Polar Bear Burrow

June, July, and August, the highlights

2012-01-26T19:14:00.011-06:00

We went to the park. Here's a random shot of the bedlamites after one such trip.

We bathed our 4 youngest at least once in June, I think, and here is the photographic proof.

Cuteness Jane holding an Alma that is much too big for her to hold, but never too big to love!

I love this shot of my love & best friend holding our baby (this is at Menchie's frozen yogurt place).
And here's my love with our oldest daughter, she's getting to be quite the wonderful young lady...
Angel likes to read to the younger kids sometimes. He is very expressive and they always enjoy it. Oliver obviously is trying to seem disinterested here, but can't bring himself to leave the room...

We went swimming @ the Molen's this summer a few times. This was at the Deaf Branch 20th year reunion! Fun fun fun! (Seriously these captions are lame, but I need to remind myself what we were doing, OK?) I love that look he gives me when I'm taking a pic of him. :)

I don't have a pic at all, but Angel went on his first week long boy scout camping trip. He had a lot of fun even though he (and I!) was a little apprehensive about it. The day before he came back, we got a call from Grandma P in the hospital, she couldn't talk with a breathing apparatus down her throat, but had decided that not being able to breathe on her own meant it was time to say goodbye for now. We gave her all our love and assured her we would miss her dearly, and I called Angel to let him know he may not see her again and to call her if he'd like. So Great Grandma Pierson (or "Gma Great" as the fam calls her) shuffled off this mortal coil near the end of June. She is an awesome person. All of you should look her up in the next life especially if you didn't get to know/meet her here. We often eat dessert first just to think of her and honor her memory! This is a shot of Robert going 85 on our way out of Houston and to Cali for the funeral.

And here is a shot of the back of the car. Everyone cozy and occupied with something for the 36 hour drive (yes, we drove straight through, with a short couple hours long sleep at a rest stop somewhere in there). Alma did really well, though he was sick of the car seat after this trip for sure. We got him out every time we stopped, even just for bathroom breaks, and that helped. Memories are made of this.

Can you guess what Alma and I did when we got to Gma and Gpa's in Cali?

Here we all are in our Sunday best for the funeral,

and here's Horatio being reverent, AFTER sticking his finger in his nose for our nice family shot above. *sigh*

Every year (for those of you who are not Chick-fil-A fans) Chick-fil-A does a national day where if you dress like a cow you get free food. An entire meal free(!) just for making a slight fool of yourself at a fast food place (we did it all the time as teenagers, making a fool of ourselves not getting free food... ok maybe it was just me). Cow Appreciation Day happened to be the last day of our drive back home, so we printed "costumes" at the last hotel we stayed at, used duct tape and whatever else we had, and got free food for all of us. Score!

Tricia, Rhaine, Zack, and Rhyon came over a bit this summer, too! We are so blessed to live near my 2 sisters. We always have fun with them (I think that's Jordan in the back).

Swimming at the Molen's again. Also I have no pictures of this, but the kids (Jane, Horatio, Isa, & Oliver) took swim lessons with the Paruszewski's across the street from us (for CHEAP), and Ginger and Rori did an AMAZING job with all of them. I have instilled in the kids a (un?)healthy fear of drowning and they had been reluctant to truly learn to swim (the irony!), but Ginger handled them perfectly and even Jane was putting her head in the water and swimming independently in only a week of lessons! I hope she does it again this summer.

I also made my first cheesecake sometime in July. Oh, yum. Alton's recipe, of course.

We did some henna this summer, of course.

Elisabeth-Jane turned 4! Crazy, I know. We had the obligatory Chuck E. Cheese celebration and had to get a shot of her on the carousel. She is a great part of our family.

The Ver Hoefs who live in Dallas (and we were too tired to detour to see on the way home from Cali) came to see us! It was a short visit on a Sunday, but we got to hang out a bit and eat dinner together! I can't remember what they call this type of picture but the kids all love it.

Mid-August Robert and I spent our first ever couple of nights away from the kids (except Alma, of course). The hotel stay was a gift from Michael & Ally. It had a beautiful view as you can see a bit of here. And Angel & Oliver were amazing babysitters!

Alma officially started crawling this summer. He did an army crawl forever, which none of our other sifties ever did, so it was fun to see him do it. He would push just with his toes while pulling himself with his arms. He's always been very strong.

Isa's best friend, Isabelle, got baptized in August. It was a special day and Isa was glad to be there. (btw, the girls are fairly close in age, but Isabelle is tall and has tall parents, while our Isa is definitely petite.)

Angel made it to the rank of First Class scout this summer. He has an amazing scoutmaster who has gotten the boys very far in a short time. Angel has been working hard, and we hope he will continue with it & learn to be an even better leader and exemplary young man than he already is. (btw, the streak in my hair is a feather Laura put in while we were in California)

Overall we chilled out a lot this summer. Now let's see if I can get in some more blogging on a consistent basis...

MAY I share a few pics?

2011-08-17T22:50:00.009-05:00

Swimming with my water baby. He likes it.

Gma Kristy, the human pacifier.

Oli playing big brother while waiting for Mom and Dad to stop talking after church...

Isa enjoying the pool this summer. We swam a lot more than we ever have this year.

He's just cute.

There's the cart seat!

Game night with the Bradleys and Brightons. It's become a tradition that is seldom kept up, but we all talk about. You know, "Hey, we should play games again." "Yeah, we should..."

Angel, Angel @ 1 year, and Alma (only 4 months old at this time) in the outfit Angel wore at 1 year old. Cuties.

Jane feeding her baby brother. Why is this such a fun thing to do, I do not know!

He's just so cute in the big fat recliner.

Sue. These 2 just look so good together.

Mau Mau and Alma trying to get both hands into his mouth, oh, sorry was that obvious?

I just love this shot of Jane holding Alma. If it looks like he's much too big for her to hold him, it's because he is, but he doesn't seem to mind.

When Pau Pau visits somebody's guitar must come out and be played. It's tradition!

This is Alma's official first bowl of cereal. Mau Mau was given the privilege of serving it.

He's a very strong boy.

All the family @ Alma's blessing day at church, the first weekend in May. Robert's parents came from Cali just for this, Robert's aunt came in from Baytown, and Michael & Ally drove from their place near downtown Houston. Friends that came but had to leave before we got pics were the Prestons and Haines. It was very beautiful to see all those handsome Priesthood holders up on the stand surrounding our little man to give him a name and a blessing.

H, Jane, and Alma at the car place to fix something...

Sitting up!

Making cards for the Holmstead cousins with Gma Kristy.

This is one of the last times Alma fit into his version onesie. He's version 1.3.2011 btw.

Ah, Horatio. What a name for a little man with so much to show the world.

When you've got pigtails, you have to twirl them in the mirror!

Two rattles! (this was the first time he really held onto them)

Loving on Mau Mau at Aunt Tricia's house the night of Zack's HS graduation!

in no particular order: April (the month) pics.

2011-08-13T21:33:00.006-05:00

Ah, classic. Sleeping sifties.

I didn't have my cart seat dug out of a closet somewhere yet, so I sat Alma on a blanket and sort of strapped him into the cart with my wrap. Jane enjoyed sitting with him.

Gotta get those kids reading shel silverstein early.

This one is just so darn cute, Alma sleeping with hand in mouth and Jane snuggled up next to him watching tv.

Gma and Gpa Lewis visited in March for Alma's blessing. As this was the end of the month, and the blessing was the first Sunday in May, you'll have to wait for that post for blessing pics. Sorry.

Two of my boys at the skating rink for Robert's bday, mid April (yes, my husband's birthday is in April; it's kismet).

Jane and Horatio loving on Alma while the older 3 sifties are in school.

A big brother is the best!

Alma taking his first official bath. This was the very beginning, before the stark nakedness (like how I spared you those pics?). Our water baby enjoyed it very much in the bath Charlotte and Jason passed on to us. (btw, LOOK at those legs, you'd say those are the thighs of a normal sized kid, right? Wait 'til you see him now!)

Mommy and Alma at the skating rink for Daddy's bday.

I'll do another post of May pics tomorrow, hopefully. I hate it when people do a bunch of posts on the same day, and I am too lazy to upload more pics and have to reorder them all right now!

2011-05-10T14:32:00.000-05:00

Um, March... in May

2011-05-06T13:23:00.009-05:00

January and February (a post without words)

2011-03-27T22:14:00.017-05:00

the days were accomplished that she should be delivered

2011-01-13T08:26:00.004-06:00

Alma Michael Lewis; born 2:38am, Jan 13, 2011; 8 lb. 7 oz., 21 in.

Isa saying Hi for the first time a few minutes after he was born. OOPS! That's actually Jane right after he was born, and that's Robert behind me (I was leaning on his knees in the tub).

EJ (who was there the WHOLE time waiting patiently for him to come out) finally holding him.

Isa happy to be done with the all-nighter...

Our first holding our latest. I love brothers.

I'll post pics of all the kids in their big brother/big sister shirts later. You can barely see Angel's in the above pic (he is version 1.0.1998).

Just Do It.

2010-12-13T12:29:00.004-06:00

I just read this fairly short blog post from a blog a good friend recommended to me, and it sums up this idea very well. GO read it, then come back.

I find it sad that so many of us women concede to medical authority so quickly and so often, especially when it comes to birthing our babies. I suppose since I have had more babies than the norm, I have had the experiences over the years that have given me sort of a time advantage. I NEVER would have given birth to my first baby at home and I probably would not have been interested in self hypnosis or cloth diapering. In fact I recall clearly telling Robert years ago that I could not imagine giving birth at home. Can you imagine having to do the clean up?! And, hey, I enjoy the idea of the nurses being room service and baby care both, while I rest in anticipation of bringing our bundle of joy home.

Well, the years have flown by, and my perspective has changed a bit.

It doesn't seem to me that it has changed THAT much, but I would say that in general I have gone with the medical model of birth more than anything else. All my births have been natural (no drugs), vaginally delivered, and totally healthy. We did have an elective induction done with Angel, but that was about the most intervention-y we've gotten. The stupid internal monitor was the WORST, given that it made me have to be in bed the entire labor (which admittedly was "short"), and laying in bed while laboring to bring your baby into this world is tedious and makes the time go so much sloooooooooower.

As I am in a retrospective mood waiting for this little man to make an appearance, let's see what I remember about my previous births and maybe I can analyze where I made changes and learned what I have. I have birthed 6 babies, so far. All healthy, all full term, 5 of which with my husband. I am proud to be known to the medical community as a Grand Multiparas, and even prouder of the fact that I did it. I mean, even if it was only one, there is something so supremely satisfying about knowing that Heavenly Father entrusted me to carry these babies for 9 months-ish, then actually help them get out of an area barely big enough for them anymore, without dying, going crazy, or severely damaging my body. Seriously, it seems like a pretty weird thing to do when you think about what really goes on during gestation and birth.

But I digress.

#1 baby. I saw an OB, who I guess my mom picked. I went into labor starting with an obvious mucous plug loss as the starting signal, in the wee hours of the morn on my due date. I knew the exact date of conception, so it was interesting to note that I had indeed gestated for the exact period of time estimated by doctors. Labor was uneventful. I remember being hot and laying on the floor with my head against the cold tiles to feel cooler. I recall something about a "muscle relaxer" being given to me (so that's the one instance where my sans drugs claim may be false). I remember that I felt it in my thighs, it was very painful and I couldn't relax at all. One of my sisters was to be my birth partner, went through all the classes with me, and then wasn't quite able to handle it, so she left and my mom stayed. I remember her rubbing my legs. I walked a lot in the halls. When it came time to push, it took less than half an hour I am sure, but I don't really know. I was a little more preoccupied with the emotional battle going on around me with both grandmothers wanting to be there for the birth. Let's say simply that they don't get along. I had a pretty long episiotomy, but didn't really feel as if I was in charge of any decisions in terms of the pregnancy and birth process. I didn't really learn much with that pregnancy except pure experience. If you had asked me then, I would tell you that birth is extremely painful, but overall not too long either. Pretty sure it was about 8 hours long. Baby was perfect, still is from what I know (at least in my eyes, who only see him from a distance).

#2 Robert & I are expecting our first, the one that will change us forever from a couple to a family. We were seeing an OB, who is nice, laid back, and doesn't worry about the fact that I only gained a gross total of 1 pound. Being a good 40 pounds overweight, I wasn't worried either. About 10 days before his due date, we went in for an elective induction. Again, we were pretty uninformed. I had no idea of any risks possibly associated with an induction. All we knew was that we were already at 3 cm. I had no idea what a Bishop's score was. I simply assumed that at 3cm, my body was pretty ready, and we wanted our baby out and in our arms. We went to the hospital, let them hook me up to the monitor, hook a cathode onto the baby's head (effectively restricting my movement to whatever I could do while laying down on my back in bed), and administer Pitocin (and probably IV fluids, too). Labor was shorter than my first (about 6 hours), though felt interminable being stuck in bed, painful, and pushing was pretty quick again. If I remember correctly, we did not have another episiotomy, but did tear enough for like one stitch, no biggie. He was 6 lbs 3 oz, and perfect. We stayed in the hospital for 2 days, letting the nurses take the baby to the nursery as often as they deemed necessary and allowed the staff to tell us what to do, from feeding schedules to drugs administered to changing the baby's diaper to fundal massage (UGH!). Oh, and the OB came in to catch the baby, he was never there for the labor process at all. In fact, the nurses were pretty much not there either, coming in only to fix monitors or help me go to the bathroom when needed.

