Feelings and Photos

Today and the past few days have been hard. I've been medicating myself with Dr. Pepper, which I know I need to stop, but it's keeping me sane right now. I need to find another doctor, and even have one in mind based on a friend's recommendation, but I'm not sure if that will work out and there are emotional issues in there, too. I am dealing with the fact that 2 of my good friends just had babies that were due right around the date I would have had a baby now if I had not miscarried the first time. I am happy for them and jealous and disappointed all at the same time. I feel peace and hope, yet anxiety and confusion. Or perhaps it's the other way around? I want to cry, but find myself unable to. Maybe this is what people mean when they say they don't like being on medication for moods/depression. Not being able to cry at all, b/c your hormones are being blocked is not a good thing. And I'm pretty sure Robert has no idea that I am feeling this, b/c he is working on such a big project at work that he's already got about 55 hours this week (when he normally struggles to get his requisite 40, that's huge!), and I am trying to be the supportive wife who keeps it together instead of falling apart over something that happened months ago...

Angel has been a handful lately. He is frustrated by his pain and immobility. He can walk, but it hurts his foot and ankle. Robert is worried he may have somehow broken his foot either when the leg broke or while it was in the cast, but I don't think that's the case. I think Angel simply (right!) needs to do some physical therapy to get his foot and leg back into shape. He's a kid, he will bounce back, but he is so frustrated that he can't see past this obstacle. And I get annoyed with him, b/c I count on his help during the day with the sifties, and he's acting like he can't do basic things like get himself food anymore. He is a huge help to me still, changing diapers, keeping track of the little kids, etc., but he is starting to use his annoyed and angry voice right off with everyone, especially when he is feeling particularly uncomfortable or resentful (when other kids are running and playing for example). Then the Spirit is driven from our home and I come out swinging myself.

To top it off my period has started, and that always throws my moods into an uncontrollable downward spiral for a few days. Recognizing the cause is helpful, but doesn't stop it completely. And right now it adds to my remembrance of the miscarriages. The pain from cramps doesn't help anything either. Wow, I'm just a bit whiny today, eh? Let's post some pics of the last few weeks as a diversion.


I never posted about General Conference, which is always a spiritual feast, but this year was challenging to say the least. We were able to watch a few sessions at home on cable, so we didn't have to deal with the online video being choppy at best. However we try not to watch at home b/c it's hard on all of us to focus and sometimes stay awake as you can see above. It was a tiring weekend, Angel was ornery, I was still upset and bleeding a bit. Overall it was a memorable and miserable conference weekend. I miss conference when everyone had to go to the chapel for all the sessions, and you got to see everyone. It feels so lonely to be at home away from everyone, but inviting someone who doesn't have kids is kind of rude (it's not like my kids are perfectly quiet the whole time...) and having someone over who has kids has proven to be disastrous in the past. Perhaps that was not the most uplifting photo to post, but it was cute.

Next!

My parents came to visit on their way to Arkansas. We all LOVED having them, but they could only stay for 2 nights, and they spent most of Sunday avoiding us and going to visit with the newest grandbaby. I understand, but it was still hard not to be able to really relax and spend some good time with them. It was nice to see them at all since Florida is so far away, and it is expensive for 7 people to get out there not even counting the loss of a paycheck from taking off of work. My mom brought a slew of craft stuff (many things I used and remember as a kid!) and some shirts for the kids which I was trying to get a pic of here (I didn't take nearly enough pics while they were here :( ), but my mom was teasing Oliver and encouraging him when he kept flipping his around and the younger 3 could not contain themselves enough to look at the camera apparently. Silly.


The highlights of the visit were Pau Pau playing his guitar with the kids dancing around the living room (I have many fond memories of him playing Puff the magic Dragon when I was little), and Pau Pau reading our special "I love you, Grandpa" book to the girls. At least this time Isa didn't cry for days when they left. She was definitely sad, but she contained herself. Maybe next time they'll actually vacation with us or we'll get out to Florida...




Angel got his cast off, and has been using a cane we borrowed from our neighbor since the doctor told him at the check-up before that he could put weight on it. He has been doing great and it only took one night to teach him to use the cane, though it's taken some getting used to, of course. I am grateful we have wonderful neighbors to borrow things from, as well as my sister who lent us the crutches for so long.


