Thursday, June 26, 2008

I Want to be an Adult; I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA

Do you have those days where you are really tired of being patient and keeping everything together? Paying the bills, keeping the house clean, feeding/clothing/taking care of everyone else... I know we are where we are supposed to be. I don't know why we are here. We DO know this is the house we are supposed to be in. Robert & I knew it halfway through our first look at it. We prayed about it over and over and got the same answer, and then everything with the move all fell into place when normally a cross country move in 2 weeks would probably not go very smoothly.

So here's what I used to want: to be a famous singer, pop star, Broadway diva, platinum CD artist, doesn't matter. I just wanted everyone to know I have that particular talent and get some praise for it. Then I realized what I really wanted was recognition for who I am, totally (the talents I have are just an ends to that mean), and love. There is no better way to that than through having and raising an amazing family. However there is a catch. It is not a fast process. This is not your basic, run of the mill get-rich-quick scheme. This is the slow and steady, really steep uphill climb, that ends with me being at the top of Mount Everest (and the bragging rights that go with it), but freezing my butt off, starving, wondering if I'm going the right way, losing my guide every now and again (where does he keep getting off to?), and questioning why I am doing this in the first place all the way up. I know in my heart this particular Everest is worth it, but there are always those moments of panicked reflection, usually when I am tired &/or hurting. FLYlady says when you start to feel depressed, HALT: check to see if you are too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (of course the idea is that you never let yourself get to that state b/c you are FLYing (finally loving yourself). Of course, that means valuing myself enough to think I am worth paying attention to before I hit that point. In fact I play the martyr, actually wishing sometimes that I will get sick enough to be put in the hospital, but not so sick that it's really bad, just enough to get some of those people I want to come visit me to feel bad enough to come. And I laugh at the entirely sad state of me. What a dork!

So what I really want right now, besides the wherewithall to just sit back and enjoy my sweet sifties and kitties for a bit, is to get an Associates degree at a culinary school. I don't mean I want to go take some cheesy hour-long classes at a little restaurant or shop, I mean a real culinary arts program, that will make people want to come to the Dinner Theatre Robert & I will own and run one day. Then once we have them roped for the first time, they will keep coming back because of my mad skills in the kitchen and the amazingly talented crew and cast of the shows. Reality check is, the closest school is 30-45 minutes away, I have a nursing baby, plus the older kids to care for, a husband who works/is gone 50-60 hours a week, and Culinary Schools tend not to like their students going part time anyway. The kicker is, no matter how much I want to go to Culinary School, even if Robert were able to work from home and/or someone could care for the sifties, and I found a great part time program, I don't want that! I want to raise my children, now. I want to be the one they need, and if my husband were home, I'd want to be here, too.

Ideally there is a little college, within 10 minutes of us, that has an empty classroom, where Robert & the kids will all hang out in (Robert would of course have his laptop and be working for insanely huge amounts of money b/c he is such a wanted IT contractor, and the kids would be reading, watching movies, running around, etc.) while waiting for me, and we would all have lunch together and see each other between each class/lab I take. Oh, and about 25-35% of all my classes would be waived b/c of my BA, so I would finish my Culinary AAS in about 12-18 months. At which point Robert will have made so much $ (we already paid for my schooling) we have a tidy sum set aside to buy our theatre space. Then we all work together as a happy theatre family, where the work is of such variety that everyone is happy b/c there are creative outlets for all! Thank you for visiting Polar Bear Fantasy Land, please watch your step as you disembark, thank you, goodbye, goodbye now, goodbye...

1 comment:

Robyn said...

I justed wanted to say hello. I loved seeing the pics of your kids. They are getting so big. I also enjoyed reading your posts. I can related on so many levels. Be home with kids is great but it means giving up other things in the process. Love you!