#3 We decided, since the OB was not there during the whole birth and I wasn't wild about dealing with another male for something so womanly, we'd find a Midwife this time. In Utah, you pretty much get a CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife; who is an RN, trained in midwifery and certified by the American College of Nurse Midwives), as we wanted to deliver in the hospital still, and only CNMs have hospital privileges They also have to be "under" an OB to practice where we lived. We chose a fairly large practice of CNMs who deliver at the same hospital we delivered our first at. It was a great hospital. The only problem this time was that the practice had about 7 CNMs, meaning we saw a different one every time we had an appointment. This was disconcerting, to say the least. But overall, the prenatal care was fine, though being MWs they did really try to get me to gain the normal 15-20 pounds , which I was resistant to, but wasn't trying hard either way of course. We took the Hospital labor and delivery class again (we took a class with all of our pregnancies, to refresh ourselves on the process and prepare ourselves for each one), which didn't really give us tools to use except the vague shallow breathing techniques they teach, and the basics on the physiology of the birth. A couple of days after the baby's due date we let the MW sweep my membranes, and we were ready to head to the hospital within short amount of time. I don't remember how long exactly, but it was within a day or 2. We ended up with a MW we did not know at the birth, of course, the ONE we had yet to meet. But she turned out to be WONDERFUL. She was THERE! She stayed with me for the whole labor, helped me get into the tub, and when it came time to push encouraged me to NOT lay flat on my back, but on my side while she supported the upper leg. Pushing was short again and labor overall was shorter than the last. He was 7 lbs 15 oz, possibly would have been over 8 if he hadn't decided to christen the nurses as he came out. I figured by now that by the time I had a few more babies, they'd just pop out after less than an hour! Again, we took advantage of the 2 nights stay insurance would pay for, and let the nurses and hospital policy dictate what we did, though, as with all of our births, Robert stayed every night with me at the hospital.

#4 We decided to find a smaller practice this time, hoping for a little more personal treatment, even though our MW was amazing. We were slightly disappointed to find that the practice we chose delivered at a different hospital (I hate the unknown more than anything!), but went with them anyway. There were 3 of them, and we met them all. We felt a bit more prepared, but still felt like novices. And pregnancy brain always made me defer to Robert when answering or asking questions, as I can never seem to remember the details of the pregnancies for some reason. Strangely enough this one I remember the least about the pregnancy, though I remember right after she was born as clearly as if it was today. We finally had our first girl, a little princess (and, BOY, has she turned out to be so!), and holding her that day and looking into her eyes, it felt like our family had finally truly begun to blossom. She was only 6 lbs 1 oz but perfectly healthy (I guess we just make 'em small), and a smiler from day one. As far as I recall, we once again had an uneventful, fast birth, with a short pushing stage, but I still felt everything very painfully. And though I had done 4 natural births so far, I could not (and today, still cannot) explain why I adamantly refuse to have any drugs to birth my babies. Oh, there are plenty of risks to discuss: epidurals that don't work fully, epidural headaches for years afterwards, pushing for HOURS b/c the epidural DOES work, effects on the baby due to whatever cocktail of drugs they are using currently, Pitocin problems, like a ruptured uterus, etc. But truly, all of those things I've learned about over the years (and more, scarily enough!). I suppose it's always been an innate knowledge that I could do it. Heavenly Father made me, expressly to do this. I'm a woman, I'm strong, I'm pretty brave, and I want my babies to know I did it for them. It's not a scary thing, even when it is painful (I mean really painful, when you don't know how to prepare!). I guess that's the best explanation I can come up with.

#5 Another boy is on the way, and we decided on the same CNM practice as before. The hospital has proven itself to be a good one, and they haven't done anything to me that I would consider bad. In fact we always had good nurses and a nice room and provisions made for Robert to stay with us. I have a friend who I met in my water aerobics class before Isa was born who I found out some interesting things about. She gave birth at home and used Hypnobirthing techniques to make her labor easier. Pfft, I said, not gonna happen. I stink at relaxing, have already proven at a "hypnotist show" at Robert's work that I cannot be "hypnotized", and still imagine giving birth at home to be more work that it's worth. Besides, I like the idea of going to the Hospital Hotel and being waited on for a couple of days. It was the beginning of the end for me. I am constantly amazed at how Heavenly Father knows me. He knows how resistant I am to change, so He puts little hints in my path for a while (sometimes years), until I am curious, find out more on my own and eventually change my mind set. And so it had begun. Close to the end of this pregnancy, I heard somewhere about the Mongan method of Hypnobirthing. I was intrigued by claims that I could have a pain-free birth! Right! If that were true why doesn't everyone do it? What a crazy claim to make.

But...

My births were really, excruciatingly, amazingly, unimaginably painful. I would clutch the sides of the bed until my hands were white. I have never been a screamer (it only makes it hurt worse), but man, it hurt, and I have a high pain tolerance. Maybe, just maybe, it could help a little. I'm not expecting pain-free, but if I could just get it to ease up a bit... And, believe you me, it could NOT possibly get any worse. So, Robert and I were browsing the bookstore one day and I wandered purposefully over to the baby section and found Marie Mongan's book, "Hypnobirthing." And it clicked. It made actual, logical sense. For the first time in my life I learned about the muscles in my uterus. Did you know you have 2 sets of perpendicular muscles that make up the uterus? (If you are female of course) And that they work together, but each has a separate job to do? One pulls one way and the other pulls the other way, when it's time to get baby to come down, the muscles stretch alternately and help to open the cervix and get the birth canal ready while baby does his/her thing to get where they need to be. I don't explain it well, but I finally got it. I was in so much pain, b/c I would tense up! Think of your arm muscles, biceps and triceps, one helps to straighten your arm, the other to bend it, but in order to do either the opposite muscle must relax. Imagine trying to bend your arm while flexing your triceps. I can personally imagine this because I broke my arm and dislocated my elbow after Isa was born (she was about 7 months old, I think), and after the cast came off, I needed physical therapy b/c my muscles were so tight I could not bend my arm more than a couple of inches. Any more and it was extremely painful. In order to even start my exercises each visit to the therapist, I had to soak my arm for 20 minutes in warm water to loosen the muscles as much as I could. So the theory made sense, and I bought the book with high hopes, it came with a cd after all!

I was disappointed. The cd was just the background music, and I was supposed to do the scripts while relaxing, but how do you do that when you need to close your eyes and let all your muscles relax but hold a book at the same time and read a relaxation script to yourself...? I was disillusioned and wanted badly to be able to take a live class, but as we were still starving students, it was not an option. So we laid it aside, figuring I'd done it before and could do it again without Hypnobirthing. Then we got our (my) hopes up again when we found out one of the midwives actually did a class, at a steep discount to her patients, and we planned on taking it when it was later in the pregnancy. Unfortunately, that particular MW also had cancer and stopped giving classes with the last class before we were far enough along to take it. So we had another very fast (I didn't even have time to get into the tub by the time it was filled b/c it was time to push so soon), intense, and (I'm not afraid to say it) extremely painful birth. It's always worth it, but I wish I would have known then what I do now. Famous last words, right? H popped out quickly at 8 lbs 11 oz, proving that I could do it no matter what the size, right?

#6 I am officially a Grand Multiparas, and feel pretty confident in my birthing ability. I feel like I know more about the process and understand my body a bit more. Robert is really close to finally finishing his BS in Computer Engineering, and he got a job offered to him that was a dream to poor students such as ourselves, allows us to pay our bills and have money leftover(!) for like the first time in our married lives, and has amazing medical benefits. All this means we can possibly take a Hypnobirthing class and pay the pretty high price (when compared to the hospital classes, which were always like 20$ or something close to that). In retrospect, it makes sense that the hospital classes are so cheap, considering the amount you actually learn... We found a class on Hypnobirthing, but it was in SLC and we were not wanting to drive all the way there for the entire 7 weeks or so class, b/c it also meant finding a babysitter for the class time (minimum 2 hours), plus drive time (another 2 hours). That's a heavy commitment to ask anyone when most of our friends are in college, too. Then we found a class on Hypnobabies, and were not heartened at first, though it was very close to us (only about 15 minutes away), b/c it seemed to be a totally different method and I was so impressed with the Mongan ideas. I did some research and quickly found that Hpnobabies was considered by anyone who had done both to be the superior method and had much more "tools" and tracks to use, so I was hopeful. We went to the instructor's house (where she holds class), paid for the class, and got a cd to start listening to. It was awesome. Robert was politely interested, but stoically hopeful along the way. Being a lifelong insomniac who only gets worse at sleeping and falling back to sleep when pregnant, just the 2 tracks I had were a dream come true. It was so nice to be able to relax and get some sleep! The class was a lot of birthing info we already knew, as well as a lot of discussion on things done in the "medical model" of birthing, but we also practiced letting the birth partners or the instructor help us to enter a state of self hypnosis (read: deeeeeep relaxation). Let me explain it this way for those of you thinking of someone up on stage at a show clucking like a chicken. Have you ever been hypnotized? The answer I'll wager you give is no, however I daresay the truth is yes. Ever been driving home, letting your thoughts wander, then find you have gotten most if not all the way home with your body driving automatically? You look up and think, how did I get here and can't really remember the drive... Or you're reading a book and it takes someone multiple times calling your name for you to even register that you are hearing them. Both forms of self-hypnosis: sort of hyper focusing and relaxation rolled into one. Now I have NEVER been someone who can relax easily. You know how you've done that exercise wherein you lay down on your back, kind of spread-eagled and someone talks you through tensing and releasing each muscle in your body one at a time and it feels so nice when you come to the end. I suck at that. But as we did the scripts together at home and I listened to the cds (altogether it came to like 8 I think), my mindset was changing and I finally trained myself to be able to relax at will!

Now, don't start thinking that I only was able to do this b/c I had the experience of my other births or b/c I have a high pain tolerance or something. Many of the women I've heard from do this with their first birth, and many women do it without the benefit of specific training such as a class like we did. Really, there are women the world over who give birth pain-free naturally for some reason. Pretty sure it's the fear-tension-pain cycle. Look that one up. Fascinating stuff. It's also about the perceptions and preconceptions you have been raised with. Can you imagine being scared of going to Disneyland? Not usually if you live in the USA, b/c our society has generally ingrained us to believe that a giant friendly mouse will make all your dreams come true. Now can you imagine being excited to give birth, not the baby holding part and how cool that is, no, I mean the actual laboring and pushing baby out of a 10cm hole in your body part? Probably not, since everyone you know has spent your whole life telling you how painful and scary and bloody and even gross it is. And, hey, that's how it is on TV and in movies, so that must be true, right? (I'm rolling my eyes right now.) Point being, it was a LOT of work and practice for me to get to this point, not to mention a 300$ class, but worth every penny (especially if you ever looked at that bill for the epidural...)

Fast forward to the beginning of July 2007, I go into labor in the afternoon, Robert comes home quickly since it seems these contractions/pressure waves are only about 2 minutes apart. We get to the hospital with minutes to spare, the nurse finally checks me- after ignoring Robert telling her that I birth very quickly and am practicing Hypnobabies (you can just picture the poor nurse rolling HER eyes, right?)- to find I am at 9 cm, and EJ is born about 15 minutes later, the midwife having made it for the last 11 minutes. Oh, and it was completely pain free. Did I mention that I felt NO pain? 'Cause I didn't, seriously, none. Did I say it was easy? I did NOT say that at all; it took all my powers of concentration to focus my brain on the fact that what I felt was pressure and power coursing through my body. I almost lost it right before Robert came home, then he reminded my to put on my headphones so I could listen to my Hypnobabies tracks, and I was able to focus. Overall it was indescribable. The closest thing I can imagine is being transfigured to see a true Heavenly vision, there is no way to describe on Earth how powerful and transcendent that feeling is. I think many of the women in "Spiritual Midwifery" explain it best, seeing as they were all "Hippies." They tended to call it psychedelic and far out and use phrases with light and power in them.

and here we are at

#7 We've hit the official full term, assuming we go by the actual first day of my last period, which admittedly started slowly (and would put the due date at Jan 1st), so I have been dating the birth since a few days after my period started, putting us at Jan 4th. I have been having lots of practice waves, tightening of the uterus. Some of these have simply been this little man stretching out, b/c he is obviously NOT comfortable in there anymore, but a lot of them I have to stop and concentrate on. Now they say Braxton Hicks (or practice contractions) are painless and tight, and "real contractions" are painful and emanate from the back. Ha, this is funny, considering mine are not painful and they do emanate from the back sometimes... hmmm. And going with the Jan 1st due date, we are where I was when EJ was born. Considering all the practice I'm getting, I am surprised we haven't seen more action, but he'll know when the time is right. And I do still have a million things to do before Christmas, even though I am pretty antsy and wish he were here now (or at least when Robert gets home...). Having been nesting we have all of our birth supplies ready and I am reasonably confident he would be fine no matter what at this point, so I am ready, sort of. Well, I'll let you know.

So here's my evolution. Natural, vaginal births, all. One induction, no problem, but will never do that again, especially as we'll never go with a doctor again (knock on wood, assuming we never have a high risk pregnancy) and a CNM would never induce unless you were more than 2 weeks over your due date and we've never gone that far with any of ours. I am disillusioned by basic medical procedures with no point &/or real reasoning except doctor/hospital liability, including but not limited to: internal fetal monitoring, constant external fetal monitoring (which has actually been shown to increase your chances of a c-section with no better outcomes than not having the constant monitoring), stupid IVs simply b/c you walked into the hospital (just in case, they say), pitocin during and after the birth, insisting that your baby is too big to birth naturally or vaginally (they told us Isa was 7 1/2 pounds by ultrasound a couple of days before she was born and she was 6 lbs 1 oz., just ask the ultrasound tech what their margin of error is; also women have birthed 12 lb+ babies), fundal massage, circumcision, cutting the cord before it stops pulsing, pushing baby out on the bed in the doctor preferred (basically uphill!) position (do you have any idea how much easier mommas would be able to get the baby out if they could just squat or get on all fours or do any other myriad positions that their body is urging them to do?), hospital birth for a mom who is low-risk (it's only been like 60 years since hospital births started being popular and our c-section and maternal/infant mortality rates have not gone down in a long time), taking the baby away after birth (the only person who should have that baby, best case scenario of course, if the person who caught it-hopefully daddy!- who should then hand it to momma, duh), being stuck in bed, non-emergency c-sections, elective inductions (especially when momma has no idea what a Bishop's score is, much less what hers is!), and in general any thing momma does not understand, and anyone who acts as if momma could not possibly understand. Yes, I get that in unusual circumstances or emergencies there may not be time to explain everything to a layman, especially a laboring mom, but true emergencies are few and far between. Ever seen one of those birth story shows, where the doctor insists you need to be induced or have a c-section today, then they make the couple wait hours or schedule it for the next day even? How is that an emergency when it can wait?! And women are amazing, no matter what your background and schooling, women have an innate ability to understand their bodies and do what needs to be done, sometimes it just takes another woman letting them know they can do it.

