Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Perhaps a Post

I have been very neglectful of you, bloggy friends, and I apologize. My only excuse is pregnancy and fall. You see, every year starting with the end of August our year revs up, goes from summer to 60 in less than 24 hours it seems and doesn't stop accelerating until well into Spring, around Robert's bday (in April, interestingly enough). Let's see if I can catch you up a little without losing too much time wherein I should be reading my scriptures and snuggling with the younger sifties who I tend to neglect slightly while I'm homeschooling the boys.Pregnancy seems to be going well. I am frustrated that I am still on pins and needles about this baby. We had an ultrasound at about 22 weeks, and discovered it's a boy. Pics were fuzzy, but I'm trusting that info about 98%, so we are pretty sure what his name is, but I'm not telling yet. Sorry. Sometimes we have to meet them to make sure we know their name. I firmly believe all of our children already have names before they were created on Earth, so I like to get it right! I enjoy every movement (though I'm annoyed with the amazing reflux already, and wondering how the heck I'm going to deal with it when this little boy is 6 times as big as he is now!), but each movement scares me, too. I worry that the cord is long, and each roll, twist, or kick might put a kink or knot in the cord. Inevitably I get to a point every day that I wonder if it's been a while since I felt him, then he pushes out and lets me know he's still here. Then I wonder if I will ever again have that blissful, no worries pregnancy that I used to enjoy and didn't know I was lucky enough to have. Why is it when you lose something, instead of realizing the odds are against it again you dwell on the idea that it CAN happen to someone and why not me again? I know a late pregnancy loss is not the same as a miscarriage and they are not related statistically or genetically, but it still feels like any day this baby may not make it into my arms, despite all signs saying he is alive and well. And holding this all in in order to bolster my family and not stress out my eczema covered husband any more than he already is is tiring to say the least. Whew, new subject.

The boys started K12 this year. Basically it's online, public homeschooling. The standards are a bit higher than your basic public school, but the rules (i.e. attendance, subjects, testing for Texas) are about the same. It has given me a level of accountability that I need. I have never been very disciplined when it comes to any sort of independent study situations, so this has been great. It was a slow start, b/c the first week was a lot of training videos/slide shows which the boys got bored with very quickly and kept asking me when we were getting to real school, but once the lessons started coming they didn't slow down. We are doing about 6-8 hours per boy every day, not counting lunch time. They are learning a lot and it's nice to see them absorb things. I get frustrated when I don't know what the heck the lessons are talking about or when the boys don't grasp my obviously perfect explanations, but those times are farther and farther apart as we get better at the program and schedule.

Isabelle is loving the local public school, riding the bus, and being probably one of the most popular girls in her first grade class. She's brought home "happy notes" from 3 different teachers commending her on her behavior and helpfulness. She loves her teachers, classes, friends, and even riding the bus. She hates buying school lunch, which means I get to fix her lunch every day at the crack of dawn, but I know she loves it so I don't mind except when I am tired, like the last couple of days when a cold has knocked me over. Isa's main teacher, Mrs. Shaw is a slightly older lady who's been teaching for at least a decade and has grown kids. She is perfect for Isa, disciplining but kind, firm but loving with the kids, and she likes when I come to the class for Mother reader time. I love this age when all of the kids think having a Mom do stuff at school is still cool, and it only gives Isa more credibility with her friends (read: popularity!).

Horatio and Jane are feeling a bit neglected and I need to sit down and create a shelf and a list of activities they can do slightly independently that I can help with or leave them to. I don't mind them watching Nick shows b/c they are learning a lot (numbers, colors, shapes, counting, Spanish), but I don't let them watch too much on most days. On a good day I spend my time waiting for the boys to get up snuggling on the couch with them which helps them for the rest of the day (though this means not getting my chores done). We've done puzzles, games, sensory activities (flour, sugar, cornstarch, water, paint, etc in cookie sheets), manipulatives (play coins or shapes for sorting/counting), painting/drawing... Honestly I just need to spend some time and find a good preschool website and do some printouts/copies for more writing exercises. Horatio can write the first few letters of his name and his fine motor skills are great! Jane is learning a few letters and numbers and I'm afraid she's not too far behind Horatio though he's much older. My hands will be even fuller next year and of course I wouldn't have it any other way.

