Monday, April 13, 2009

The TMI Post: Don't Read Anymore Unless You Really Want to Hear it. You Have Been Warned.

I want so badly to vent, but I am still so confused that I don't know where to start. I am trying to understand what I am feeling, but my brain is still refusing to settle down enough to actually think about anything for more than a few minutes, much less analyze anything. When I try to think about what I am feeling my brain jumps ship to whatever random topic it can latch onto. I can't even write stuff down about my being psycho chick all day. I find myself constantly apologizing to Robert, while he graciously blows it off telling me I haven't done anything... but I have yelled at him and the sifties so much it's painful. Yesterday I figured I wouldn't make it past the first hour of church. Then we got a call asking if Robert could sub in Isa's Primary class (the 5 year olds). B/c of sick people out there, a male can't teach a Primary class alone, so I had a need to fill and a reason to remain at church for all 3 hours. Mixed feelings: Annoyance ("Now I have to stay..."), gladness ("At least I'm needed."), exhaustion (I've stayed up until 5 am for 2 nights, until 3:45 1 night, and here I am again...), gratitude ("Heavenly Father knows I'm trying, failing, but trying, and failing, and trying some more."), confusion ("What is the point of all this."). Above all I was not wanting to face being in a large gathering of people, among whom are some who suspect I am pregnant (b/c we don't tell before about 12 weeks, for the sad reason of possible miscarriage which has never happened until now), some who know I have miscarried, and some who know nothing and probably don't care. As a wise person once pointed out, "Do you think these people really care what you are doing? They've all got their own problems!" (not in a mean way of course, but it's true. I often think people are laughing or talking about me when that's totally stupid!) I really did not want the emotional frustration of dealing with having to constantly go to the bathroom to check bleeding (inconspicuously, of course), put on my happy face and tell people I'm just tired (when I am so confused and vacillate between feeling dead inside and a million other emotions), and avoid anyone talking to me long enough to inquire if I am pregnant.

I had been having a tiny bit of pink when I went to the bathroom for about 4 to 5 days before my midwife appointment last Tuesday. I was 10 weeks, 4 days according to my edd, based on my last period. She tried to hear the heartbeat, but couldn't and we didn't think anything of it b/c -as Robert pointed out- we've never heard any of the kids heartbeats this early. The whole time, I have not been worried at all. I have freaked out completely in previous pregnancies over a tiny bit of blood or cramps or anything I felt weird about. This time it was as though the Spirit was compelling me to be totally calm. I could not freak out if I tried. I asked Robert when we were going to call our moms to announce the news (Moms have to be the first to be told, right?)... Then Wednesday morning I had bright red blood. I got a little worried, but still felt this overwhelming calm.

Here's where the TMI starts, so now's your chance to turn back...

I stopped using tampons a while back, and use a Diva cup now (brand name for a menstrual cup, kind of like a diaphragm, but it holds up to an ounce, so you have something reusable, cleanable, doesn't leak, and you only have to empty it twice a day. It really is nice and sanitary). Well, I figured this was perfect for keeping track of how much blood I'm losing. I lost a good 4 oz before the afternoon, checking at least every half hour. Then I put it in again, sat down for 15 minutes, felt like I needed to check it again, and no sooner than I sat down in the bathroom than it literally fell out with a lot of "stuff" (easily 2 ounces worth by volume, mostly red, some liver looking, lots of big pieces, and some whitish tissue, pretty big, maybe the size of a 10 week old fetus, but not anything that looked like a baby). I (already wearing surgical gloves) reached in and got the stuff out, saving it in a small plastic container, as I had done some research online and a lot of people suggest saving it for testing later (especially as I suspect I had a very early miscarriage a few months ago). I saved everything for the rest of that day until I stopped having enough to use the cup, and switched to pads.

Hey I warned you in the title, this was TMI. Your bad for reading this far if you are grossed out by now! But I want to record this for me and for anyone who may have questions like me.

I talked to my midwife a few times, and she confirmed what I thought: there's not much anyone can do at this point, so it's just as good to wait unless I see signs of infection. My big sister came over as well as a friend from church and hung out and helped a bit on Thursday. I even went to a meeting Thursday night, feeling like I'd rather go out than allow myself to wallow at home.

The bleeding slowed down, we went out to do errands eventually on the weekend, and I have pretty much stayed glued to my chair besides. My energy level is rising and falling in waves. I have had waves of contractions (and cramps, and believe you me I know the difference) after the big "stuff coming out" which is confusing me more. Why is my body acting like it's in labor when it's all (mostly?) out already? The bleeding will slow, then get heavy and clott-y again. I keep having random muscle pain and cramps and backaches. I am frustrated and mad at no one in particular, b/c it's just not fair that it hurts and it so messy and no one ever warns you about this. In fact when we called the ER on Saturday to kind of get an idea if this was normal, I got mad. If you know me, you know I have had all of my children "naturally," painfully (except for the last, which was drug free and pain free, Yeah Hypnobabies!), so I have no problem with dealing with childbirth to get a baby! But I felt like the guy on the phone was telling me to suck it up. Most women would walk in there and say they are in labor and the first thing a hospital does is offer her drugs to take away the pain, but a woman has a miscarriage and the guy is like, "Eh, that's normal." I wanted drugs. Why should I put up with this pain, when I am getting nothing at the end?