I mostly finished costumes for the kids. Our ward party was the Wednesday before our family party, so I had to have costumes done 10 days early this year! Everything worked out fine. Angel & Oliver are rival Pokemon trainers (they still need more details, but it works), Isa is Princess Jasmine (in purple, of course), and Horatio wanted to be wall-e, so EJ got to be eve (by far the easiest costume ever! I just took a mask I found online, printed it on t-shirt transfer paper, then ironed it onto a onesie).


Our Halloween party went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, and though the house wasn't nearly as packed as it usually is we did have a good turnout. This year I made a slight change to the program. I usually do all the food: a couple of main dishes, sides, veggies, fruit, drinks, and tons of treats. This year I only did 2 punches and the treats, and did the rest potluck. It worked well and we had plenty of food. I also put chairs outside so people could sit there, as last year people congregated in the living room a lot I figured it was b/c that's where you could sit. We had Jack's Brains (gut a pumpkin, fill it with cooked spaghetti and lollipops, and let the kids dig into it) and bobbing for apples outside, a movie in the office off the front entry, and all the adults hung out in the kitchen mainly. I insisted on getting all the treats out at once and had to slap more than one hand to keep them at bay long enough to get a few pictures. It was funny to see everyone crowd around the counter waiting for the "Go" from me.

I got to make chocolate spiders (chocolate covered marshmallows with pull n' peel twizzler legs and red hot eyes), mini brownies, meringue ghosts and bones, butterscotch bar cookies, diamond sugar cookies, 2 kinds of chocolate dipped oreos (golden and original), jigglers, cupcakes (which the sifties all helped to decorate), and peanut butter cups (I love homemade peanut butter cups!). I stayed up until an hour which most people consider waking up time instead of my bedtime for 2 nights making everything. I made too much, and we still have peanut butter cups in the freezer (but I don't mind at all). The cupcakes did get wasted though, they weren't as big a hit as I thought they would be, even though they tasted good. Chocolate dipped candies have more appeal I suppose, though the kids would put them on plates then leave them everywhere... weird. Hungry yet?

A good friend of mine from High School (Yes, I'm one of those weirdos that LOVED High School) came to the party this year. Unfortunately he came right as everyone was clearing out, fortunately it gave us time to talk a bit and catch up some. It was a little awkward for me since I had a crush on him in HS, but he probably didn't notice. Right? Right?!

Here we are at the party (Me and "Marshmallow"). I was aiming for Little Red Riding hood, and having Robert be the wolf, but I only got as far as a quick hooded cape for me. Angel says I am Super Red Riding Mom. I'm going with that.


And here's the piano we finally bought. It's paid for, and it's mine. I love having a piano in the house, and this one is so beautiful it adds to the decor as well as being beautifully functional. And not having to pay a rental fee for the other one is a huge bonus for our savings.

Now, we must go to the library and once again pay our late fees before it closes. I wish Robert was home.

Btw, we need a piano bench. Anyone know of one I can get for cheap (or free)? It does need to have a cushion or be pretty high, b/c this piano is an upright grand and is quite tall.

Whew, I'm really done now.

You'll Have to Wait for the Pics

Sorry, I haven't uploaded them to my computer yet, and even though I am sitting right now at my computer, the camera is a WHOLE 15 feet away in the backpack. Which basically means it is too far away for me to get up and get, because that only means I will get distracted (I like shiny things...) and start doing other things on the way and when I do upload the pictures (I have lots of pictures that need tagging!). My brain takes multitasking to new levels. SO I will spare myself and post about something I've been thinking of for a while.

I love reading my friends blogs. It allows me to catch up on whose kids are how old, who finally got married, what jobs people are doing, what hobbies we share, etc. However it has dawned on me that noone usually posts about the boring everyday details of their lives, because, well, it's boring to you! But when I read old novels or historical fiction my favorite part is silly little everyday details. The point is I have no idea what the day to day doings of my old HS, college, and random friends are. Therefore you must read about mine. For posterity's sake, of course.

Here we go.