Please note, none of the above actual procedures are bad in and of themselves, on the contrary they are life-saving in the cases that need them and are perfectly acceptable and a great blessing then, but doctors and hospitals seem to be leaning towards making sure they have less liability and moms and babies are simply alive. Mom and baby being alive is of course the point of the whole thing, but too many people are discounting the importance of the experience as a whole. What good is a living baby with a mom who is emotionally scarred for the rest of her life by an unnecessary c-section or other procedure, when she finds out later it was uneeded and she feels like a birthing failure? Or how is it a "good outcome" when they schedule a mom for an induction early due to the idea that baby may be big or just for scheduling purposes only to discover baby is too small to be born and must remain in the hospital long after mom is discharged and has lasting developmental problems? And what about the mom who is fine, and baby is fine, then she finds out later that her birth could have been magical, spiritual, even transcendent? I'd feel cheated. In fact, I do. I am mad at America in general for perpetuating this idea that birth must be painful, b/c I finally figured out that it doesn't have to be, and I am mad at America for teaching other women that so that they sneer when I try to explain what I've learned like I'm trying to be arrogant or judgmental or whatever they are thinking. Can't we just share our different birth experiences and learn from each other, taking what will help us both in our different situations? I guess I'm also mad at other moms who seem to be just flying by the seat of their pants and letting everyone else tell them what to do and how to do it, even though I KNOW that was me with my first couple of births. I guess for me I just felt like I was going to the sources I should (doctors and other moms, right?), but wasn't getting any new info each time, so I must have known what I needed to know. I hate feeling ignorant, especially when I feel like I should have/could have done more. Well, I refuse to do it anymore. I'm not going to trust every source on the internet, but neither will I trust everything that comes out of a doctor or nurse's mouth unless I have a real understanding of it and they have some sort of published information to give me besides vague "this will happen" or "you should do this." And I will read more non-fiction and learn for myself more of what I think I already know.

Whew, that was a lot, with no pictures, sorry. And I didn't explain many things very well, so please ask me more questions if you have them or I was unclear. Now I am tired of writing, and need to visit with my 1st grader who got home just a bit ago and help my 5th grader finish his school today. Hopefully my next post will be pictures of the latest addition to our family and not me ranting about how he is still closeted in my uterus...

November Birthdays

2010-11-22T17:22:00.009-06:00

As usual we had 2 birthdays this Month: Isa's 7th and Oliver's 11th (though, technically, Oliver is not yet 11; as his bday always falls a few days after Thanksgiving, we opted to do his party early this year). Here are the cakes I attempted this year. For Isa's party I had the brilliant idea to do a Pajama Party, a pretend sleepover. She has been talking sleepovers for a couple of years now, and as she is still too young to attempt a real one, and she asked if we could do something besides her traditional "Tea Party", I decided to try the best of both worlds. We made invites on the computer as usual, and Isa helped me put stickers on and write the girls' names on each envelope. I found some cute ideas for invites, made up a simple "poem" to go on the back, and made do with what we had. Here are the invites.

For the cake I wanted to do a bed with some girls on or in it. I found a cute idea with a girl on her tummy, but it meant doing chocolate molding, which I was not ready to try, nor pay for store bought sculpting chocolate. Then I found a cute pic using what looked like twinkies as girls, tucked into the bed, so I went with that idea. I wanted it to look like Isa's actual bed, so I took a pic of it, and drew a template on parchment paper to create chocolate head and foot boards. I piped the head and foot boards, then put them in the fridge while I worked on the rest of the cake.

Here I am above starting the outline for the headboard. Of course, I had to let my future chocolatiers help use up the rest of the melted chocolate. Below we have Isa working hard to fill in the hearts I outlined with pencil on the back of parchment paper while Jane waits patiently for her turn.

And I just love how EJ is concentrating so hard on her shapes.

My fondant was way too dry and kept cracking, but it tasted great and looked pretty good. I don't make the fondant often enough to have it down yet, but it's getting better. Moving from ultra dry desert climate to ultra humid climate less than 3 years ago threw off my fondant groove.
I do like the way it looked in the end, and I had extra fondant, so I made some simple shapes of things that represent what we did at our party (or any sleepover really), painted them, and stuck them on. I used paste food colors diluted with a few drops of water as "paint", and made bunny slippers, pizza, fingernail polish, popcorn, and a TV. Strangely enough, they were what the girls all asked for once the cake was cut. Funny. Oh, the cake girls had mini cupcakes for heads, icing hair, and extra cake scraps from the leveling for bodies under the covers. I made the cake itself in square pans, and ended up doing 3 layers to get a good height, since an 8X8 square bakes pretty thin.

I was up until 3, finishing Isa's cake, b/c I didn't plan well how to do what I had sketched out, and spent a lot of time ruminating. I work on the kids' cakes at night once they are in bed, so it is a surprise when they see it. They pick the theme and even some key elements, then I run with it and hope they like it. Oliver wanted a Kirby theme with a chocolate chip cookie base. This turned out well for me, b/c I wanted to do a 3D Kirby, which meant learning to carve a sphere cake, then cover it with fondant. Not as easy as it looks, believe you me, and this allowed me to do it on a smaller scale.

I used a couple of metal bowls to bake the cake, then stacked it, iced it, and (stupidly!) attempted to carve it without putting it in the fridge to harden up. I lost a lot of cake that way, as it crumbled off while I was carving it. The shape is NOT great, but it came out OK, since Kirby is sitting, and his round shape changes when he sits. Can you tell I over analyze these things? I also spent a looooong time trying to figure out what to do the hands and feet with. I made mini cupcakes with the leftover batter from both cakes, and those were very useful. For the feet, I just used 2 small cupcakes, with trimmed sides to create an oval for each foot, then covered them with fondant and stuck them on with icing. For the hands/arms I had to support them with toothpicks (3 per arm) and icing to get them to stay. Ideally I would have done rice crispy treats for those parts, as professionals would b/c it is stiffer and easy to mold how you want it, but I had no rice crispies in my house! The facial features are simply fondant rolled and painted as I did in Isa's cake for the side elements. It was not a huge success in my eyes, but when EJ saw it, she said, "It's Kirby!" So I'm defining success as the 3 year old recognizing the character. And Oli's cake only took me until 1am, after we had guests over that night until at least 8:30 for my practice turkey. Next cake or so, I'll be working on more 3D fondant covered elements.

And now, we need to figure out dinner, so I am getting out of here. Let me know if you have any questions about the cakes or party. I didn't even tell you what we did at Isa's party. It was a lot of crazy fun. And tell me about how YOU make your kids'/spouses/whoever's birthdays special!

FINALLY

2010-10-07T14:59:00.006-05:00

I bought some cool socks at the dollar store a looooong time ago when I found a tutorial on babylegs online and some friends in my ward were talking about them (making babylegs), too. Today, I finally got them out and made them! Since my baby is supposed to be a boy, I'm giving away the flowered one (even though I adore that pair!) to a friend who has a little girl. You can see I was experimenting with the length as the socks were all the same size to start with. We'll see how the different lengths work, and how long this baby will be. These were so stinking easy to make, I whipped out all 3 pairs in under half an hour, and I stalled myself a couple of times by over-analyzing whether or not I could/should use the serger for them.

And here's a random pic of Eliza-Jane with pigtails. She has just enough hair to make 2 cute pigtails, which she doesn't allow me to do often b/c her hair is so dang fine it pulls and hurts her if I am not ultra careful. Funny story: the girls have been spending time on Thursday afternoons at Sister Martin's home while Angel goes to a theatre class (I was surmising I'd go and help sometimes, but that's another story). They adore Sis. Martin, and she loves having them. A couple of visits ago, she put both girls hair into ponytails, and she must have told EJ that hers were "pigtails", b/c the girls argued for days over whether or not Jane's hair was in pigtails or ponytails! Jane insisted that they were only to be called pigtails, while the ever logical Isa tried to explain that they were ponytails, too, but to no avail. I love her hair up. She tends to look not quite girl/not sure if she's a boy most days b/c of her mish-mash of hand me down clothes. With "pretty pretties" (barrettes) and pigtails she is definitely a girl.

On another unrelated note (my blog, my stream of consciousness...), I have pretty much finished our Halloween costumes for probably the first time EVER (usually someone goes without a "real" costume, always Robert or I or both)! I just need to get a few accessories (I love details in costumes), and buy Horatio's sweater for his costume and we are a fully-costumed family a full 2 weeks before our party and 3 weeks before Halloween!!! I feel like when I do my taxes in January and get my tax return in February, then I get to watch everyone else moan and groan about it whilst I spend my money (mhwuu hahaha). Seriously, it's just nice to have it done. Now I can focus on baby readiness: sorting, cleaning, etc that doesn't get done during the day with so much schooling.
Last thing, I promise. We are going to try cloth diapering again with this baby. I say try b/c we didn't do a great job last time. We had enough and planned well, but it was just too much laundry (they say you don't really add to your laundry load, but, people (!), I already do 3 loads a day just to keep up in this house, and cloth diapers have to be put through minimum 2 washes). Well, we have the same washer (takes a full stinkin' 45 minutes to wash a load), but we are going to try the non-pocket diapers, so we have less to wash (just the liners), and we'll use disposables when convenient. I really want to lessen what we put into landfills, but we'll have to see if this is feasible for us. I hope so. I like the idea. Here are the 2 types of diapers I ordered (which are technically diaper covers, sort of. The jargon on these new-fangled cloth diapers is fascinatingly confusing at first.). They're called Flip and Econobum diapers.

And now I have a snuggly Jane on my lap, so I'll see you later, bloggy ones. I'm off to do more important living.

Perhaps a Post

2010-09-29T08:11:00.009-05:00

I have been very neglectful of you, bloggy friends, and I apologize. My only excuse is pregnancy and fall. You see, every year starting with the end of August our year revs up, goes from summer to 60 in less than 24 hours it seems and doesn't stop accelerating until well into Spring, around Robert's bday (in April, interestingly enough). Let's see if I can catch you up a little without losing too much time wherein I should be reading my scriptures and snuggling with the younger sifties who I tend to neglect slightly while I'm homeschooling the boys.Pregnancy seems to be going well. I am frustrated that I am still on pins and needles about this baby. We had an ultrasound at about 22 weeks, and discovered it's a boy. Pics were fuzzy, but I'm trusting that info about 98%, so we are pretty sure what his name is, but I'm not telling yet. Sorry. Sometimes we have to meet them to make sure we know their name. I firmly believe all of our children already have names before they were created on Earth, so I like to get it right! I enjoy every movement (though I'm annoyed with the amazing reflux already, and wondering how the heck I'm going to deal with it when this little boy is 6 times as big as he is now!), but each movement scares me, too. I worry that the cord is long, and each roll, twist, or kick might put a kink or knot in the cord. Inevitably I get to a point every day that I wonder if it's been a while since I felt him, then he pushes out and lets me know he's still here. Then I wonder if I will ever again have that blissful, no worries pregnancy that I used to enjoy and didn't know I was lucky enough to have. Why is it when you lose something, instead of realizing the odds are against it again you dwell on the idea that it CAN happen to someone and why not me again? I know a late pregnancy loss is not the same as a miscarriage and they are not related statistically or genetically, but it still feels like any day this baby may not make it into my arms, despite all signs saying he is alive and well. And holding this all in in order to bolster my family and not stress out my eczema covered husband any more than he already is is tiring to say the least. Whew, new subject.

The boys started K12 this year. Basically it's online, public homeschooling. The standards are a bit higher than your basic public school, but the rules (i.e. attendance, subjects, testing for Texas) are about the same. It has given me a level of accountability that I need. I have never been very disciplined when it comes to any sort of independent study situations, so this has been great. It was a slow start, b/c the first week was a lot of training videos/slide shows which the boys got bored with very quickly and kept asking me when we were getting to real school, but once the lessons started coming they didn't slow down. We are doing about 6-8 hours per boy every day, not counting lunch time. They are learning a lot and it's nice to see them absorb things. I get frustrated when I don't know what the heck the lessons are talking about or when the boys don't grasp my obviously perfect explanations, but those times are farther and farther apart as we get better at the program and schedule.

Isabelle is loving the local public school, riding the bus, and being probably one of the most popular girls in her first grade class. She's brought home "happy notes" from 3 different teachers commending her on her behavior and helpfulness. She loves her teachers, classes, friends, and even riding the bus. She hates buying school lunch, which means I get to fix her lunch every day at the crack of dawn, but I know she loves it so I don't mind except when I am tired, like the last couple of days when a cold has knocked me over. Isa's main teacher, Mrs. Shaw is a slightly older lady who's been teaching for at least a decade and has grown kids. She is perfect for Isa, disciplining but kind, firm but loving with the kids, and she likes when I come to the class for Mother reader time. I love this age when all of the kids think having a Mom do stuff at school is still cool, and it only gives Isa more credibility with her friends (read: popularity!).

Horatio and Jane are feeling a bit neglected and I need to sit down and create a shelf and a list of activities they can do slightly independently that I can help with or leave them to. I don't mind them watching Nick shows b/c they are learning a lot (numbers, colors, shapes, counting, Spanish), but I don't let them watch too much on most days. On a good day I spend my time waiting for the boys to get up snuggling on the couch with them which helps them for the rest of the day (though this means not getting my chores done). We've done puzzles, games, sensory activities (flour, sugar, cornstarch, water, paint, etc in cookie sheets), manipulatives (play coins or shapes for sorting/counting), painting/drawing... Honestly I just need to spend some time and find a good preschool website and do some printouts/copies for more writing exercises. Horatio can write the first few letters of his name and his fine motor skills are great! Jane is learning a few letters and numbers and I'm afraid she's not too far behind Horatio though he's much older. My hands will be even fuller next year and of course I wouldn't have it any other way.