Robert is still having eczema troubles, but it is much better on his arms. It's being very stubborn on his neck, but it can't be helped until his stress level goes down, which I'm afraid is not going to happen until after this baby comes, as my mood swings do not help his stress. With the business of school a lot of the house gets neglected; it's not a pigsty and we get it cleaned up most days, but the long term stuff like laundry and dishes do pile up easily then we play catch up on the weekend, or not, which causes stress during the week. Having such a ridiculous commute and sucky health insurance (read: pretty much everything out of pocket) are some stressors that we can't do anything about right now. Add to all that one car instead of 2, no time/transportation to do errands during the day and general crappy moody wife and you have one stressed out hubby. We are doing what we can: prayers, scriptures, church, dates (more often than we used to, but not often enough), and are simply waiting for this storm to pass. It will, but it's like losing power during a hurricane. It's very frustrating to have to watch all your food thaw and spoil and know you can't do a thing about it except wait for the power to come back, and eat way too much meat.

As for me, I'm getting up way too early for anyone to be up, about quarter to 7 most days to get Isa to the bus by 7:45. Then I try to get a few things done like feed myself and read scripts/prepare my Primary lesson then make sure the boys are up for school. We get started most days by 9 or so, go until around noon, having lunch and a break for about an hour total, then work until dinner time. I tried waking them when I get back about 8ish, but that only makes Oliver more sluggish in his first lesson which is counterproductive. Angel needs minimal help with his lessons, but Oliver needs adult guidance on 80% of his lessons and the rest I have to double check for him, as his mind wanders and he gets punchy at times. If I don't check I'll find crazy answers later, having to do with monsters or some silly such, and I have to send in work samples to his teacher regularly... On a good day, we get done before dinner time and I am able to cook. On a bad day we are grateful for fast food, frozen food, and a daddy who can at least cook spaghetti or hamburger helper. We haven't gone past 7 in a while, so we are doing great. At 7:30 every night my phone alarm goes off telling us that it is time for scriptures and prayers.

We study scriptures for about half an hour depending on our time until 8 (if we finish dinner late or something). Some days we work on memorizing Articles of Faith or some other scripture verses, some days we play the "Articles of faith game" (as we've come to call it) where we sit in a circle of some sort and each person says one word until we've gone through all 13 (We have to pay attention for this one and everyone enjoys it), and some days we read from where we are in the scriptures and talk as we read. Currently we are in 2 Nephi 23, one of the Isaiah chapters. I have been pleasantly surprised that I am understanding and can explain a lot of the symbolism and background for these chapters b/c of my study of the Old Testament for Primary this year. I may not be teaching my Primary kids a lot, but I have learned a TON this year.

Speaking of, I have been teaching the 8/9 year old kids in Primary. I mentioned we are doing the Old Testament, and it is challenging to put it mildly. I love all the kids, but we have a few talkers and at least one silly-head who seems to only find engagement when being disruptive. Disciplining in church is tricky, as any of you who have been in Primary, Nursery, or YW/YM can attest to. Each age has to be understood and you have to know what they can be expected to do and act like before you can even think about how to teach and deal with behavior. My 11 year olds were a dream, b/c I knew I could make them be accountable just by telling them so and bringing treats often! Most of my 8 year olds don't quite get personal accountability yet, so they don't really get being good for the rest of the class as well as themselves. And my only disciplinary tool is to take them out of class which is what some of them want. Not very helpful to make the point. I need to go through the Primary training videos for the umpteenth time and figure out what to do. Of course, the saddest thing is I have a few great students (behavior wise of course, since they really are ALL great kids) who truly are quiet and respectful and I wish I could focus on. Ah the woes of teaching any age, right?

