I had hoped for this post to be full of only good news, but alas, life is life, so here goes. I have had my first known miscarriage. I'm not sure if it's totally done, and we are just waiting it out at this point, though we do have an appointment with a doctor for Tuesday to double check that everything is ok, besides the fact that the child I carried for 10 1/2 weeks won't be with us in October as we hoped. I am overwhelmed by conflicting emotions, and overall don't know how I feel, except I hurt. It's surreal to me who has never had pregnancy problems. Maybe I was really pregnant with multiple sifties and a baby is still growing inside of me right now...
but probably not.
Now it's time for me to list some good news, before I can't see the keyboard for the tears.
I have the most caring, unselfish, kind, sweet, loving husband in the universe (sorry ladies, he's mine!). He wants nothing more in this life than to love and care for me.
I have 5 beautiful, intelligent, sweet, obedient, kind, helpful, silly, and wonderful sifties who love me for some unknown reason.
I have a home.
My husband has a job and all of our bills get paid on time.
I know who God is, that He loves me, and He has a plan for me and my family and everyone else. I know His plan is perfect, no matter how much I don't understand.
I know who Jesus Christ is. I know he lived, taught, healed, suffered, and died for many reasons, all of them good. I know He lives today, with God, and has made a way for me to live with both of them again, perfect, whole, and with all of my family if I can just hang in there and have faith and do my best... and get back up again when I screw up (a lot).
so why am I so scared that I will never birth another child again? If I don't, I'll know that that was the plan all along. But this seems like a righteous desire: to help more of God's children come to Earth in a loving family. I'm only 32. Could I really be done? And if I am, how ungrateful am I to want more?
Robert loves me.
and many others
Heavenly Father loves me.
Jesus loves me.
It's all going to be ok.
But if you tell me that, I will have to hit you.
For now, empathy or sympathy and prayers are welcome and needed.
and I love you.
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