Robert is still having eczema troubles, but it is much better on his arms. It's being very stubborn on his neck, but it can't be helped until his stress level goes down, which I'm afraid is not going to happen until after this baby comes, as my mood swings do not help his stress. With the business of school a lot of the house gets neglected; it's not a pigsty and we get it cleaned up most days, but the long term stuff like laundry and dishes do pile up easily then we play catch up on the weekend, or not, which causes stress during the week. Having such a ridiculous commute and sucky health insurance (read: pretty much everything out of pocket) are some stressors that we can't do anything about right now. Add to all that one car instead of 2, no time/transportation to do errands during the day and general crappy moody wife and you have one stressed out hubby. We are doing what we can: prayers, scriptures, church, dates (more often than we used to, but not often enough), and are simply waiting for this storm to pass. It will, but it's like losing power during a hurricane. It's very frustrating to have to watch all your food thaw and spoil and know you can't do a thing about it except wait for the power to come back, and eat way too much meat.

As for me, I'm getting up way too early for anyone to be up, about quarter to 7 most days to get Isa to the bus by 7:45. Then I try to get a few things done like feed myself and read scripts/prepare my Primary lesson then make sure the boys are up for school. We get started most days by 9 or so, go until around noon, having lunch and a break for about an hour total, then work until dinner time. I tried waking them when I get back about 8ish, but that only makes Oliver more sluggish in his first lesson which is counterproductive. Angel needs minimal help with his lessons, but Oliver needs adult guidance on 80% of his lessons and the rest I have to double check for him, as his mind wanders and he gets punchy at times. If I don't check I'll find crazy answers later, having to do with monsters or some silly such, and I have to send in work samples to his teacher regularly... On a good day, we get done before dinner time and I am able to cook. On a bad day we are grateful for fast food, frozen food, and a daddy who can at least cook spaghetti or hamburger helper. We haven't gone past 7 in a while, so we are doing great. At 7:30 every night my phone alarm goes off telling us that it is time for scriptures and prayers.

We study scriptures for about half an hour depending on our time until 8 (if we finish dinner late or something). Some days we work on memorizing Articles of Faith or some other scripture verses, some days we play the "Articles of faith game" (as we've come to call it) where we sit in a circle of some sort and each person says one word until we've gone through all 13 (We have to pay attention for this one and everyone enjoys it), and some days we read from where we are in the scriptures and talk as we read. Currently we are in 2 Nephi 23, one of the Isaiah chapters. I have been pleasantly surprised that I am understanding and can explain a lot of the symbolism and background for these chapters b/c of my study of the Old Testament for Primary this year. I may not be teaching my Primary kids a lot, but I have learned a TON this year.

Speaking of, I have been teaching the 8/9 year old kids in Primary. I mentioned we are doing the Old Testament, and it is challenging to put it mildly. I love all the kids, but we have a few talkers and at least one silly-head who seems to only find engagement when being disruptive. Disciplining in church is tricky, as any of you who have been in Primary, Nursery, or YW/YM can attest to. Each age has to be understood and you have to know what they can be expected to do and act like before you can even think about how to teach and deal with behavior. My 11 year olds were a dream, b/c I knew I could make them be accountable just by telling them so and bringing treats often! Most of my 8 year olds don't quite get personal accountability yet, so they don't really get being good for the rest of the class as well as themselves. And my only disciplinary tool is to take them out of class which is what some of them want. Not very helpful to make the point. I need to go through the Primary training videos for the umpteenth time and figure out what to do. Of course, the saddest thing is I have a few great students (behavior wise of course, since they really are ALL great kids) who truly are quiet and respectful and I wish I could focus on. Ah the woes of teaching any age, right?

To follow up on my busy fall-starting-schedule let me tell you how our lives go from here on out in case I don't get on here for a while, then you'll know what we're up to. I have been working on Halloween costumes since September 1st. With 7 people to make for (my pride and creative juices won't let me buy costumes: crappily made, shoddy fabric, ugly colors, etc) I have made the deadline Sept 1st each year, after which you are stuck with what you told me you are being. We've got 2 Quidditch captains this year (Harry Potter and Oliver Wood), a pop star (Isa), Pikachu (H), a ladybug (Jane), Dr. Facilier/Shadowman from the Frog Princess (Robert), and I'm going as a pregnant skeleton. In addition to sewing costumes, I have been getting plans underway for the annual Lewis family Halloween bash. Invitations are late in going out as usual (I aim for a full month so people have the time to rearrange schedules), but they are almost done (are you brimming with the anticipation of yours yet?). Conference pops up around this time, too which means planning the week well with activities and getting errands done early b/c the weekend is not usable for anything but spiritual feasting. Once invitations are made (yep, I make those, too) then comes the logistical nightmare of getting them out to people and trying to finish costumes in time as well as plan the food, games, etc. for the partay. After that it's the Ward Halloween bash, which should be pretty big this year since Halloween is on a Sunday hence most people will not be going trick-or-treating. Then actual trick-or-treating which a good friend has planned for Saturday this year.

For November we get to the planning for Isa's annual tea party birthday which I should have invites out for before Halloween (one month rule, remember?), then my practice turkey for Thanksgiving 2 weeks prior to the holiday, then the actual tea party, then Thanksgiving. Also figuring out how to get Oliver's bday planned in there somewhere (it's the week after Thanksgiving) and throwing his party. And somewhere in there I suppose I should start planning for Christmas, you think? December is all about the Savior's birth celebration and of course the gifts that go with it. Then we get to have a baby, hopefully after Christmas, but Jane made her appearance 2 1/2 weeks early, so I'm not counting this chicken until he hatches.

So sometime late December or early January (forget New Years except for the obligatory staying up late and drinking Martinelli's) we get to have our first homebirth. Everybody pray the midwife makes it in time, please. I'm not sure I want our first homebirth to also be our first unassisted birth. Honestly I could do this with my eyes closed and in my sleep at this point, but I'd much rather an experienced care provider be there, too, and with how fast my births go we wouldn't make it to the nearest hospital (20 minutes away) even if I wanted to. As a good friend put it recently, "So you're choosing to have your baby at home instead of choosing to have it in the car." Once we have our newest sifty safe and well in my arms and at my breast we can relax until February. Did I say relax? I meant lose more sleep, but, hey, same diff.

For Valentine's Robert and I try to do a nice date every year. This means we need to budget for it well, plan our time well (reservations if possible), and think ahead for gifts/flowers. My relationship with my husband depends on him remembering Valentine's and showering me with tokens of love (expensive or homemade doesn't matter); he understands this and is good with it. Interestingly enough we do more for Valentine's than our Anniversary, but that's another post.

Then in March we have mine and Angel's bdays, which is another party and cake to plan/make, and my usual anticipation and letdown (this year was the exception) for my birthday. Luckily Angel's bday is after mine, so I can throw myself into his party plans and not wallow that I am not the center of the known Universe (why is that?). In the middle of the month of April (see how I wrote that ever so carefully?), we finally get to Robert's bday, wherein we don't do much, but I want to... Then it's finally May, we get to end the school year soon, and Summer starts in earnest.

Phew.

Now you know why I am a lazy blogger. And a busy momma. Now tell me about YOUR craziness that you love!

Preggo

2010-07-01T17:20:00.002-05:00

I guess it's time to let my bloggy friends know that I've made it past week 13 of this pregnancy. If you are disgruntled at not knowing before now, get on FB more often, and if you're not on FB, get over it. I'm not going to waste my time announcing to everyone that I'm 6 weeks pregnant only to have to remember who I told, then track down everyone when the pregnancy ends spectacularly ugly-like. Btw, I'm in a mood today, sorry. And this was supposed to be such a nice happy post. Sorry again.

Anyways, we hit 13 weeks about Tuesday, which means we'll be out of the first trimester early next week. We also had a visit from our Midwife, who I love, but I'm not sure if we'll keep her since she lives a good 40 minutes away, and it would be silly to pay all that money if she can't even make the birth on time (the last midwife only made it with 11 minutes to spare, and her office was next door to the hospital!). Also since this labor will probably be quite fast (and a host of other reasons too numerous to discuss right now), we are aiming for a home birth, which makes our choice of providers a short list. Point was: we got to hear a heartbeat, in the 150s. I should be past worrying now, right? But for some reason I am still on pins and needles. I can't wait for the quickening, and I have a daily reminder that this baby is alive and well. I imagine I will appreciate those rib jabs much more with this one.

Overall, I am a hormonal roller-coaster. I'm too tired to do much, and I'm lonely. I haven't been to all 3 hours of church in over a month, yet noone has called or come by in weeks, except the Priests to pass the Sacrament. I KNOW I'm supposed to be happy with who I am regardless of what others do or say, but it sure is a blow to the self esteem to feel friendless, especially when this should be a happy time. And now I am feeling all wallowy and will only get worse if I continue to dwell here, so I am going to work on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Let's see if I can beat Angel, who has gotten ahead of me since I've been playing spider solitaire too much)...

Why I Go Through Trials

2010-05-05T09:12:00.004-05:00

Perhaps, later today, I will go back and add those captions I promised so long ago. For now I am feeling pensive and repentant, and feel like letting you share the journey.

I just watched a video made by my church, and was struck by how much I needed to see and hear it. At first I was kind of annoyed at seeing Stephanie Neilson AGAIN. Not that I have any feelings for her really, it's just the pseudo-celebrity status that our society creates for these sad stories that really bugs me. Not to mention that being in the spotlight inevitably means you have to be perfect or you're some sort of bad example for the church or children everywhere somehow. Silly, I know, but just my thoughts.

Anywhoo... watch for yourself, then delve into my insights if you must.

As I write this my heart is full. Those of you who have read my blog in the past will remember the struggle I have had with 2 miscarriages in the past year-ish. These have been especially hard b/c
1.) I have always been quite healthy overall and have given birth 6 times with no problems and b.) It just sucks

So you see, I have been spoiled with health and life in abundance, and I've been selfish to believe that I somehow deserve it more than the next woman. Logically I know that I am not entirely selfish, and I know that Heavenly Father does want to bless me with more than I can even imagine. I also know that wanting more children is not selfish even though I got to keep 5 (so far), and other women out there can't even carry and birth 1 of their own (we won't even get into the annoyance (trust me, the stronger words I'd like to use would not be fitting for a lady such as myself) of women who seem to have babies effortlessly and don't care for them or themselves).

But I digress.

My point was, this video touched me. It could be the extra hormones currently or it could be (okay really IS) the Spirit needed to send me a message. Did you catch it at the end? That was Elder Holland, btw, an Apostle of Jesus Christ speaking there. He mentioned the idea that trials bring us closer to God.

Now this may not seem to be an epiphany at first, mostly b/c in my head I know this already. But it's much easier to "know" something when you haven't gone through it yet. For instance, you probably know that getting addicted to drugs then quitting is hard. But you will never really know unless you do it (don't do it though, K? It's just an example people). It's even easy to forget some things after you've gone through them. I mean, Hello(!), I've been through plenty of trials and been drawn closer to the Lord with each one. But I didn't want to do this one again!

What is amazing is how each one brings me closer to Him in a different way.

I'm going to repeat that for posterity's sake:

Every trial brings me closer to God in a different way.

Imagine spending hours talking to your best friend; the reason you do it is you discover something different about them all the time. If you didn't find them interesting and worth finding more about would you keep talking to them?

Now if you don't know that your specific trials are hand-picked for you, and that you are watched over by a loving, kind, and ever-mindful Father in Heaven, why do you continue living this life? Seriously. For me, before I knew this, I guess my reasoning was, "Things have to get better." Note: I never said, "b/c they can't get worse", b/c as we all know that's like telling the world to "have at you." Knock on wood.

And I digress again.

And the current reason I was touched is because I have been struggling with that scary place between hope and less desirable possible outcomes. Do I allow myself to surrender to being joyful and plan for what I hope/pray/wish for, or do I ground myself in the reality that is probable?

I know myself. I know that when I plan/hope/wish for something fervently it becomes more important and almost sure to me; then if it falls through I am crushed. This is one of my most frustrating traits. It rears it's ugly head with things as mundane as going to a movie or sitting at the dinner table where I want. It's not a pretty sight. Then when it's something actually important to me, it can be devastating.

And here's where it gets TMI, so if you're male (or female who doesn't like discussion of female -uh- "stuff") you may want to avert your eyes for a couple of paragraphs. Here we go.

My last period was ridiculously long, like 10 days or so, and I marked it when I first saw spotting on the calendar, so I would be accurate (I try to keep track so I never have to have an early ultrasound again. If you've ever had one where you have to drink like 10 gallons of water and you're not allowed to pee until they can get you in and out of the ultrasound, you understand. If not, I hope you never do.) in case I get pregnant (I've been doing this for years). (Are you enjoying all the parenthesis?). Also, my cycle runs a good 30 days or so, but my allergies have practically killed me this year. I say "my allergies", but as far as I know I've never had them. (All the doctors keep saying that it's really bad this year for everyone. Blah, blah, blah.) I mean it was so bad, that the RS brought in meals and did some housework for me b/c I was so knocked out. This is all relevant, I promise (wait for it.) Well, Robert finally dragged me to an allergist, who prescribed a bunch of expensive stuff (including steroids), which we got most of and utilized right away. It helped a lot! (I liked those steroids more than you should.)

Problem is -good little instructions/insert reader I am- I waded through the rigamarole on the drugs I was taking and discovered some disturbing information about mice/rats having babies with birth defects after being given less than half the dose I was taking (and, yes, I know I weigh a LOT more than even a pregnant mouse, but they do those tests for a reason...). Now regardless of whether or not my next pregnancy ends in a miscarriage or healthy baby, I could not live with myself knowing that I had even remotely possibly done anything to encourage the former. So I took an early pregnancy test, 5 days after my period may have been due. That 2nd line was so faint I had to squint, but it was within the time frame of the test.

and it was there.