On my best day ever:

Robert is up, says prayers by the bed while I snooze, is out the door at some ridiculous hour, and texts me when he gets to work.
I get up about 9am.
I make the bed (please note people, this really means throwing my pillows to the head of the bed and straightening the covers, so I have a space to sort laundry, this does not mean hospital corners and dust ruffles).
I go potty (and yes I say potty, that's the word I use most of the time; get over it).
I weigh myself, about 3 times. My digital scale is weird.
I floss and do mouthwash, then shower.
After showering I get dressed (to shoes if I'm good), put my hair up somehow (braids, hairigami, or just ponytails of some sort; no gel, hairspray or anything), and brush my teeth.
Then I grab my phone, wallet, lip stuff (from the body shop), and any female stuff I may need for my pockets.
I unplug my stereo and phone charger to save energy.
I gather my dirty clothes, then remembering my prayers, kneel down for that.
If I've taken a while, the sifties will come in during that time, b/c they notice my light is on.
Grab dirty clothes again, reboot the laundry (usually I've got a load in the wash and dryer at any given time), grab the clean laundry and toss it on the bed to be sorted at a later time. Then I close the door so the kitties don't go in my room.
Usually at this point there are cries of "Mommy's awake!", b/c it's a big deal if I'm up before 11. I'm just like that. It's something I'm working on.
I go to the fridge and grab my cup of Carnation Instant breakfast (chocolate of course) which Robert makes for me and the kids before he leaves in the morn. Get out vitamins and my pills du jour. Have one of the sifties pass out vitamins to the rest of them ("I want purple!").
I fill my water sipper, and call everyone together for prayers, usually on the living room floor (we kneel for family prayers morning and night, and we sit for meal prayers). Sometimes, if Robert's webcam is on and he has his headphones on (he doesn't have speakers at work), he will "join" us by listening and watching.
After prayers, I will get EJ dressed if needed (if the boys haven't already done it) and brush & possibly fix Isa's hair if she wants braids, ponytails, or "pretty prettys". Then I sit at my computer and check my TADAs (much more fun to say than TO DOs, right?).
If the sifties are settled down doing whatever at this point I will read my scriptures for 15 minutes (sometimes it takes as much as 45 minutes, but that's not b/c I am a spiritual giant but rather b/c the sifties are usually driving me crazy at that point).
After scriptures I grill the boys on chores being (not) done, then check my TADAs that are not part of my everyday TADAs (like planning costumes, sewing projects, plans for the weekend, school stuff, budgeting, etc.).
I choose dinner, including mis en place that can be done this early.

Then my day finally starts.

On my best day all of this is done before 10:30.

The afternoon changes according to the day, but involves errands, library, mowing the lawn, dropping off recycling, playgroup, or planning time. Whatever is on my not-daily TADA list gets done between 10:30 and 4 pm, including school.

At 4 I'm supposed to practice my piano (I took pictures so I can show you my new (old) piano. It's beautiful!), then finish any other TADAs not done.

Then depending on when Robert leaves work, I get dinner started, we eat, and hack around until 7:30 when my phone alarm goes off announcing it's time for family scriptures and prayers. That takes us about 30 minutes, then Robert takes the kids upstairs and reads to them, tucks them in, turns on their stereo or a movie (if it's a special night or we just can't get them settled), while I detox for a bit. Usually Robert falls asleep upstairs and I end up getting him up or sifties sneak downstairs for a bit. Eventually sifties are all in bed by 9 or so.

If Robert needs hours at work he will get on the computer at this point and we will hook up one of the computers to the projector and watch our tv shows online. During the show I will prepare school lessons, stuff for Relief Society, or do indexing if I need something to do. We watch glee, house, dollhouse, csi, csi:miami, and stargate sg-1 consistently (I probably shouldn't admit to most of these, but they entertain me and give us conversation fodder for parenting in the 21st century; discuss THAT amongst yourselves.). If Robert doesn't need hours or he can't concentrate enough to justify being "on the clock" he will snuggle on the couch with me and fall asleep at some point. He will wake when it's way too late for me to still be up, and drag me to bed.

Robert always (if he's not totally zonked) kneels by the bed, rubs my feet, and reads to me to help me get to sleep. We have couple prayers and he falls asleep almost instantly if he doesn't go into the kitchen to do dishes, make carnation, or whatever puttering he does when the sifties and I are alseep.

And the cycle begins again.

SO how do your days go?

Party Done!

