini brownies, meringue ghosts and bones, butterscotch bar cookies, diamond sugar cookies, 2 kinds of chocolate dipped oreos (golden and original), jigglers, cupcakes (which the sifties all helped to decorate), and peanut butter cups (I love homemade peanut butter cups!). I stayed up until an hour which most people consider waking up time instead of my bedtime for 2 nights making everything. I made too much, and we still have peanut butter cups in the freezer (but I don't mind at all). The cupcakes did get wasted though, they weren't as big a hit as I thought they would be, even though they tasted good. Chocolate dipped candies have more appeal I suppose, though the kids would put them on plates then leave them everywhere... weird. Hungry yet?
A good friend of mine from High School (Yes, I'm one of those weirdos that LOVED High School) came to the party this year. Unfortunately he came right as everyone was clearing out, fortunately it gave us time to talk a bit and catch up some. It was a little awkward for me since I had a crush on him in HS, but he probably didn't notice. Right? Right?!
Here we are at the party (Me and "Marshmallow"). I was aiming for Little Red Riding hood, and having Robert be the wolf, but I only got as far as a quick hooded cape for me. Angel says I am Super Red Riding Mom. I'm going with that.
And here's the piano we finally bought. It's paid for, and it's mine. I love having a piano in the house, and this one is so beautiful it adds to the decor as well as being beautifully functional. And not having to pay a rental fee for the other one is a huge bonus for our savings.
Now, we must go to the library and once again pay our late fees before it closes. I wish Robert was home.
Btw, we need a piano bench. Anyone know of one I can get for cheap (or free)? It does need to have a cushion or be pretty high, b/c this piano is an upright grand and is quite tall.
Whew, I'm really done now.
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