Now I know an OB/Nurse/Midwife(even) has no power to stop a miscarriage and even monitoring me and my hormones won't help if a miscarriage starts. However I also know that getting HCG levels (specifically watching them rise as they should), and (Heaven forbid) an early ultrasound to detect a heartbeat would greatly increase my peace. So, I canceled my follow up with the allergist ('cause I can search the 'net myself for natural remedies for allergies, instead of pay an allergist hundreds of dollars to say, well there's not a prescription that's safe for pregnancy, but...), and called an OB to get a quantitative HCG blood test done.

I apologize, too late obviously, for all the details, but I want to make sure I write it all down and it's my blog, so there.

I had to wait until Monday to get the number. It was a 34. To put that into perspective, anything over 20 is a definite pregnancy, but at 5 weeks it could be a high as over 1000. So we wait. Again. The nurse offered to test is again that day, but I opted to wait until Thursday (our insurance sucks, blood tests are expensive, and I figured the longer the better in case I see signs of this going south on my own). But I underestimated my mood swings and worries. I went in yesterday, got the blood drawn (by a much more competent tech who did NOT give me a bruise by jabbing the stupid needle in this time) and am currently waiting for the nurse to call and either very slowly inform me that the levels have not gone up as much as they should or happily let me know that the numbers have successfully quadrupled and we should schedule an ultrasound.

The point of all this is yesterday was a really bad day, with the waiting and crying and whathaveyou. I have vacillated many times between chanting "it's all worth it it's all worth it it's all worth it" and conceding that I don't want to do this again. I don't want to be this empathetic to some other poor woman who has done this, I don't want to have to tell my children again that this baby will not be joining our family and then deal with the younger ones not understanding and continually asking me when we're having another baby, and I don't want to get any stronger. Pooh on growing and becoming stronger emotionally and spiritually.

So you see what a baby I was being. The video above reminded me that I am not going through this (healthy baby or miscarriage it may be) to get a baby, to grow as a person, to be more empathetic and help others. I am doing this to be closer to my Father, my Creator. I want to know Him and become like Him. No other goal or plan is worth it besides this one. He knows I can do it, too. Therefore I know I can do it, even when I doubt it sometimes (OK, a lot of times).

As soon as I read my scriptures and the sifties do their chores I am declaring this a "video game day", b/c -really- what better way to fritter away time quickly than by video games. Well, maybe I'll organize the library a bit... but I'm certainly not going outside again to be accosted my minuscule demons attacking my poor eyes.

Pray for me or send me positive vibes or just come over and keep me company, would you?

UPDATE: The 2nd HCG test was up to about 85-ish. Not as high as the doubling every 2 days, but still within the range of doubling every 72 hours-ish. And, honestly, the numbers aren't so important as the change in the numbers... We've scheduled an ultrasound for this coming Thursday, at which point a heartbeat should be visible on an internal ultrasound exam. Pray for me. Please.

just some pics traveling back through time

2010-02-15T16:19:00.020-06:00

This one is Tricia (with Zack in the background), when we tried making beignets with this really old mix she had. They were OK, but the fun was doing it and making what we used to call beignets but are really called rosettes. Those were tasty, and it was fun to play with the irons with cool shapes in hot oil!
Here are the girls with their new bags I made them. Isa's is her lunch bag for school, and I just thought Jane had to have one since Isa got one. Isa's had to be purple (I used the leftover fabric from her Jasmine Costume, and EJ's had to be pink and yellow.

Here's a closeup of Jane's bag, with her name sewn on using the free quilting foot on my sewing machine. Cool, huh?

Here's Robear staying up late with me to work and wait for me to finish the bags. I had to make 2, so 1 can be in the wash if need be.

Close-up of one of Isa's.

Jane stayed up too late that night, and was being cute for the camera before we got her to bed.

Close-up of the free quilting of the flowers on the fabric; I made a paper pattern of the flowers then just ripped it off after sewing over it.

The bag before the sides were sewn together.

Finished!

Sleeping Jane with Daddy reading to her in the kitchen.

Isa lining up all her tea sets after Christmas.

Horatio and Daddy playing with the cool marble set that we inherited from some friends (whose mom was tired of all the pieces. SCORE!)

Angel and Oliver doing the only thing that motivates them lately: playing DS/DSi.

Cute Jane the Sunday after Christmas, I believe, since she got the doll for Xmas. The Jacket was from her kindred Sister Martin (You'll see her later in this post).

Tricia trying to get a shot of everyone at the Bloise/Bourgeois traditional movie on Xmas day.

Here's all of us after the movie at the Tomball theatre. Let's see from back left: EJ, Robert, Ryhon, Zach, April, Oliver, Angel, Rhaine, Tricia, Isa, and Horatio. Pretty good for using the camera timer, eh?

Jane trying to wear everything on Xmas day, headband and gloves courtesy of Gma and Gpa Lewis from Brazil.

Angel and Oliver both got one of those cool sand frames from Gma and Gpa L.

The girls with their latest dresses (Yep, got 'em at Costco).

Robert, pretending to play the sax-like instrument his parents sent from Brazil (He said something about having to soak the reed before it can really be played). Oh, and Oliver at the bottom, showing off new play-doh.

Jane looking at a present from Sister Martin.

Jane, Isa, and Sister Martin. She's looking at a circle book I made for her.

Sister Martin and Jane snuggling for the camera!

Jane: "Oh, for me?"

Sister Martin and Isa, I believe the other Sifty is a Zentz. We were in the middle of our Xmas Eve celebration with close friends when Sister Martin stopped by with gifts.

The kids getting ready for the White Elephant exchange at our Xmas Eve dinner/party with friends.

Jane sacked out in the cart at Wal-mart. It still happens. Legs are Horatio's.

Here they both are. I'm pretty sure I moved Jane to the other place, b/c she was threatening to fall out like that.

Horatio's bday party (#4!). He wanted a Ben 10 cake, so I made a huge chocolate chip cookie and decorated it like the omnitrix (look it up). Pretty sure that's Angel, Oliver, Horatio, and me.

Cake cookie (Yeah, it's not great, but it was last minute)!

Isa sitting on Santa's lap at the ward Xmas party.

Horatio sleeping at the ward Xmas party.

Robert and Jane (and Isa) at the ward Xmas party.

Isa sleeping in one of the Kitty beds (?).

Cute EJ.

Naptime. Actually I think we had watched a movie as a family and this is what you get by the end. Horatio, Robert, and Jane.

OK, this is from my game of Animal crossing on the wii. I wanted to see what would happen if I kept just pushing this guy, well he got pretty mad. And, for some reason, the kids and I found this hilarious! Go figure.

Decorating the Xmas tree, and Angel getting ready to top it with our Angel. For arguments sake, Angel got to do it this year, 2009! Left to right: Angel, Horatio, Isa, and Oliver.

Topping the tree with Daddy's assistance.

(Whew! I'll do some more tomorrow, hopefully. Bug me if'n I don't, k?)

WHEW! I'll add some captions later tonight hopefully...

WOW!

2009-12-30T13:33:00.003-06:00

I almost skipped December completely; I'll post a whole plethora of pics later...

And just so you have something to do while you wait anxiously: name that movie and character if you can!

"Would you say I have a ... plethora of pinatas?"

What Are You Thankful For?

2009-11-22T19:17:00.001-06:00

And Who are you thankful to?

Create

2009-11-07T03:17:00.002-06:00

I love to be creative and make all kinds of things: sewing, cooking, baking, decorating, drawing, cleaning, hairstyles, singing, playing the piano, plinking on a guitar, tapping out rythyms, acting, building, fixing, landscaping, any art you can imagine.

To those of you who see what I do and say, "Wow, I wish I could do that",

I say, "Do it."

For the full transcript or to watch the entire address click here.

Feelings and Photos

2009-10-30T15:15:00.014-05:00

Today and the past few days have been hard. I've been medicating myself with Dr. Pepper, which I know I need to stop, but it's keeping me sane right now. I need to find another doctor, and even have one in mind based on a friend's recommendation, but I'm not sure if that will work out and there are emotional issues in there, too. I am dealing with the fact that 2 of my good friends just had babies that were due right around the date I would have had a baby now if I had not miscarried the first time. I am happy for them and jealous and disappointed all at the same time. I feel peace and hope, yet anxiety and confusion. Or perhaps it's the other way around? I want to cry, but find myself unable to. Maybe this is what people mean when they say they don't like being on medication for moods/depression. Not being able to cry at all, b/c your hormones are being blocked is not a good thing. And I'm pretty sure Robert has no idea that I am feeling this, b/c he is working on such a big project at work that he's already got about 55 hours this week (when he normally struggles to get his requisite 40, that's huge!), and I am trying to be the supportive wife who keeps it together instead of falling apart over something that happened months ago...

Angel has been a handful lately. He is frustrated by his pain and immobility. He can walk, but it hurts his foot and ankle. Robert is worried he may have somehow broken his foot either when the leg broke or while it was in the cast, but I don't think that's the case. I think Angel simply (right!) needs to do some physical therapy to get his foot and leg back into shape. He's a kid, he will bounce back, but he is so frustrated that he can't see past this obstacle. And I get annoyed with him, b/c I count on his help during the day with the sifties, and he's acting like he can't do basic things like get himself food anymore. He is a huge help to me still, changing diapers, keeping track of the little kids, etc., but he is starting to use his annoyed and angry voice right off with everyone, especially when he is feeling particularly uncomfortable or resentful (when other kids are running and playing for example). Then the Spirit is driven from our home and I come out swinging myself.

To top it off my period has started, and that always throws my moods into an uncontrollable downward spiral for a few days. Recognizing the cause is helpful, but doesn't stop it completely. And right now it adds to my remembrance of the miscarriages. The pain from cramps doesn't help anything either. Wow, I'm just a bit whiny today, eh? Let's post some pics of the last few weeks as a diversion.

I never posted about General Conference, which is always a spiritual feast, but this year was challenging to say the least. We were able to watch a few sessions at home on cable, so we didn't have to deal with the online video being choppy at best. However we try not to watch at home b/c it's hard on all of us to focus and sometimes stay awake as you can see above. It was a tiring weekend, Angel was ornery, I was still upset and bleeding a bit. Overall it was a memorable and miserable conference weekend. I miss conference when everyone had to go to the chapel for all the sessions, and you got to see everyone. It feels so lonely to be at home away from everyone, but inviting someone who doesn't have kids is kind of rude (it's not like my kids are perfectly quiet the whole time...) and having someone over who has kids has proven to be disastrous in the past. Perhaps that was not the most uplifting photo to post, but it was cute.

Next!

My parents came to visit on their way to Arkansas. We all LOVED having them, but they could only stay for 2 nights, and they spent most of Sunday avoiding us and going to visit with the newest grandbaby. I understand, but it was still hard not to be able to really relax and spend some good time with them. It was nice to see them at all since Florida is so far away, and it is expensive for 7 people to get out there not even counting the loss of a paycheck from taking off of work. My mom brought a slew of craft stuff (many things I used and remember as a kid!) and some shirts for the kids which I was trying to get a pic of here (I didn't take nearly enough pics while they were here :( ), but my mom was teasing Oliver and encouraging him when he kept flipping his around and the younger 3 could not contain themselves enough to look at the camera apparently. Silly.

The highlights of the visit were Pau Pau playing his guitar with the kids dancing around the living room (I have many fond memories of him playing Puff the magic Dragon when I was little), and Pau Pau reading our special "I love you, Grandpa" book to the girls. At least this time Isa didn't cry for days when they left. She was definitely sad, but she contained herself. Maybe next time they'll actually vacation with us or we'll get out to Florida...

Angel got his cast off, and has been using a cane we borrowed from our neighbor since the doctor told him at the check-up before that he could put weight on it. He has been doing great and it only took one night to teach him to use the cane, though it's taken some getting used to, of course. I am grateful we have wonderful neighbors to borrow things from, as well as my sister who lent us the crutches for so long.

I mostly finished costumes for the kids. Our ward party was the Wednesday before our family party, so I had to have costumes done 10 days early this year! Everything worked out fine. Angel & Oliver are rival Pokemon trainers (they still need more details, but it works), Isa is Princess Jasmine (in purple, of course), and Horatio wanted to be wall-e, so EJ got to be eve (by far the easiest costume ever! I just took a mask I found online, printed it on t-shirt transfer paper, then ironed it onto a onesie).

Our Halloween party went well. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, and though the house wasn't nearly as packed as it usually is we did have a good turnout. This year I made a slight change to the program. I usually do all the food: a couple of main dishes, sides, veggies, fruit, drinks, and tons of treats. This year I only did 2 punches and the treats, and did the rest potluck. It worked well and we had plenty of food. I also put chairs outside so people could sit there, as last year people congregated in the living room a lot I figured it was b/c that's where you could sit. We had Jack's Brains (gut a pumpkin, fill it with cooked spaghetti and lollipops, and let the kids dig into it) and bobbing for apples outside, a movie in the office off the front entry, and all the adults hung out in the kitchen mainly. I insisted on getting all the treats out at once and had to slap more than one hand to keep them at bay long enough to get a few pictures. It was funny to see everyone crowd around the counter waiting for the "Go" from me.

I got to make chocolate spiders (chocolate covered marshmallows with pull n' peel twizzler legs and red hot eyes), mini brownies, meringue ghosts and bones, butterscotch bar cookies, diamond sugar cookies, 2 kinds of chocolate dipped oreos (golden and original), jigglers, cupcakes (which the sifties all helped to decorate), and peanut butter cups (I love homemade peanut butter cups!). I stayed up until an hour which most people consider waking up time instead of my bedtime for 2 nights making everything. I made too much, and we still have peanut butter cups in the freezer (but I don't mind at all). The cupcakes did get wasted though, they weren't as big a hit as I thought they would be, even though they tasted good. Chocolate dipped candies have more appeal I suppose, though the kids would put them on plates then leave them everywhere... weird. Hungry yet?