To follow up on my busy fall-starting-schedule let me tell you how our lives go from here on out in case I don't get on here for a while, then you'll know what we're up to. I have been working on Halloween costumes since September 1st. With 7 people to make for (my pride and creative juices won't let me buy costumes: crappily made, shoddy fabric, ugly colors, etc) I have made the deadline Sept 1st each year, after which you are stuck with what you told me you are being. We've got 2 Quidditch captains this year (Harry Potter and Oliver Wood), a pop star (Isa), Pikachu (H), a ladybug (Jane), Dr. Facilier/Shadowman from the Frog Princess (Robert), and I'm going as a pregnant skeleton. In addition to sewing costumes, I have been getting plans underway for the annual Lewis family Halloween bash. Invitations are late in going out as usual (I aim for a full month so people have the time to rearrange schedules), but they are almost done (are you brimming with the anticipation of yours yet?). Conference pops up around this time, too which means planning the week well with activities and getting errands done early b/c the weekend is not usable for anything but spiritual feasting. Once invitations are made (yep, I make those, too) then comes the logistical nightmare of getting them out to people and trying to finish costumes in time as well as plan the food, games, etc. for the partay. After that it's the Ward Halloween bash, which should be pretty big this year since Halloween is on a Sunday hence most people will not be going trick-or-treating. Then actual trick-or-treating which a good friend has planned for Saturday this year.

For November we get to the planning for Isa's annual tea party birthday which I should have invites out for before Halloween (one month rule, remember?), then my practice turkey for Thanksgiving 2 weeks prior to the holiday, then the actual tea party, then Thanksgiving. Also figuring out how to get Oliver's bday planned in there somewhere (it's the week after Thanksgiving) and throwing his party. And somewhere in there I suppose I should start planning for Christmas, you think? December is all about the Savior's birth celebration and of course the gifts that go with it. Then we get to have a baby, hopefully after Christmas, but Jane made her appearance 2 1/2 weeks early, so I'm not counting this chicken until he hatches.

So sometime late December or early January (forget New Years except for the obligatory staying up late and drinking Martinelli's) we get to have our first homebirth. Everybody pray the midwife makes it in time, please. I'm not sure I want our first homebirth to also be our first unassisted birth. Honestly I could do this with my eyes closed and in my sleep at this point, but I'd much rather an experienced care provider be there, too, and with how fast my births go we wouldn't make it to the nearest hospital (20 minutes away) even if I wanted to. As a good friend put it recently, "So you're choosing to have your baby at home instead of choosing to have it in the car." Once we have our newest sifty safe and well in my arms and at my breast we can relax until February. Did I say relax? I meant lose more sleep, but, hey, same diff.

For Valentine's Robert and I try to do a nice date every year. This means we need to budget for it well, plan our time well (reservations if possible), and think ahead for gifts/flowers. My relationship with my husband depends on him remembering Valentine's and showering me with tokens of love (expensive or homemade doesn't matter); he understands this and is good with it. Interestingly enough we do more for Valentine's than our Anniversary, but that's another post.

Then in March we have mine and Angel's bdays, which is another party and cake to plan/make, and my usual anticipation and letdown (this year was the exception) for my birthday. Luckily Angel's bday is after mine, so I can throw myself into his party plans and not wallow that I am not the center of the known Universe (why is that?). In the middle of the month of April (see how I wrote that ever so carefully?), we finally get to Robert's bday, wherein we don't do much, but I want to... Then it's finally May, we get to end the school year soon, and Summer starts in earnest.

Phew.

Now you know why I am a lazy blogger. And a busy momma. Now tell me about YOUR craziness that you love!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Preggo

I guess it's time to let my bloggy friends know that I've made it past week 13 of this pregnancy. If you are disgruntled at not knowing before now, get on FB more often, and if you're not on FB, get over it. I'm not going to waste my time announcing to everyone that I'm 6 weeks pregnant only to have to remember who I told, then track down everyone when the pregnancy ends spectacularly ugly-like. Btw, I'm in a mood today, sorry. And this was supposed to be such a nice happy post. Sorry again.

Anyways, we hit 13 weeks about Tuesday, which means we'll be out of the first trimester early next week. We also had a visit from our Midwife, who I love, but I'm not sure if we'll keep her since she lives a good 40 minutes away, and it would be silly to pay all that money if she can't even make the birth on time (the last midwife only made it with 11 minutes to spare, and her office was next door to the hospital!). Also since this labor will probably be quite fast (and a host of other reasons too numerous to discuss right now), we are aiming for a home birth, which makes our choice of providers a short list. Point was: we got to hear a heartbeat, in the 150s. I should be past worrying now, right? But for some reason I am still on pins and needles. I can't wait for the quickening, and I have a daily reminder that this baby is alive and well. I imagine I will appreciate those rib jabs much more with this one.

