Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Catharsis and Closure
Pause the music to the right and press "play" above, so you can get the whole soundtrack effect here!
Today I went to see an OB/Gyn that many friends and acquaintances recommended. My oldest sister came to watch the kids, and Robert came home early to go with me. I was really nervous, not knowing how my uncontrollable emotions would come out. I was also kind of weirded out when we got to the doctor's office and there was a big sign on the door saying "No children allowed", and another one by the sign-in spot telling you to reschedule your appointment if you do have children with you. I can understand the logic and comfort factor for other patients, but it was still just weird to me. We waited and waited. We went in, got weighed, did a urine sample, and finally they did a pelvic exam and an internal ultrasound. It was interesting to see my uterus bigger than normal, but as the doctor pointed out there wasn't even a gestational sac, much less a sifty in there. He was a very nice doctor. He sat with us and explained things very gently. I could tell he was choosing his words carefully, but also wanted to be sure we knew that this was definitely a miscarriage. He did point out that saving the "tissue" past about 12 hours is pointless from a pathology stand point, so now you know. Unless you go in to the doctor really soon after a miscarriage there is not much testing they can/will do on the "remains" (for lack of a better word). The doctor also made it very clear that most miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities, not having to do with anything we did or could have done. It's pretty much just statistics. In my research I found quite a few people saying that about 15% of pregnancies are miscarried (which is about 1 in 7 for those of you too lazy to do the math), so I just figured I was due. The doctor we saw told us a figure much higher, like 25% or more, which as he pointed out makes ME the anomoly, having given birth 6 times already with absolutely no problems! Strangely, that made me feel better. The whole experience was cleansing for me. Perhaps it was knowing that it is at least over mostly (still bleeding, but no more huge pains or clots) and that there is not anything more that needs to be done, except the Doc does want to monitor my HCG levels to make sure they go all the way down to zero again, which would indicate that my body is indeed done with this prenancy.
It's strange how much better I felt after walking out of the doctor's office. Robert was very contemplative the whole time. I think it was finally hitting him while we were there. Overall I am not mourning for this baby, b/c I don't believe this baby had her spirit in this body yet. I believe she is still waiting to come to us. I am sort of grieving for the "might have beens" like having a halloween baby and being pregnant with my sister and being fussed over by friends and family. Silly things. This little body may not have even gotten to the point where I think of "losing" this pregnancy. It could have stopped developing days or weeks before the bleeding even started. This is not to diminish the very real and devastating grief felt by anyone else, this is just how I am feeling now. I cannot imagine someone having to go through a D&C where they have to "clean you out" or giving birth to a later term baby that is fully formed and much larger. When we got home Robert and I buried what I had saved in the front garden, more for closure than anything else. It felt good to give it to the soil, so that the nutrients can be used for feeding the grass and flowers instead of just flushed.
At this point I have progressed from being bipolar (though I have my moments) to being a victim of Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome. It's nice to have a neat little title for how I am feeling. I am fine one minute then something triggers me, and I am trying to breathe and figure out where I am and keep myself here. For instance Robert made me a cd, as I mentioned before. He wanted it to be an upbeat, fun cd, so he put a cool version of "Kung Fu Fighting" on it. It's a better version than the reeeeeeaaally slow one that's out there (that may be the original, but I dunno'), and I think the good one is the Kung Fu Panda one (good movie, btw). Well it came on while we were in the car and the lyrics hit me and I was crying in the middle of the street in the middle of a conversation which had nothing to do with anything. The phrase "What would it take to break? I believe that you can bend" made me remember that Heavenly Father feels that way about me. He knows I can do this. And the line "the future is a little bit frightening" hit me too, b/c I am looking forward to trying again but not looking forward to the anxiety that will inevitably come with it. And if I knew how to imbed just music directly into a post, I would do that for you. If I do figure it out, just be sure to pause my music player on the side, so you can hear it.
Everybody is Kung Fu Fighting
Your mind becomes fast as lightning
Although the future is a little bit fright'ning
It's the book of your life that you're writing
You're a diamond in the rough
A brilliant ball of clay
You could be a work of art
If you just go all the way
Now what would it take to break
I believe that you can bend
Not only do you have to fight
But you have got to win
You are a natural
Why is it so hard to see
Maybe it's just because
You keep on looking at me
The journey's a lonely one
So much more than we know
But sometimes you've got to go
Go on and be your own hero
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