A good friend of mine from High School (Yes, I'm one of those weirdos that LOVED High School) came to the party this year. Unfortunately he came right as everyone was clearing out, fortunately it gave us time to talk a bit and catch up some. It was a little awkward for me since I had a crush on him in HS, but he probably didn't notice. Right? Right?!

Here we are at the party (Me and "Marshmallow"). I was aiming for Little Red Riding hood, and having Robert be the wolf, but I only got as far as a quick hooded cape for me. Angel says I am Super Red Riding Mom. I'm going with that.

And here's the piano we finally bought. It's paid for, and it's mine. I love having a piano in the house, and this one is so beautiful it adds to the decor as well as being beautifully functional. And not having to pay a rental fee for the other one is a huge bonus for our savings.

Now, we must go to the library and once again pay our late fees before it closes. I wish Robert was home.

Btw, we need a piano bench. Anyone know of one I can get for cheap (or free)? It does need to have a cushion or be pretty high, b/c this piano is an upright grand and is quite tall.

Whew, I'm really done now.

You'll Have to Wait for the Pics

2009-10-26T17:30:00.004-05:00

Sorry, I haven't uploaded them to my computer yet, and even though I am sitting right now at my computer, the camera is a WHOLE 15 feet away in the backpack. Which basically means it is too far away for me to get up and get, because that only means I will get distracted (I like shiny things...) and start doing other things on the way and when I do upload the pictures (I have lots of pictures that need tagging!). My brain takes multitasking to new levels. SO I will spare myself and post about something I've been thinking of for a while.

I love reading my friends blogs. It allows me to catch up on whose kids are how old, who finally got married, what jobs people are doing, what hobbies we share, etc. However it has dawned on me that noone usually posts about the boring everyday details of their lives, because, well, it's boring to you! But when I read old novels or historical fiction my favorite part is silly little everyday details. The point is I have no idea what the day to day doings of my old HS, college, and random friends are. Therefore you must read about mine. For posterity's sake, of course.

Here we go.

On my best day ever:

Robert is up, says prayers by the bed while I snooze, is out the door at some ridiculous hour, and texts me when he gets to work.
I get up about 9am.
I make the bed (please note people, this really means throwing my pillows to the head of the bed and straightening the covers, so I have a space to sort laundry, this does not mean hospital corners and dust ruffles).
I go potty (and yes I say potty, that's the word I use most of the time; get over it).
I weigh myself, about 3 times. My digital scale is weird.
I floss and do mouthwash, then shower.
After showering I get dressed (to shoes if I'm good), put my hair up somehow (braids, hairigami, or just ponytails of some sort; no gel, hairspray or anything), and brush my teeth.
Then I grab my phone, wallet, lip stuff (from the body shop), and any female stuff I may need for my pockets.
I unplug my stereo and phone charger to save energy.
I gather my dirty clothes, then remembering my prayers, kneel down for that.
If I've taken a while, the sifties will come in during that time, b/c they notice my light is on.
Grab dirty clothes again, reboot the laundry (usually I've got a load in the wash and dryer at any given time), grab the clean laundry and toss it on the bed to be sorted at a later time. Then I close the door so the kitties don't go in my room.
Usually at this point there are cries of "Mommy's awake!", b/c it's a big deal if I'm up before 11. I'm just like that. It's something I'm working on.
I go to the fridge and grab my cup of Carnation Instant breakfast (chocolate of course) which Robert makes for me and the kids before he leaves in the morn. Get out vitamins and my pills du jour. Have one of the sifties pass out vitamins to the rest of them ("I want purple!").
I fill my water sipper, and call everyone together for prayers, usually on the living room floor (we kneel for family prayers morning and night, and we sit for meal prayers). Sometimes, if Robert's webcam is on and he has his headphones on (he doesn't have speakers at work), he will "join" us by listening and watching.
After prayers, I will get EJ dressed if needed (if the boys haven't already done it) and brush & possibly fix Isa's hair if she wants braids, ponytails, or "pretty prettys". Then I sit at my computer and check my TADAs (much more fun to say than TO DOs, right?).
If the sifties are settled down doing whatever at this point I will read my scriptures for 15 minutes (sometimes it takes as much as 45 minutes, but that's not b/c I am a spiritual giant but rather b/c the sifties are usually driving me crazy at that point).
After scriptures I grill the boys on chores being (not) done, then check my TADAs that are not part of my everyday TADAs (like planning costumes, sewing projects, plans for the weekend, school stuff, budgeting, etc.).
I choose dinner, including mis en place that can be done this early.

Then my day finally starts.

On my best day all of this is done before 10:30.

The afternoon changes according to the day, but involves errands, library, mowing the lawn, dropping off recycling, playgroup, or planning time. Whatever is on my not-daily TADA list gets done between 10:30 and 4 pm, including school.

At 4 I'm supposed to practice my piano (I took pictures so I can show you my new (old) piano. It's beautiful!), then finish any other TADAs not done.

Then depending on when Robert leaves work, I get dinner started, we eat, and hack around until 7:30 when my phone alarm goes off announcing it's time for family scriptures and prayers. That takes us about 30 minutes, then Robert takes the kids upstairs and reads to them, tucks them in, turns on their stereo or a movie (if it's a special night or we just can't get them settled), while I detox for a bit. Usually Robert falls asleep upstairs and I end up getting him up or sifties sneak downstairs for a bit. Eventually sifties are all in bed by 9 or so.

If Robert needs hours at work he will get on the computer at this point and we will hook up one of the computers to the projector and watch our tv shows online. During the show I will prepare school lessons, stuff for Relief Society, or do indexing if I need something to do. We watch glee, house, dollhouse, csi, csi:miami, and stargate sg-1 consistently (I probably shouldn't admit to most of these, but they entertain me and give us conversation fodder for parenting in the 21st century; discuss THAT amongst yourselves.). If Robert doesn't need hours or he can't concentrate enough to justify being "on the clock" he will snuggle on the couch with me and fall asleep at some point. He will wake when it's way too late for me to still be up, and drag me to bed.

Robert always (if he's not totally zonked) kneels by the bed, rubs my feet, and reads to me to help me get to sleep. We have couple prayers and he falls asleep almost instantly if he doesn't go into the kitchen to do dishes, make carnation, or whatever puttering he does when the sifties and I are alseep.

And the cycle begins again.

SO how do your days go?

Party Done!

2009-10-25T19:45:00.002-05:00

Well, the party is done. We only had about 60 people in attendance this year, so it was less crowded than usual, but it was generally less stressful b/c we did a potluck for the bulk of the food and I got to focus on the treats!

Angel also got his cast off last Wednesday, and my parents came to visit and actually stayed in our house for 2 nights! Pictures of all forthcoming!

Halloween Party Prep

2009-10-23T04:39:00.002-05:00

I have some amazingly cute children and pictures of them to boot! Remind me to post them sometime. Meanwhile, I think I'll take a nap before I finish preparing for the Halloween party tonight! I still have cookies to bake and children to yell at -I mean, encourage to help clean up the living room. Who wants to come over and do that for me?

OK, say good night, John Boy.

Whatever You're Doing... It Feels Like Chaos

2009-10-09T11:29:00.002-05:00

I'm mostly tired.

I've been focusing on school with the kids and getting ready for our annual Halloween party (and Halloween itself, of course!). I've been a bit manic lately off and on. I've been drinking too much Dr. Pepper again and have to decide when I will wean myself AGAIN.

I'm starting to fear that I will become like I remember my mom being when I was little. We called it manic-depression back then. What do they call it now? Bipolar? My mom is much better now, but she has to take meds. I hate the idea that I am broken enough to warrant being on medication for the rest of my life or I will spend a lot of my children's childhood yelling at them and getting ridiculously upset over stupid things that I know don't really matter even in the very second that I am freaking out about them. Whoo, long sentence, sorry!

I am surprised at how I feel about the latest miscarriage. It's nothing mostly. Numb I suppose, b/c to say I don't feel sad would make me heartless. Remember sometime in your life where you were really upset? Maybe you were a small child, or even an adult. And someone you loved came up to you, spoke lovingly and perfectly, and you could NOT feel upset anymore no matter how hard you wanted to and tried to. The Spirit (The Holy Ghost, I mean) has been doing that with me. It's like I understand at some deep level that I cannot even communicate to anyone else, which is just confusing, but also feels nice. I've grown. And that stinks. I don't wanna be wise! I wanna be a baby and whine and cry about mememe.

OK, not really.

sigh

I have a lot of gas. I take iron and stool softeners b/c of the beautiful things the iron does to my bowels, which makes my powder room habits weird to say the least. Hey, I've warned you before that my blog is TMI sometimes! My point is that I get gas bubbles in my tummy a lot. Sometimes it's just painful, but other times it feels like a baby kicking. And I stop and think, I could/would be over 15 weeks now, and that's a good time to start feeling baby moving. And I spend a few short seconds deluding myself that maybe the doctor, tests, and ultrasound were all wrong and a baby is still in there. Then I think, if I had kept the first pregnancy that I would be having a baby in less than a month. And then I remind myself that if it was supposed to be then I would still be pregnant, so I feel confused as to whether or not I should want this at all. And even as I go through all of this in my head the peace pervades all, and I can't cry.

Granted, it's not like we don't have "enough" children. I guess I always thought we'd have more. More meaning any number greater than we have at the present moment.

We've thought about adopting. We started doing research a long while ago, before the first miscarriage, before I even knew I was pregnant at that time. Then we noticed that the adoption agency we were looking at (just a state thing) has a rule that no more than 6 children (including the foster child/adoptee) can be in a home. So, naturally, when we found I was pregnant adoption went onto the back burner. We've discussed it before. We always talked about when we are "done" having kids, we would adopt some older kids, maybe some kids who have problems (boy do those poor kids have problems...), but we always talked about doing it when Angel and Oli were well into their teenage years, so they could be a good influence on any kids we bring onto our home and not the opposite.

Since the last time we discussed it, we talked about the idea that it would be nice to adopt a child who is between Oli and Isa's ages. They have an almost 4 year gap, so a child in there would be perfect, right? Logically, of course. But since when does my logic ever line up with the infinite knowledge and grand plan of our Father in heaven? That's rhetorical, smart alecks!

So part of my confusion stems from the idea that perhaps we are supposed to adopt now instead of have me bear another baby (just for now, I hope). I would love a new sifty to add to our family, no matter their age or other circumstances, but a sweet, brand new, birthed at home baby would be... sweet.

Overall, I want to do what Heavenly Father wants for us, and I know that Robert & I will know when we should know. So I'm just venting. And b/c I love music, and it expresses so clearly what I feel so often, here's a song for now (pause the main music player before you press play).

and thanks for noticing me.

I Think We Are Being Compelled to Be Humble...

2009-09-22T14:49:00.002-05:00

So, the Friday night after Angel broke his leg, we all headed to Costco (isn't that what everyone does on Friday night?). We hung out looking at books for a while, ate pizza for dinner, got a few groceries and left. Robert unlocked the doors and was acting really weird. He said something to the effect of, "Where are the car-seats?" I was at the backety-back doors about to load up groceries while Angel and Oliver were waiting at the entrance with the Costco wheelchair. I could see from the back that the GPS was not on the windshield as it usually is. Robert has warned me before (and I know this!) not to leave it out when we leave the car, especially at night when it's brightly lit.

Unbelievably, I wandered to the side door and saw that besides the GPS, 2 of our 3 car-seats were gone. Poor Isa had left some of her "treasures" in the cup holder of hers. Nothing else was taken. Not the cds, not the power converter, not the 3rd car-seat identical to 1 of the others.

It is true that Isa's side door (the one I looked into) sometimes does not lock with the automatic locks. So to answer Lucy's question, yes and no. The car doors were locked, except that 1 which has a problem occasionally. Occasionally being that night. EJ, Horatio, nor Isa are old enough nor big enough to be without car seats legally or safety-wise. At least Wal-mart was just down the street, and we had money in our checking account to get new car-seats. We strapped EJ into the last car-seat and drove over there, even though I was tired, in pain, and wanting to just go home.

We got EJ a pink one she chose (she loves pink and girly things just like her sister), but they didn't have a pink booster for Isa. Robert questioned getting a girly one in case the next baby is a boy. I answered petulantly (this is the first I've told him anything might be wrong), "We're not having anymore babies!" He questioned me further about how I knew and I told him I had lower back pain and was bleeding bright red blood already. He tried to hold me and I almost cried right there, but as we hadn't told the kids anything, I was in a lot of pain, and we needed to just get home, I pushed him away a little and said I didn't want to do this here. We had Isa pick out a car-seat she liked, got out of there, strapped in car-seats (EJ was especially excited for hers), and got home. I may have taken a bath that night.

Overall we are blessed. I will miss my GPS, but it was a gift, so we didn't lose any money on it. I don't have money to replace it, so we will have to find our way around the old-fashioned way again. And, even though it wasn't cheap, we did have the money available to replace the old car-seats which were nearing the end of their lifespan anyway. It was just disheartening, especially after Angel broke his leg, I think I'm starting my 2nd miscarriage, and now this.

What kind of a person (even a thief) steals car-seats? And not just any car-seats, but steals 2 from a car that has 3! Don't you people understand that that means that the person driving the car has at least 3 small children? How selfish can you be, to make that family drive their children home unsafely and illegally? What if we had no money for more? I suppose we'd have used a credit card, or driven home anyway. Angel, surprisingly, took it pretty hard. He was very upset that this happened on top of him breaking his leg and all (he was taking it fairly hard anyways).

And now I am worn out from a long week. Yesterday I spent playing Animal crossing and bleeding. My iron has been so low (a normal effect of pregnancy for me) that I've been sleeping in until 11 or 12 daily. Sunday, Yesterday, and today I stayed in bed until after 12. Today I've been blogging it out, and I'll probably go play more video games. I don't need anything. I don't feel like eating anything, and we have plenty of food in the house and money to pay for picking up something if we want to. I CAN do the housework, I'm just not doing it. I wish Robert were here. I don't know what he's thinking and he doesn't know what I'm thinking. But I know it's not over yet. I haven't passed enough for it to be over after almost 12 weeks. So I'm waiting, not going anywhere b/c I don't know exactly when stuff will come out.