Overall, I am a hormonal roller-coaster. I'm too tired to do much, and I'm lonely. I haven't been to all 3 hours of church in over a month, yet noone has called or come by in weeks, except the Priests to pass the Sacrament. I KNOW I'm supposed to be happy with who I am regardless of what others do or say, but it sure is a blow to the self esteem to feel friendless, especially when this should be a happy time. And now I am feeling all wallowy and will only get worse if I continue to dwell here, so I am going to work on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Let's see if I can beat Angel, who has gotten ahead of me since I've been playing spider solitaire too much)...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Why I Go Through Trials

Perhaps, later today, I will go back and add those captions I promised so long ago. For now I am feeling pensive and repentant, and feel like letting you share the journey.

I just watched a video made by my church, and was struck by how much I needed to see and hear it. At first I was kind of annoyed at seeing Stephanie Neilson AGAIN. Not that I have any feelings for her really, it's just the pseudo-celebrity status that our society creates for these sad stories that really bugs me. Not to mention that being in the spotlight inevitably means you have to be perfect or you're some sort of bad example for the church or children everywhere somehow. Silly, I know, but just my thoughts.

Anywhoo... watch for yourself, then delve into my insights if you must.


















As I write this my heart is full. Those of you who have read my blog in the past will remember the struggle I have had with 2 miscarriages in the past year-ish. These have been especially hard b/c
1.) I have always been quite healthy overall and have given birth 6 times with no problems and b.) It just sucks

So you see, I have been spoiled with health and life in abundance, and I've been selfish to believe that I somehow deserve it more than the next woman. Logically I know that I am not entirely selfish, and I know that Heavenly Father does want to bless me with more than I can even imagine. I also know that wanting more children is not selfish even though I got to keep 5 (so far), and other women out there can't even carry and birth 1 of their own (we won't even get into the annoyance (trust me, the stronger words I'd like to use would not be fitting for a lady such as myself) of women who seem to have babies effortlessly and don't care for them or themselves).

But I digress.

My point was, this video touched me. It could be the extra hormones currently or it could be (okay really IS) the Spirit needed to send me a message. Did you catch it at the end? That was Elder Holland, btw, an Apostle of Jesus Christ speaking there. He mentioned the idea that trials bring us closer to God.

Now this may not seem to be an epiphany at first, mostly b/c in my head I know this already. But it's much easier to "know" something when you haven't gone through it yet. For instance, you probably know that getting addicted to drugs then quitting is hard. But you will never really know unless you do it (don't do it though, K? It's just an example people). It's even easy to forget some things after you've gone through them. I mean, Hello(!), I've been through plenty of trials and been drawn closer to the Lord with each one. But I didn't want to do this one again!

What is amazing is how each one brings me closer to Him in a different way.

I'm going to repeat that for posterity's sake:

Every trial brings me closer to God in a different way.

Imagine spending hours talking to your best friend; the reason you do it is you discover something different about them all the time. If you didn't find them interesting and worth finding more about would you keep talking to them?

Now if you don't know that your specific trials are hand-picked for you, and that you are watched over by a loving, kind, and ever-mindful Father in Heaven, why do you continue living this life? Seriously. For me, before I knew this, I guess my reasoning was, "Things have to get better." Note: I never said, "b/c they can't get worse", b/c as we all know that's like telling the world to "have at you." Knock on wood.

And I digress again.

And the current reason I was touched is because I have been struggling with that scary place between hope and less desirable possible outcomes. Do I allow myself to surrender to being joyful and plan for what I hope/pray/wish for, or do I ground myself in the reality that is probable?

I know myself. I know that when I plan/hope/wish for something fervently it becomes more important and almost sure to me; then if it falls through I am crushed. This is one of my most frustrating traits. It rears it's ugly head with things as mundane as going to a movie or sitting at the dinner table where I want. It's not a pretty sight. Then when it's something actually important to me, it can be devastating.

And here's where it gets TMI, so if you're male (or female who doesn't like discussion of female -uh- "stuff") you may want to avert your eyes for a couple of paragraphs. Here we go.