Well, the party is done. We only had about 60 people in attendance this year, so it was less crowded than usual, but it was generally less stressful b/c we did a potluck for the bulk of the food and I got to focus on the treats!

Angel also got his cast off last Wednesday, and my parents came to visit and actually stayed in our house for 2 nights! Pictures of all forthcoming!

Halloween Party Prep

I have some amazingly cute children and pictures of them to boot! Remind me to post them sometime. Meanwhile, I think I'll take a nap before I finish preparing for the Halloween party tonight! I still have cookies to bake and children to yell at -I mean, encourage to help clean up the living room. Who wants to come over and do that for me?

OK, say good night, John Boy.

Whatever You're Doing... It Feels Like Chaos

I'm mostly tired.

I've been focusing on school with the kids and getting ready for our annual Halloween party (and Halloween itself, of course!). I've been a bit manic lately off and on. I've been drinking too much Dr. Pepper again and have to decide when I will wean myself AGAIN.

I'm starting to fear that I will become like I remember my mom being when I was little. We called it manic-depression back then. What do they call it now? Bipolar? My mom is much better now, but she has to take meds. I hate the idea that I am broken enough to warrant being on medication for the rest of my life or I will spend a lot of my children's childhood yelling at them and getting ridiculously upset over stupid things that I know don't really matter even in the very second that I am freaking out about them. Whoo, long sentence, sorry!

I am surprised at how I feel about the latest miscarriage. It's nothing mostly. Numb I suppose, b/c to say I don't feel sad would make me heartless. Remember sometime in your life where you were really upset? Maybe you were a small child, or even an adult. And someone you loved came up to you, spoke lovingly and perfectly, and you could NOT feel upset anymore no matter how hard you wanted to and tried to. The Spirit (The Holy Ghost, I mean) has been doing that with me. It's like I understand at some deep level that I cannot even communicate to anyone else, which is just confusing, but also feels nice. I've grown. And that stinks. I don't wanna be wise! I wanna be a baby and whine and cry about mememe.

OK, not really.

sigh

I have a lot of gas. I take iron and stool softeners b/c of the beautiful things the iron does to my bowels, which makes my powder room habits weird to say the least. Hey, I've warned you before that my blog is TMI sometimes! My point is that I get gas bubbles in my tummy a lot. Sometimes it's just painful, but other times it feels like a baby kicking. And I stop and think, I could/would be over 15 weeks now, and that's a good time to start feeling baby moving. And I spend a few short seconds deluding myself that maybe the doctor, tests, and ultrasound were all wrong and a baby is still in there. Then I think, if I had kept the first pregnancy that I would be having a baby in less than a month. And then I remind myself that if it was supposed to be then I would still be pregnant, so I feel confused as to whether or not I should want this at all. And even as I go through all of this in my head the peace pervades all, and I can't cry.

Granted, it's not like we don't have "enough" children. I guess I always thought we'd have more. More meaning any number greater than we have at the present moment.

We've thought about adopting. We started doing research a long while ago, before the first miscarriage, before I even knew I was pregnant at that time. Then we noticed that the adoption agency we were looking at (just a state thing) has a rule that no more than 6 children (including the foster child/adoptee) can be in a home. So, naturally, when we found I was pregnant adoption went onto the back burner. We've discussed it before. We always talked about when we are "done" having kids, we would adopt some older kids, maybe some kids who have problems (boy do those poor kids have problems...), but we always talked about doing it when Angel and Oli were well into their teenage years, so they could be a good influence on any kids we bring onto our home and not the opposite.

Since the last time we discussed it, we talked about the idea that it would be nice to adopt a child who is between Oli and Isa's ages. They have an almost 4 year gap, so a child in there would be perfect, right? Logically, of course. But since when does my logic ever line up with the infinite knowledge and grand plan of our Father in heaven? That's rhetorical, smart alecks!

So part of my confusion stems from the idea that perhaps we are supposed to adopt now instead of have me bear another baby (just for now, I hope). I would love a new sifty to add to our family, no matter their age or other circumstances, but a sweet, brand new, birthed at home baby would be... sweet.

Overall, I want to do what Heavenly Father wants for us, and I know that Robert & I will know when we should know. So I'm just venting. And b/c I love music, and it expresses so clearly what I feel so often, here's a song for now (pause the main music player before you press play).

and thanks for noticing me.