Also, I'm ignoring my phone, so leave me a message if you must.

sigh

Angel's Tibia

2009-09-22T13:56:00.005-05:00

Yep, I typed tibia, not fibula. 2 fractures, 1 bone. No displacement though, and no dislocation of any joints. He was "lucky." This is what happens when you are messing around on the Sabbath and your mother doesn't stop you in time. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye-- um, breaks a leg.

I wrapped his leg in an ace bandage Sunday night, right after it happened. We laid him down, treated him for shock (Angel goes into shock very easily when he is injured), and I had the sad privilege of feeling his leg to see if it was displaced at all. He was in a LOT of pain. We fed him Ibuprofen, and got him tenderly to bed. His uncle felt really bad, b/c he was playing with the kids, but of course Angel himself made the statement that same night that it was NOT his fault.

Monday morning, Angel was in a lot of pain again, so I called the pediatrician's office as soon as I could, packed everyone up and headed there. Halfway there, I had to turn back (since I don't have pockets on Sundays, I put my wallet in my church backpack, not the sifty backpack) and pick up my wallet. We saw the doctor briefly, then he sent us to the Tomball hospital to get X-rays. I trust this doctor implicitly and he trusts me. He said we would have better luck getting an orthopedist there than 1 of the hospitals closer to us. My sister also had some crutches Angel could borrow if need be and they live in Tomball/Magnolia so I knew we would go by there afterwards most likely. I was glad we had the DS and DSi as well as a plethora of snacks for the sifties. I pushed Angel around in the umbrella stroller all day.

After X-rays (which I was careful to leave the room for, fat lot of good it did me...), we got an appointment with an orthopedist a few hours later in Tomball. The X-ray tech showed me the x-rays, wherein it showed that Angel has not 1 but 2 diagonal fractures on his large lower leg bone. After getting kicked out of the waiting area at the hospital by some lady who told me that security was on their way (I swear we weren't doing anything!), we headed to a nearby Wal-mart (Thank goodness for my GPS. I miss it now. See the next post, if I get to it today.) and picked up diapers and something else we felt was needed like Animal Crossing City Folk (Video games are a needed item when someone is sick or injured!). We made our way to the doc's and got more X-rays. Apparently you are supposed to bring them with you! Thanks for the info people. I stayed just outside the room again, listening to my son cry out in pain as they had him move his leg into the right positions for the x-rays.

We waited around for the doc to look at it. Then a nice tech/nurse came in and wrapped Angel up, black being the color of choice. We didn't get to get a waterproof cast, b/c of the fit or something. Then the biggest problem was dealing with Angel's pain, I'd forgotten to ask about his pain management, and the doctor really didn't give me much care info, except to say that he shouldn't put his weight on it. And of course, how do we sign a black cast? A day or so later we went and got some silver sharpies from Wal-mart, in case you wanna come sign it!

And here are random pics of us all when they were done wrapping him up. Here's how well those self-timers on cameras work in the 21st century! At least with a digital I can take a hundred pics and see if it turned out right away. Hmmm, I'm not fast enough in this one.

Oops, I blocked Isa in that one, and it looks like H is mad.

Here we go. This is what we look like after visiting 2 doctors and 1 hospital for about 6 1/2 hours. We are ready to go home, and for pizza which daddy picked up and met us at home with.

Then Tricia and the kids came by to share pizza with us, drop off crutches, and be disappointed that they couldn't sign the cast yet!

Btw, it only took Angel about a day to get used to his crutches. He's doing well on them and wants to be up and around. He has a follow up visit in 2 weeks (most likely the cast will be on for 4-6 weeks, though).

Wait 'til you hear what happened later in the week, but before the miscarriage...

The Worst Post or Another TMI post

2009-09-22T12:49:00.004-05:00

There is something so uniquely depressing about wiping the blood of my potential unborn child off of the toilet seat with a clorox wipe. It's so final and almost obscene, like I'm erasing the evidence of a crime scene. Like I'm trying to deny it ever happened, b/c once that's gone there is nothing to say I was ever almost 12 weeks pregnant.

I had a tiny bit of blood for a few days right after we passed the 10 1/2 week mark. Since giving birth the number of times I have leads to undesirable side effects (like Hemorrhoids, yuck), I assumed/hoped with good reason) that's what it was. Sunday Angel & I stayed home, for his sake (see the next post for details on that), so I was up most of the afternoon unlike most Sundays wherein I sleep all afternoon. Robert was getting the smaller sifties into a bath in the evening and I was going to the bathroom. When I wiped, Robert noticed (from across the bathroom, note), "That's not a little bit of blood," he said.

Obviously, we were both thinking the same thing. I guess that's it for this one. I went on to fixing dinner, gushing blood occasionally and running to the bathroom at random times, pretty much ruining most of the pita bread I was making, trying to act for the kids' sake that nothing was weird or amiss. Eventually dinner got done, we ate, sometime in there Robert told Angel what was happening, and the missionaries called to cancel their dinner appointment with us (thank goodness! Who wants to keep running to the bathroom very suddenly with the poor missionaries there?). At some point Angel asked Robert if he was going to work tomorrow. Robert's answer broke my heart. I was going to have to do this alone, on a Monday.

Thank goodness for a diva cup, b/c I hate pads, and I wouldn't feel comfortable using tampons during a miscarriage. As it was I also walked around with a dishtowel folded up between my legs all evening Sunday and all day Monday (and now, btw).

Here's the stuff no one tells you about a miscarriage, and I wish I had known, just because: it is NOT like a period, but more like nothing else really. It's big clots of "stuff", that comes out like you are giving birth, quickly and unexpectedly.

It's painful. It feels very much like birthing, the waves come and go, they shoot down my legs and from my lower back. The difference for me is it's not over in a few hours, it lasts for days. I have renewed respect for women who "labor" for days before birthing. My hypnobabies techniques have been invaluable, but I have been loathe to do my cds b/c I can't stand the idea of listening to pregnancy affirmations and relaxation sessions that talk of nothing but my baby. I have been using my finger drop and putting myself into a deep state of self-hypnosis, just to relax and let the waves do their thing. And at the same time that I appreciate having these techniques at my disposal, I wish I simply had a big bottle of tylenol 3 to make it all go away. Then who would take care of my sifties, with Angel incapacitated?

I thought I would be angry this time. I thought I would cry a lot, which I haven't even done once. But when I think about it, I have been warned that Jane may have been my last. I just didn't believe it. I was only 30 when I had her. 30! I've enjoyed this great nostalgia the whole 2+ years she's been here. When I look at her I enjoy her more so than any of the other sifties. I've always thought of it in terms of "what if she were my last baby?", without actually believing it to be true. It was just a way of living in the moment for me, truly appreciating what I have, you know.

About the time she turned 18 months, and I was wondering why we weren't pregnant again, Robert told me that he thought that maybe I wouldn't get pregnant again. It came out of nowhere, but Robert usually has good promptings. He just KNOWS things. It's weird, but it's one of the things I've always loved about him, he is so close to the Spirit that he gets these promptings about everyday things, like going to the movies or which direction we should drive to go somewhere.

I've been overweight since I was old enough to know what it meant. I sat at 150 pounds since I was 12 (remember I'm only 5' 2"), then after I had Angel I went up to about 170. Then by the time I had Oliver I went up to 195. I was determined that I would never hit the dreaded 200 mark, which would be like the black spot to me. I went on birth control again (long story), started counting calories and getting healthier, lost 40 pounds over 8 months, then got pregnant with Isa. Over the last 6 years (and 2 more sifties) I gained it all back. Overall I've never really felt healthy except when I was losing weight before Isa, and during pregnancies when I was exercising.

Then I got pregnant. "Whew,"I thought. There's nothing wrong with me. 10 1/2 weeks later it was over. Read how I dealt with that here (and the subsequent posts) if you are brave.

Amidst my wallowing and confusion, I received a prompting, "You need to lose 20 pounds, April."

Sigh.

I hate counting calories.
I hate exercising.
I hate weighing my food.

But count, exercise, and weigh I did. I lost 15 pounds in 3 months. I felt better. I kicked my caffeine habit. And I got pregnant! After only 15 pounds! So it was a test! I passed, and I get to have another baby. I get to use my Hypnobabies again! I get to have a homebirth! But I didn't use exclamation points in my head. I was wary. I decided to tell NO ONE until we hit 12 full weeks. Let me illustrate why we've done this with each and every pregnancy.

We went into the pediatrician's office last week. The nurse said to me (from behind the tall counter mind you), "You're pregnant!" I said, looking around, "Can you tell?" She told me that I had told them the last time we were in (I must have mentioned it to the doctor last time we were in months ago). It dawned on me that she was talking about my miscarriage, wherein I could have been 7 1/2 months pregnant at this point. I had the most painful few seconds in which I explained that I was pregnant again, but we had lost the former pregnancy at 10 1/2 weeks. And she had that awkward silence and look on her face that said, "I have no idea how to respond to that" and she apologized. Can you imagine, not remembering all the people you told you were pregnant at 6 weeks or whenever you found out? Then running into them randomly over the next 6 months, at which point you've dealt with it as much as possible, but every time someone sees you they remember that you were (they think ARE) pregnant. Then they ask about it when you don't even remember telling them, and suddenly it's as if a depression bomb is dropped on the conversation, and your day is ruined from there on. Then you spend the next few days (or more) living it over again.

That's why we wait to tell people.

I was sicker than I usually am. I even left church once, b/c my stomach was so upset. I even did a 2nd pregnancy test a couple of weeks ago to see if my HCG levels were rising. It came up positive before the indicator line came up. I was elated, but still wary. But I didn't tell anyone, though Robert & I were sorely tempted. I take that back. I told one person: the midwife we were seeing with the last pregnancy. I emailed her and asked for any advice she may give, but declined having her come out to see us until we passed the critical point (10 1/2 weeks in my mind). She even called me the day before I was to hit 11 weeks, b/c she was going out of town the whole next week and offered to come over and see if we could hear the heartbeat. I was SO tempted, but I had seen a tiny bit of blood at that point, and I also knew that with all my other pregnancies we never could pick up a heartbeat with the doppler until almost 12 weeks, so even if baby was fine we may not hear it. So I declined.

Now we're back to the beginning of the post.

I feel sad. Will I never give birth to another sifty of my own?

I feel disappointed. Isn't this a righteous desire? Aren't there Spirits that need bodies still, and I'm willing!?

I feel empty. Are my desires wrong? Am I doing something wrong with my sifties that I don't deserve anymore?

I don't feel angry. I recognize that my whining is akin to a millionaire complaining that he only has 5 yachts, when someone else out there has 8! How selfish could I be? I have 5 beautiful, intelligent, kind, sweet, amazing blessings. I've been blessed to give birth to 6 healthy children. I have the most amazing husband who has supported, loved, blessed, given everything he is to our family and me.

How could I possibly be so selfish as to want more?

Maybe just 1 more? (Then we'd be an 8 person family; 8 is my lucky number...)

August With Us, or at least what I took pictures of...

2009-09-01T18:35:00.010-05:00

The sifties had a temple trip/tour with their Primary. It was OK, except that it was the middle of the day at the beginning of August in Houston. Ugh. We walked around outside a bit and took pictures. The idea being that I would get a beautiful, memorable shot of my sweet children for distribution at a future holiday... Here's the first shot:

Then Oliver decided to bug Horatio...

Who threatened him with a look...

At which point Oliver wondered if maybe he shouldn't have been teasing Horatio...

And Horatio moved to do something physical about it...

At which point I believe Oliver decided a defensive posture was warranted...

And Horatio decided mid-hit to turn it into a funky dance, I suppose. All the while Isa and EJ were being their very reverentest and Angel was looking about as cool a tween as possible.

Then they decided they were done with the picture taking (fie on digital cameras!).

The we all got to go inside and have a snack.

yummy.

I did some henna this month. Here's my oldest sister with a dragonfly on her leg...

and swirlies on the opposite side.

and Isa chose this HUGE butterfly/goddess/fairy thing. She still has traces of it on her leg, but it was pretty.

The biggest thing this month was when Stephanie came to visit! We got her for a whole week and I think I took only a dozen pictures the whole time. Lame. But here are some from the beach. I made a sea turtle and someone decided he needed sunglasses.

Here's the crew waiting for the word that they can do the "Mexican Sand Stomping dance". It's tradition. I like to build sand sculptures when we go to the beach and they like to smoosh them; but they know I will get mad if they do so before I give the word. They are being so patient!

After the beach we had to go to the Olive Garden, way too late. By the time we got there Horatio was out (it's a long drive home from Galveston!), and by the time we had eaten we had 3 sleeping.

Here's the Jane:

Here's Horatio:

Here are the awake sifties, might be due to the caffienated soda... ?

And here's Isa, with the best pillow she could find:

On the last day, I remembered to pull out the camera, at which point Isa was in mourning mode, but did consent to show off her purpley blackish fingernails which Stephanie painted for her.

Here she is grieving Stephanie being gone before Stephanie even left.

And here's the whole rotten bunch -uh, I mean cute bunch, yeah.

We got an exciting phone call a good week or so before expected that the kids had a new cousin, V. She has the coolest name ever, and Horatio thoroughly enjoyed holding and kissing her. Here she is fresh from the hospital (we got to go see her right after dropping Stephanie at the airport):

Zach had his 16th birthday, so we brought over a cake...

The girls and I ate some nachos.

I have no idea why Robert felt this needed to be photographically documented.

And I took some pics of the 3 oldest sifties for our new school year. Here's my Angel (almost 12!):

Here's my Olibear (almost 10!):

And here's the Isa (cute as a button at almost 6!):

So that's some of our August. Did I mention that Robert & I celebrated our 13th Anniversary this month, too? It has been a blessed and lucky 13 years. Scumps to 13 more and eternity...

I am Woman, Hear Me Roar!