My last period was ridiculously long, like 10 days or so, and I marked it when I first saw spotting on the calendar, so I would be accurate (I try to keep track so I never have to have an early ultrasound again. If you've ever had one where you have to drink like 10 gallons of water and you're not allowed to pee until they can get you in and out of the ultrasound, you understand. If not, I hope you never do.) in case I get pregnant (I've been doing this for years). (Are you enjoying all the parenthesis?). Also, my cycle runs a good 30 days or so, but my allergies have practically killed me this year. I say "my allergies", but as far as I know I've never had them. (All the doctors keep saying that it's really bad this year for everyone. Blah, blah, blah.) I mean it was so bad, that the RS brought in meals and did some housework for me b/c I was so knocked out. This is all relevant, I promise (wait for it.) Well, Robert finally dragged me to an allergist, who prescribed a bunch of expensive stuff (including steroids), which we got most of and utilized right away. It helped a lot! (I liked those steroids more than you should.)

Problem is -good little instructions/insert reader I am- I waded through the rigamarole on the drugs I was taking and discovered some disturbing information about mice/rats having babies with birth defects after being given less than half the dose I was taking (and, yes, I know I weigh a LOT more than even a pregnant mouse, but they do those tests for a reason...). Now regardless of whether or not my next pregnancy ends in a miscarriage or healthy baby, I could not live with myself knowing that I had even remotely possibly done anything to encourage the former. So I took an early pregnancy test, 5 days after my period may have been due. That 2nd line was so faint I had to squint, but it was within the time frame of the test.

and it was there.

Now I know an OB/Nurse/Midwife(even) has no power to stop a miscarriage and even monitoring me and my hormones won't help if a miscarriage starts. However I also know that getting HCG levels (specifically watching them rise as they should), and (Heaven forbid) an early ultrasound to detect a heartbeat would greatly increase my peace. So, I canceled my follow up with the allergist ('cause I can search the 'net myself for natural remedies for allergies, instead of pay an allergist hundreds of dollars to say, well there's not a prescription that's safe for pregnancy, but...), and called an OB to get a quantitative HCG blood test done.

I apologize, too late obviously, for all the details, but I want to make sure I write it all down and it's my blog, so there.

I had to wait until Monday to get the number. It was a 34. To put that into perspective, anything over 20 is a definite pregnancy, but at 5 weeks it could be a high as over 1000. So we wait. Again. The nurse offered to test is again that day, but I opted to wait until Thursday (our insurance sucks, blood tests are expensive, and I figured the longer the better in case I see signs of this going south on my own). But I underestimated my mood swings and worries. I went in yesterday, got the blood drawn (by a much more competent tech who did NOT give me a bruise by jabbing the stupid needle in this time) and am currently waiting for the nurse to call and either very slowly inform me that the levels have not gone up as much as they should or happily let me know that the numbers have successfully quadrupled and we should schedule an ultrasound.

The point of all this is yesterday was a really bad day, with the waiting and crying and whathaveyou. I have vacillated many times between chanting "it's all worth it it's all worth it it's all worth it" and conceding that I don't want to do this again. I don't want to be this empathetic to some other poor woman who has done this, I don't want to have to tell my children again that this baby will not be joining our family and then deal with the younger ones not understanding and continually asking me when we're having another baby, and I don't want to get any stronger. Pooh on growing and becoming stronger emotionally and spiritually.

So you see what a baby I was being. The video above reminded me that I am not going through this (healthy baby or miscarriage it may be) to get a baby, to grow as a person, to be more empathetic and help others. I am doing this to be closer to my Father, my Creator. I want to know Him and become like Him. No other goal or plan is worth it besides this one. He knows I can do it, too. Therefore I know I can do it, even when I doubt it sometimes (OK, a lot of times).


As soon as I read my scriptures and the sifties do their chores I am declaring this a "video game day", b/c -really- what better way to fritter away time quickly than by video games. Well, maybe I'll organize the library a bit... but I'm certainly not going outside again to be accosted my minuscule demons attacking my poor eyes.

Pray for me or send me positive vibes or just come over and keep me company, would you?

UPDATE: The 2nd HCG test was up to about 85-ish. Not as high as the doubling every 2 days, but still within the range of doubling every 72 hours-ish. And, honestly, the numbers aren't so important as the change in the numbers... We've scheduled an ultrasound for this coming Thursday, at which point a heartbeat should be visible on an internal ultrasound exam. Pray for me. Please.

