I'm mostly tired.
I've been focusing on school with the kids and getting ready for our annual Halloween party (and Halloween itself, of course!). I've been a bit manic lately off and on. I've been drinking too much Dr. Pepper again and have to decide when I will wean myself AGAIN.
I'm starting to fear that I will become like I remember my mom being when I was little. We called it manic-depression back then. What do they call it now? Bipolar? My mom is much better now, but she has to take meds. I hate the idea that I am broken enough to warrant being on medication for the rest of my life or I will spend a lot of my children's childhood yelling at them and getting ridiculously upset over stupid things that I know don't really matter even in the very second that I am freaking out about them. Whoo, long sentence, sorry!
I am surprised at how I feel about the latest miscarriage. It's nothing mostly. Numb I suppose, b/c to say I don't feel sad would make me heartless. Remember sometime in your life where you were really upset? Maybe you were a small child, or even an adult. And someone you loved came up to you, spoke lovingly and perfectly, and you could NOT feel upset anymore no matter how hard you wanted to and tried to. The Spirit (The Holy Ghost, I mean) has been doing that with me. It's like I understand at some deep level that I cannot even communicate to anyone else, which is just confusing, but also feels nice. I've grown. And that stinks. I don't wanna be wise! I wanna be a baby and whine and cry about mememe.
OK, not really.
I have a lot of gas. I take iron and stool softeners b/c of the beautiful things the iron does to my bowels, which makes my powder room habits weird to say the least. Hey, I've warned you before that my blog is TMI sometimes! My point is that I get gas bubbles in my tummy a lot. Sometimes it's just painful, but other times it feels like a baby kicking. And I stop and think, I could/would be over 15 weeks now, and that's a good time to start feeling baby moving. And I spend a few short seconds deluding myself that maybe the doctor, tests, and ultrasound were all wrong and a baby is still in there. Then I think, if I had kept the first pregnancy that I would be having a baby in less than a month. And then I remind myself that if it was supposed to be then I would still be pregnant, so I feel confused as to whether or not I should want this at all. And even as I go through all of this in my head the peace pervades all, and I can't cry.
Granted, it's not like we don't have "enough" children. I guess I always thought we'd have more. More meaning any number greater than we have at the present moment.
We've thought about adopting. We started doing research a long while ago, before the first miscarriage, before I even knew I was pregnant at that time. Then we noticed that the adoption agency we were looking at (just a state thing) has a rule that no more than 6 children (including the foster child/adoptee) can be in a home. So, naturally, when we found I was pregnant adoption went onto the back burner. We've discussed it before. We always talked about when we are "done" having kids, we would adopt some older kids, maybe some kids who have problems (boy do those poor kids have problems...), but we always talked about doing it when Angel and Oli were well into their teenage years, so they could be a good influence on any kids we bring onto our home and not the opposite.
Since the last time we discussed it, we talked about the idea that it would be nice to adopt a child who is between Oli and Isa's ages. They have an almost 4 year gap, so a child in there would be perfect, right? Logically, of course. But since when does my logic ever line up with the infinite knowledge and grand plan of our Father in heaven? That's rhetorical, smart alecks!
So part of my confusion stems from the idea that perhaps we are supposed to adopt now instead of have me bear another baby (just for now, I hope). I would love a new sifty to add to our family, no matter their age or other circumstances, but a sweet, brand new, birthed at home baby would be... sweet.
Overall, I want to do what Heavenly Father wants for us, and I know that Robert & I will know when we should know. So I'm just venting. And b/c I love music, and it expresses so clearly what I feel so often, here's a song for now (pause the main music player before you press play).
and thanks for noticing me.
- ► 2010 (7)
- ▼ October 2009 (5)