Sorry, had to vent.

Now that I've vented, if you are still with me, let me share some insights I have had, grudgingly, but good. I found myself thinking about the fact that I know I chose to come to Earth for a purpose, to get a body, have certain experiences to learn and grow, and prove that I want to go back to live with God (that's the really short version). If this experience draws me closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus, then it's totally worth it. (I thought that kind of grudgingly.)

Later Robert and I were talking, and I was explaining to him some of my feelings, and I thought without hesitation that I would do this a hundred times over again if it brings me closer to Robert. Now you can see right here that I am imperfect, as I value my relationship with Robert more than with my Creator, but I'm working on that (at least it's not money...), sincerely. Pretty soon after that I shared with Robert that if this brings me closer to them then I want to/will do it willingly, but I don't really want to. It is a trait I am working on daily, wanting what Heavenly Father wants for me, and not what I want (like the spoiled child that I am most of the time). My brain is shutting down, so my words are dribbling forth. I apologize.

Thanks for hanging around for a bit.

Random thought: in church today it dawned on me, "I don't cook Easter dinner. Aren't I supposed to cook some ham or turkey dinner and have family over? I feel like a failure at being a domestic queen." At least we had an Easter egg hunt and talked about the resurrection.

Then I spent a good part of the evening getting my hopes up falsely by searching the internet for stories of "miscarriages" and heavy bleeding where the mom is still pregnant afterwards; there are quite a lot actually... at least now I'm not totally in the pits of despair, but when I crash Tuesday after my appointment I'll be mad at myself (stupid self!).

I haven't had the guts to tell Horatio yet. How do I tell him? He's been more aware of this pregnancy than I ever imagined he would be, pointing out there's a baby in my tummy and putting a teddy bear in his shirt and walking around saying, "I have a baby in my tummy, Mommy!" It was so cute, and just a few days ago!

Little things. I need to relax so badly and I keep thinking I can just sit back and listen to my Hypnobabies pregnancy affirmations. Then I realize, I can't. They're all about being healthy and baby being healthy and growing and good... I was so looking forward to practicing my Hypnobabies again.

Come back, OK? I promise I'll be better soon.


i can do this i can do this i can do this

Robert made me a cd. He titled it "Happy Together." He wants so badly to help and make me happy. I'm sorry, my love. Thank you.


Aby Runyan said...

Oh sweetie, my heart is breaking for you right now. You are experiencing one of my very worst nightmares, and responding pretty much exactly the same way I imagine I'd respond.

Don't fret about getting angry around Robert, he's your eternal companion and your sounding board. He knows this. He can take it. He loves you.

Don't worry about getting angry around the kids, apologize and try again. And if you get mad again, then try again. They love you too. They have short memories and lots of forgiveness. I should know this - I mess up around my kids daily. DAILY.

Your grudgingly revealed thoughts count just as much as non-grudging ones.
Remember that Jesus was perfect, and He still didn't really WANT to have to go through what He did. But He did it because He knew it was right and needed. He did it because his Father wanted Him to. If the only reason you do something is because your Father in Heaven asks you to do it, that is more than enough.

I have to ask, I know "sifties" are your kids but what does it mean?

luvs, aby

P Freeman said...

Dearest April, you need to remember that our Savior, the one perfect being to live on the earth, DID NOT WANT TO DO what Heavenly Father asked of Him. In point of fact, He pleaded that the cup be removed from Him. He was 'sore amazed' when the true magnitude of the Atonement became reality rather than theory, and He did NOT like the way it was going.

And He is perfect. In Him, the Father is well-pleased.

It's not the wanting or not wanting that is judged. It's the doing. The Savior even told a parable about a good servant and a bad servant: one who said, no, I won't, but then repented and obeyed anyway. The other said, yes, I will, but then didn't.

Remember Elder Holland's talk at conference, when he told of how the Father was probably never more near His Son than at Calvary. Remember that He loves you just as much. You are not second-class or a perpetual failure or even a 'maybe someday, if I try hard enough'. You, my dear, are His favorite NOW. He soooo loves you.

You are my favorite too because you try so hard. I know you have difficult times, as do we all, but you are so full of love, it just radiates off you and into the lives of others, whether or not you feel yourself or life worthwhile. That is one of your finest traits and that which I most wish to emulate. Thank you for being such a good example to me.

I just read that Aby said much the same thing, but I'm going to leave mine as it is. Out of the mouths of two or three witnesses, right?

One last thought: you don't have to eat the whole elephant en mass. Take it one plate at a time.

All my love,


Unas Tontarias said...

I am so sorry for your loss - with love, The Heatons