Monday, February 15, 2010

just some pics traveling back through time

This one is Tricia (with Zack in the background), when we tried making beignets with this really old mix she had. They were OK, but the fun was doing it and making what we used to call beignets but are really called rosettes. Those were tasty, and it was fun to play with the irons with cool shapes in hot oil!
Here are the girls with their new bags I made them. Isa's is her lunch bag for school, and I just thought Jane had to have one since Isa got one. Isa's had to be purple (I used the leftover fabric from her Jasmine Costume, and EJ's had to be pink and yellow.


Here's a closeup of Jane's bag, with her name sewn on using the free quilting foot on my sewing machine. Cool, huh?

Here's Robear staying up late with me to work and wait for me to finish the bags. I had to make 2, so 1 can be in the wash if need be.


Close-up of one of Isa's.


Jane stayed up too late that night, and was being cute for the camera before we got her to bed.


Close-up of the free quilting of the flowers on the fabric; I made a paper pattern of the flowers then just ripped it off after sewing over it.

The bag before the sides were sewn together.

Finished!


Sleeping Jane with Daddy reading to her in the kitchen.

Isa lining up all her tea sets after Christmas.


Horatio and Daddy playing with the cool marble set that we inherited from some friends (whose mom was tired of all the pieces. SCORE!)


Angel and Oliver doing the only thing that motivates them lately: playing DS/DSi.

Cute Jane the Sunday after Christmas, I believe, since she got the doll for Xmas. The Jacket was from her kindred Sister Martin (You'll see her later in this post).


Tricia trying to get a shot of everyone at the Bloise/Bourgeois traditional movie on Xmas day.

Here's all of us after the movie at the Tomball theatre. Let's see from back left: EJ, Robert, Ryhon, Zach, April, Oliver, Angel, Rhaine, Tricia, Isa, and Horatio. Pretty good for using the camera timer, eh?


Jane trying to wear everything on Xmas day, headband and gloves courtesy of Gma and Gpa Lewis from Brazil.

Angel and Oliver both got one of those cool sand frames from Gma and Gpa L.


The girls with their latest dresses (Yep, got 'em at Costco).


Robert, pretending to play the sax-like instrument his parents sent from Brazil (He said something about having to soak the reed before it can really be played). Oh, and Oliver at the bottom, showing off new play-doh.


Jane looking at a present from Sister Martin.


Jane, Isa, and Sister Martin. She's looking at a circle book I made for her.

Sister Martin and Jane snuggling for the camera!

Jane: "Oh, for me?"

Sister Martin and Isa, I believe the other Sifty is a Zentz. We were in the middle of our Xmas Eve celebration with close friends when Sister Martin stopped by with gifts.

The kids getting ready for the White Elephant exchange at our Xmas Eve dinner/party with friends.

Jane sacked out in the cart at Wal-mart. It still happens. Legs are Horatio's.


Here they both are. I'm pretty sure I moved Jane to the other place, b/c she was threatening to fall out like that.


Horatio's bday party (#4!). He wanted a Ben 10 cake, so I made a huge chocolate chip cookie and decorated it like the omnitrix (look it up). Pretty sure that's Angel, Oliver, Horatio, and me.

Cake cookie (Yeah, it's not great, but it was last minute)!


Isa sitting on Santa's lap at the ward Xmas party.

Horatio sleeping at the ward Xmas party.

Robert and Jane (and Isa) at the ward Xmas party.

Isa sleeping in one of the Kitty beds (?).

Cute EJ.

Naptime. Actually I think we had watched a movie as a family and this is what you get by the end. Horatio, Robert, and Jane.

OK, this is from my game of Animal crossing on the wii. I wanted to see what would happen if I kept just pushing this guy, well he got pretty mad. And, for some reason, the kids and I found this hilarious! Go figure.


Decorating the Xmas tree, and Angel getting ready to top it with our Angel. For arguments sake, Angel got to do it this year, 2009! Left to right: Angel, Horatio, Isa, and Oliver.


Topping the tree with Daddy's assistance.

(Whew! I'll do some more tomorrow, hopefully. Bug me if'n I don't, k?)


WHEW! I'll add some captions later tonight hopefully...