Friday, April 10, 2009

I am Claiming Bipolarity Due to Miscarriage

I've always had mood swings.

But the past 2 days have been crazy.

I can go from numb, to utterly grateful, to angry, to sobbing, to ready to go out, to ready to take a bath, to ready to be done with everything, to ready to stay up all night all within a matter of maybe an hour. It's really weird. And even as it's happening, I feel a complete loss of control, and wonderment at how psychotic I can be. It would be entertaining if it wasn't so pathetic.

Robert is doing his best at biting his tongue and not biting off my head when I do it to him for no other reason than that he doesn't know how to prepare hot dogs to take to the drive-in.

The kids are enjoying asking me if they can play Spore, b/c I generally answer, "I don't care."

Horatio is enjoying the cuddle time, and I am totally enjoying being entertained by watching Elisabeth-Jane be cute.

I am also not enjoying the debilitating fits of crying when I am not expecting it. I am entirely empathetic towards people who are bi-polar.

I am also having trouble articulating (or whatever the word for articulating is when you are writing) how I am feeling, b/c I am going through a surreal period right now. This obviously isn't happening.

BTW, I love the George Lopez show. He's funny. I'm hungry, but I don't really feel any motivation to eat anymore without somebody else to feed, and I certainly don't need the extra calories.

My head is killing me, but I am refusing to take any aspirin or ibuprophen under the completely made up assumption (by my imagination) that I was really pregnant with more than one baby and I'm still pregnant. Whew. Feels good to admit it. We'll know Tuesday, barring any complications before then, since I have an appointment with an OB to double check that everything is... ok. Did I say that in my last post? Hey, I have a right to my ridiculous fantasies.

Little known fact about having a miscarriage: it hurts. It tends to make me cranky. I feel like it's adding insult to injury. You know, the Universe should know it's not fair for something so emotionally painful to actually be physically painful, too. I think a petition should be started.

I think my brain is having a hard time processing this, so it's jumping all over the place b/c I'm scared to stop and think about it. But, ironically my head hurts worse when I close my eyes, so I'm up.

I am 99.99% sure that sometime in the future I will look back on this and say, "I'm glad things didn't happen the way I wanted them to at the time, look how much better it is now," but right now I just wish I was still pregnant. I wish I could've called my mom to tell her last week -finally- that I was pregnant and tell her the line I've been practicing since we found out, "I figured since I'd been pregnant at the same time as Tricia (my oldest sister), I'd also get pregnant at the same time as Charlotte (my other older sister, who is pregnant with her first now)" then wait for my mom to work out what I said. That was gonna be fun. Then she'd yell at Cliff in another room, "Cliiiff, guess who's pregnant again?" I'd probably tell everybody at church this weekend, too. That way my good friend Marsha will stop telling me to see a doctor for my mood problems, b/c I could finally point out why I've been a bit crazier than usual lately. sigh. Writing all this down doesn't make me cry right now (maybe later), and I have no idea why. I don't feel empty. I feel nonplussed. I feel like I bought a brand new car, filled it with gas, oil and everything it might need, and even washed it, only to have it break down a block away from the dealership. Logically, I understand this happens to women all over the world all the time, but I don't have these problems. I hardly ever even got sick before I got married. But everyone has stuff happen, and I really do get it, "It can happen to anyone, even me." So maybe I'm really surprised by how surprised I am...?

I can't get my head around this and I'm starting to not be able to see anymore, and if I cry any more my head will explode, so I'm going to watch mindless tv and enjoy my denial a little while longer.

at least until Tuesday.

Thanks for visiting me.


Julie said...

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, April. You and Robert have had quite a shock. I know how much you wanted that baby. It's good that you are able to write about your feelings, to let them out and let them go. Tears are a healthy response, too. Be patient with yourself, there is nothing that you "should" or "should not" be at this time. If it feels bipolar, that's OK. If it feels some other way tomorrow, that's OK, too. Remember you are April, a woman who is loved and has many friends who care. We are here to lend an ear and a hand.

Kurt said...

April I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Your family has always been a great example to Melani and me. I can't say I know how you feel at all because I don't even know what it feels like to be pregnant! But the list of things you do know is true, and you do have a lot of support not only from Heavenly Father, but from your husband, your wonderful family, and your friends. If I were you I wouldn't feel bad at all about having a temporary case of bipolarity.

Robyn said...

April, I am so sorry for you. I can only imagine how devastating this must be for you. I hope you can come to peace with what has happened and that you will have the opportunity to be a mommy again soon. I'll keep you in my prayers!

swedemom said...

Hugs and prayers for you, my dear.