Friday, October 9, 2009

Whatever You're Doing... It Feels Like Chaos

I'm mostly tired.

I've been focusing on school with the kids and getting ready for our annual Halloween party (and Halloween itself, of course!). I've been a bit manic lately off and on. I've been drinking too much Dr. Pepper again and have to decide when I will wean myself AGAIN.

I'm starting to fear that I will become like I remember my mom being when I was little. We called it manic-depression back then. What do they call it now? Bipolar? My mom is much better now, but she has to take meds. I hate the idea that I am broken enough to warrant being on medication for the rest of my life or I will spend a lot of my children's childhood yelling at them and getting ridiculously upset over stupid things that I know don't really matter even in the very second that I am freaking out about them. Whoo, long sentence, sorry!

I am surprised at how I feel about the latest miscarriage. It's nothing mostly. Numb I suppose, b/c to say I don't feel sad would make me heartless. Remember sometime in your life where you were really upset? Maybe you were a small child, or even an adult. And someone you loved came up to you, spoke lovingly and perfectly, and you could NOT feel upset anymore no matter how hard you wanted to and tried to. The Spirit (The Holy Ghost, I mean) has been doing that with me. It's like I understand at some deep level that I cannot even communicate to anyone else, which is just confusing, but also feels nice. I've grown. And that stinks. I don't wanna be wise! I wanna be a baby and whine and cry about mememe.

OK, not really.


I have a lot of gas. I take iron and stool softeners b/c of the beautiful things the iron does to my bowels, which makes my powder room habits weird to say the least. Hey, I've warned you before that my blog is TMI sometimes! My point is that I get gas bubbles in my tummy a lot. Sometimes it's just painful, but other times it feels like a baby kicking. And I stop and think, I could/would be over 15 weeks now, and that's a good time to start feeling baby moving. And I spend a few short seconds deluding myself that maybe the doctor, tests, and ultrasound were all wrong and a baby is still in there. Then I think, if I had kept the first pregnancy that I would be having a baby in less than a month. And then I remind myself that if it was supposed to be then I would still be pregnant, so I feel confused as to whether or not I should want this at all. And even as I go through all of this in my head the peace pervades all, and I can't cry.

Granted, it's not like we don't have "enough" children. I guess I always thought we'd have more. More meaning any number greater than we have at the present moment.

We've thought about adopting. We started doing research a long while ago, before the first miscarriage, before I even knew I was pregnant at that time. Then we noticed that the adoption agency we were looking at (just a state thing) has a rule that no more than 6 children (including the foster child/adoptee) can be in a home. So, naturally, when we found I was pregnant adoption went onto the back burner. We've discussed it before. We always talked about when we are "done" having kids, we would adopt some older kids, maybe some kids who have problems (boy do those poor kids have problems...), but we always talked about doing it when Angel and Oli were well into their teenage years, so they could be a good influence on any kids we bring onto our home and not the opposite.

Since the last time we discussed it, we talked about the idea that it would be nice to adopt a child who is between Oli and Isa's ages. They have an almost 4 year gap, so a child in there would be perfect, right? Logically, of course. But since when does my logic ever line up with the infinite knowledge and grand plan of our Father in heaven? That's rhetorical, smart alecks!

So part of my confusion stems from the idea that perhaps we are supposed to adopt now instead of have me bear another baby (just for now, I hope). I would love a new sifty to add to our family, no matter their age or other circumstances, but a sweet, brand new, birthed at home baby would be... sweet.

Overall, I want to do what Heavenly Father wants for us, and I know that Robert & I will know when we should know. So I'm just venting. And b/c I love music, and it expresses so clearly what I feel so often, here's a song for now (pause the main music player before you press play).

and thanks for noticing me.

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Beutler Family said...

Wow. You sure can write. I wish I had some advice, but I don't. You are wise now. I never though about it before, but I guess wisdom has a price. Keep posting.

ginger said...

Don't forget that you are "supposed to" choose. Sometimes there isn't a "right" answer. We get to choose, create, enjoy! Have Fun! Be joyful in your choices.

swedemom said...

April, if you think that you might be suffering from bi-polar disorder, please, please, please get some help for it. The relatively small sacrifice of going to the doctors, taking medication is a very small price to pay for emotional and mental stability.

My sister's husband has suffered from bi-polar disorder for many years. He has refused to take his medication and it is tearing his family apart, destroying his marriage and is hurting his children in unbelievable ways. My sister's bishop spoke with my oldest sister and my parents and asked that they convince her to leave so that she and the kids would be safe while he got some help. We have all begged her to move so that Chris can get the help he needs and that the kids will be safe. The heartache that it has caused has been horrible.

I know it seems ridiculous to take medicine for emotional reasons, but you wouldn't ignore physical problems would you? I have a thyroid disorder and lupus. I take medication everyday. It's just a product of my mortal body. If doing so means that I am healthy enough to take care of my family and myself and enjoy life, then I'll take it, the two pills a day, the monthly doctors' visits, the blood tests, etc.

Also, if you are worried about it, have you considered that it may be possible that Heavenly Father is giving you time to get this figured out before you have another baby. The hormones of pregnancy can really wreak havoc with emotional and mental stability.

Please, please, please take care of yourself. Go to a doctor and get it figured out. I don't want things to end in tragedy for you. I would hate to see something similar befall you that has happened to my sister and her family.

Love you. Please call me if you need to talk.