Thursday, April 9, 2009

Good News, Mostly

I had hoped for this post to be full of only good news, but alas, life is life, so here goes. I have had my first known miscarriage. I'm not sure if it's totally done, and we are just waiting it out at this point, though we do have an appointment with a doctor for Tuesday to double check that everything is ok, besides the fact that the child I carried for 10 1/2 weeks won't be with us in October as we hoped. I am overwhelmed by conflicting emotions, and overall don't know how I feel, except I hurt. It's surreal to me who has never had pregnancy problems. Maybe I was really pregnant with multiple sifties and a baby is still growing inside of me right now...

but probably not.

Now it's time for me to list some good news, before I can't see the keyboard for the tears.

I have the most caring, unselfish, kind, sweet, loving husband in the universe (sorry ladies, he's mine!). He wants nothing more in this life than to love and care for me.

I have 5 beautiful, intelligent, sweet, obedient, kind, helpful, silly, and wonderful sifties who love me for some unknown reason.

I have a home.

My husband has a job and all of our bills get paid on time.

I know who God is, that He loves me, and He has a plan for me and my family and everyone else. I know His plan is perfect, no matter how much I don't understand.

I know who Jesus Christ is. I know he lived, taught, healed, suffered, and died for many reasons, all of them good. I know He lives today, with God, and has made a way for me to live with both of them again, perfect, whole, and with all of my family if I can just hang in there and have faith and do my best... and get back up again when I screw up (a lot).

so why am I so scared that I will never birth another child again? If I don't, I'll know that that was the plan all along. But this seems like a righteous desire: to help more of God's children come to Earth in a loving family. I'm only 32. Could I really be done? And if I am, how ungrateful am I to want more?

Sorry.

Good news:

Robert loves me.
Angel,
Oliver,
Isa,
Horatio,
Elisabeth-Jane,
Tricia,
Marsha,
and many others
love me.

Right?
Right!

Heavenly Father loves me.
Jesus loves me.

It's all going to be ok.
But if you tell me that, I will have to hit you.

For now, empathy or sympathy and prayers are welcome and needed.

and I love you.

5 comments:

Megan said...

I'm so sorry April. I've been there and it hurts. It's ok that it hurts. Surround yourself with your kids and hug them twice as much as usual. I'll be praying for you.

Aby Runyan said...

Well I don't want to get hit, but you know what I'm thinking.
I only know it to be true because of exactly the same reasons you do.

I'd say I know how you're feeling - but I don't.
I do know others who have gone through the same thing, it never ceases to amaze me how many there are, and they have all come out smiling on the other end. Still, there were tears at the start - and the middle, and the end.

Did you listen to conference? Did you hear Monson? If you did, then you surely know what you don't want me to say.

You have my love and my prayers. Aren't wonderful priesthood holding husbands grand? Wait, you already know that too.

EXTRA luvs, aby

swedemom said...

I'm so sorry April. Especially if I have caused you pain with my own surprise pregnancy. Please know it was never intended.

Honey, it's supposed to hurt. You want more children and you love them. You know, in a way, what you've lost.

I wish I could wrap you in my comfort with hugs and chocolate and a girl's night out.

Please call me if you want to talk.

James, Cameo, Jacob, Elijah said...

I'm so sorry!! Thank you for your great example of faith and positivity. I guess that's really all we can hold onto in times of sorrow!! You're loved!

Meg said...

Oh, April. My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry. You're in my thoughts and prayers.