2009-07-29T20:58:00.003-05:00

So here's the latest: this cat tree I've been working on since last summer. OK, so more thinking about off and on and pushing the pieces around the house since last summer, but you get the idea. The only thing I had to buy was the sisal rope. I think I may have bought the 1X4 but I forget. The platforms were pieces from a table Robert's mom gave us which he broke a while back (it was old), so I cut the big round in half for the main 2 platforms and used a little extra piece for the top. The carpet was leftover scraps the previous owners left of the carpet I hate and will replace with beautiful cherry wood flooring someday in the unforseeable future. I ended up nailing it together b/c my screws were too short and flimsy. So I got to use a staple gun, screw gun, sawsall, hammer and nails. By far the hardest part of the project was winding the stupid rope around and securing it on the ends. I love tools! Aren't the kitties cute?

Think they like it?

p.s. I did use some picture wire to wire it to one of the banister posts right under the very top platform, jik! (ok, what I meant was "just in case", so I guess that should be jic? Guess I was thinking of jk... Freudian slip?)

Isa's Attitude

2009-07-27T15:05:00.002-05:00

Me (making brownies in the kitchen and noticing Isa working quietly at the kitchen table): Watcha' working on?
Isa: Nothing. Pause. It's not your business.

Wonder where she got that from!

Just What I've Been Doing

2009-07-14T22:39:00.003-05:00

I finally finished the blanket for my Brother-in law and his wife's new (read almost 5 months old already!) baby, Charlotte. I went bright, b/c it appealed to me. The back side is a really soft red fabric, and I bound it with an orange satin blanket binding. It came out pretty, even though I didn't do so well on the machine embroidery around the edges. It was my first time machine quilting, so that's my excuse. K&D, if you are reading this, expect it in the mail soon!

We went to Chick-fil-A Friday morning for "Cow appreciation day", meaning free food if you dress like a cow "from head to toe". So we ALL did, and got over 40$ worth of the best chicken ever. I love Chick-fil-A! They have great food, great service, and they keep the Sabbath! We went early to beat the crowds, and Robert got some breakfast food (tater tots/hash browns are SOOOOO good!), and the rest of us got lunch stuff. They even gave us some free cinnamon clusters and the kids all got little stuffed cows and balloons. All b/c we are crazy enough to take our whole herd in public like this... Oh, the therapy my children will need...

Friday afternoon, we finally got to see my sister's new place and Horatio & EJ made themselves quite at home as you can see below. Angel & Oliver enjoyed playing wii for like 5 hours (I am NOT exagerrating, I swear!). We also played a bit of a board game and had some really good pizza while I did henna for my sister.

Here is my sister's tummy with henna. She's so cute, huh?

So there's a quick update. Maybe next time you'll get pics of the kids!

P.S. Mom, I did not forget your birthday! I hope it was nice, and I apologize for not calling. I'll make it up to you! I know, you can stay with us next time you're in Houston!

ABCs of Me or A Tag From Rachel

2009-06-21T22:02:00.003-05:00

I get a few tags from friends occasionally (mostly on FB), and I spend countless hours composing them in my head (Yes! I am not afraid to admit it!), but rarely do I post them anywhere. So, I figured since I haven't posted in a while, I will do the latest tag from Rachel, my cute sister-in-law. Maybe I'll do another if this one is well received, let me know what you think!

A -Age: 32 (wow! I had to subtract my birth year from the current year to figure it out)

B - Bed size: Queen, but we need a bigger one, since I sleep with a body pillow plus 2 more pillows

C – Chore I hate: um, I hate all chores, but I'm trying to teach my children to like work (I know, I don't get it either)

D - Dog's name: nope (3 cats: Nightia, Mew, & Jazzman)

E - Essential start your day item: text from Robert telling me he is safely at work, and that he loves &/or misses me

F - Favorite color(s): white, yellow, blue, green, brown, black, in short, primary colors plus a few

G - Gold or Silver: silver

H - Height: 5' 2 1/4"

I - Instruments you play: piano, guitar, vocal cords

J - Job title: COO

K - Kids: Angel, Oliver, Isa, Horatio, Eliza-Jane, ?

L - Living arrangements: Husband, 5 kids, 3 cats

M - Mom's name: Linda

N - Nicknames: My love, turtle, Ape, Grape Ape

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: nope

P - Pet Peeve: people whose speech makes them sound ignorant, and writing that makes them sound even more so

Q - Quote from a movie: "These are not the droids you're looking for."

R - Right or left handed: Left, and proud of it.

S - Siblings: 2 older sisters and a younger brother

T - Time you wake up: hmmm, 9ish, except on Sunday about 7ish

U - Underwear: Gs

V - Vegetable you dislike: most of them (I am properly ashamed, but there it is.)

W - Workout style: unwilling generally, or as little as possible; OK, I'll do water aerobics with a good instructor, yoga, wii Personal Trainer, and jumping on the big trampoline

X - X-rays you've had: right arm, teeth

Y - Yesterday's best moment: coming home after the duct cleaners were at my house earlier and my home smelling really clean

Z - Zoo favorite: okapi, carousel, cotton candy

There you go. Now somebody else do it, and let me know by commenting! Good Sabbath!

I Suppose I've Been Thinking About it For so Long...

2009-05-25T22:41:00.007-05:00

... that I didn't realize I hadn't posted anything for almost the whole month! So tonight I've decided that I need to do my long awaited Henna post!

I've been making a lot of henna lately to practice and get my recipe right, because my sister has asked me to do some henna for the ladies at her baby shower this coming weekend. I am really excited, and it should be loads of fun. So here are pics of the trial runs lately. And in case you are interested or popped over from the henna forum, here's the recipe I used:

2 T. strong tea, herbal mix
2 T. lemon juice (I use bottled, but fresh is supposed to be better)
1 T. sugar (I left this out a couple of times, and it just doesn't stay on my skin as well without it)

Mix these ingredients together, warm a little (not hot, just warmer than room temp.), and set aside.

Measure about 3 T. Rajasthani Monsoon Henna (you can buy it here, or get some other good body art quality henna and tweak the recipe) into a ceramic bowl (it can be plastic if you don't mind staining it, but don't use metal, it's too reactive to the acid).

Mix in the liquid and stir really well. You want it mega smooth. I actually use my stick blender for this part! Purists will tell you this is awful, but it gets it really smooth and I don't have to strain it.

The texture should be the thickness of gel toothpaste (but not as shiny!). I used a total of about 3 1/2 T. henna to get a good texture for my climate. To avoid adding lumps after already stirring well, sift the henna evenly over the top of the mixture if you add more. To test the texture, put a small drop on the back of your hand. You want to see a soft peak, that will curve down, but not quite sink all the way down, and if it spreads out past your original dot, it's too thin. Now that that explanation is clear as mud (seriously call me if you have a question, or better yet just come over and we'll do it together), add some essential oils.

I added 7 drops of lavender. I usually add lavender (5 drops) and eucalyptus (5 drops) and I think it stains better, but since my templates (guests at the shower) are an unknown quantity, I don't want to risk any stronger terps than lavender.

Mix it in well and cover it with plastic wrap like you would pudding, with the plastic touching the surface of the henna. Put a tissue, with some coins of something for weight on top of the plastic. In about 6 hours (at room temp., 72-75ish degrees) pick up the tissue and you should see an orange spot where the coins were sitting. This is good! It means you have achieved dye release from the henna and it is ready for application. If there is absolutely no orange at all, leave it and check again in a couple of hours, and check the temp in your house.

Spoon the henna into a pastry bag or applicator bottle or (if you are really good) a mylar cone (I haven't mastered that yet; I just progressed to a pastry bag with a tiny tip). Store it in the back of the fridge until you are ready to use it. Mine stays usable (still gets a good stain) for almost a week if kept in the fridge every second it's not in use. The henna "demises" faster the warmer it gets. It doesn't rot or anything gross, it just won't stain your skin anymore. If you don't use it all (I can do my 5 kids, my husband's hand, 1 of my hands and both feet, and a couple of friends' hands or feet, and still have some left over with this quantity) you can freeze it or use it for your hair.

All of the techniques and scientific explanations can be found at the henna page (thehennapage.com), and many other places on the 'net, but the henna page is the best.

Whew! SO here are some pics. Any that look really dark are probably pics with the henna still on, and the lighter ones are probably just b/c I waited too long to take pics, and the design was already fading. BTW, when it's good henna and freshly made, the designs last at least 2 weeks and up to about 4 before they are gone totally, depending on the body part you apply it to.

So, what do you think?

This One is for Sister Martin

2009-05-04T15:12:00.003-05:00

Now scroll up and down really fast! (or as fast as your connection and computer will allow)

2009-04-27T11:27:00.001-05:00

You can find the lyrics yourself. It's called google.

You Are My Sunshine

2009-04-26T18:16:00.003-05:00

Earlier this week, the sweet Sister who does 5-minute music (and conducts the music and picks the music) in Relief Society asked me if I would help her with 5 minute music. She dropped off a short story with some music to it, and asked if I would read it, and sing a few small parts, or she could read it and I could just sing. I thought briefly about asking Angel or 1 of the kids to sing, but Angel hates singing and I figured since I haven't taught this song to my children (I know! What kind of mother am I?) I wouldn't be able to teach it to them in time for Sunday.

Soooo, I just decided to sing it myself. However it became apparent to me after reading it for the first time, that on Sunday, during the last hour of church, after having been inundated by the Spirit softening my heart more than usually happens during the week, that I may not make it through reading the story. I asked the music sister if she would read the story and I'll sing the little part.

No problem.

Riiiiight...

I got through the first line of the song, and couldn't sing anymore as my throat closed up and I started crying. Wonderfully, blessedly the sisters in Relief Society didn't miss a beat, and started to sing along. It was beautiful. And I felt very loved and comforted by these great sisters. And the whole point of the 5-minute music was to illustrate the power of music. I'm glad I could be the unwitting object lesson.

Now let's see if I can find the story online and can copy and paste it here, or if I'm gonna have to type the whole darn thing!

I love the internet...

(btw, Snopes.com calls this story "undetermined" as it apparently has circulated for a while and is written in the fashion of a news story, though no article in Women's day or anywhere else has been found. I say, who cares? It's a good story. Letting a child sing to their sibling is generally a good idea.)

Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her 3-year-old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling.

They found out that the new baby was going be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sang to his sister in mommy’s tummy.

He was building a bond of love with his little sister before he even met her.

The pregnancy progressed normally for Karen, an active member of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in Morristown , Tennessee

In time, the labor pains came. Soon it was every five minutes, every three, every minute. But serious complications arose during delivery and Karen found herself in hours of labor.

Would a C-section be required? Finally, after a long struggle, Michael’s little sister was born. But she was in very serious condition.

With a siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushed the infant to the neonatal intensive care unit at St. Mary’s Hospital, Knoxville ,Tennessee. The days inched by. The little girl got worse. The pediatrician had to tell the parents there is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst.

Karen and her husband contacted a local cemetery about a burial plot. They had fixed up a special room in their house for their new baby but now they found themselves having to plan for a funeral. Michael, however, kept begging his parents to let him see his sister.

"I want to sing to her," he kept saying.

Week two in intensive care looked as if a funeral would come before the week was over.

Michael kept nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care. Karen decided to take Michael whether they liked it or not.

If he didn’t see his sister right then, he may never see her alive. She dressed him in an oversized scrub suit and marched him into ICU.

He looked like a walking laundry basket.

The head nurse recognized him as a child and bellowed,

‘Get that kid out of here now. No children are allowed..’

The mother rose up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glared steel-eyed right into the head nurse’s face, her lips a firm line.

‘He is not leaving until he sings to his sister’ she stated.

Then Karen towed Michael to his sister’s bedside. He gazed at the tiny infant losing the battle to live. After a moment, he began to sing.

In the pure-hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sang:

‘You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

you make me happy when skies are gray.’

Instantly the baby girl seemed to respond.

The pulse rate began to calm down and become steady.

‘Keep on singing, Michael,’ encouraged Karen with tears in her eyes.

‘You never know, dear, how much I love you,

please don’t take my sunshine away.’

As Michael sang to his sister, the baby’s ragged, strained breathing became as smooth as a kitten’s purr.

‘Keep on singing, sweetheart.’

‘The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms’

Michael’s little sister began to relax as rest, healing rest, seemed to sweep over her.

‘Keep on singing, Michael.’

Tears had now conquered the face of the bossy head nurse. Karen glowed.

‘You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.’

The next day…the very next day, the little girl was well enough to go home.

2009-04-20T15:28:00.002-05:00

Lord, I'm tired.
So tired from walking
And, Lord, I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while.

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
That's my everything.

Oh, and didn't You see me cryin'?
Oh, and didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down.

And this is all,
This is all that I can say right now.
I know it's not much
But this is all that I can give
Yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, right now
I know it's not much.
Well, this is all that I can give
Yeah, that's my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here.
I didn't know that
That was You holding me.
I didn't notice You were cryin' too.
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet.

And this is all,
This is all that I can say right now.
Oh, I know it's not much
But this is all that I can give
Yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, right now
I know it's not much
Well, this is all that I can give
Yeah, that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now,
Oh, I know it's not much
But this is all that I can give
Yeah that's my everything.
Yeah that's my everything.
Yeah that's my everything.
Every
thing.

Just Keep Swimming Just Keep Swimming Just Keep Swimming

2009-04-16T23:28:00.003-05:00

Here I am, while my sweet husband (who refuses to go to bed without me) snoozes on the living room floor. I have tried to get him to go to bed, I promise! I am a little multiple personality disorder-y lately. It's fun to be able to label myself with psychiatric disorders! Seriously, I woke up this morning feeling good. For the first time in a long time, I did not spend too long trying to convince myself it was worth it to get out of bed. OK maybe I did that a little, but not really long. Have I mentioned how nice it is to have such good sifties that change diapers, get each other fed, dressed, and basically clean? I am grateful for my amazing kids. I did pretty well most of the day. We dropped Angel off at play practice (He's in a Shakespeare play with a homeschool group), went to Costco, picked up Angel, and went to Barnes and Noble to get Robert's birthday present (and look for a kids' cookbook at Oliver's request, any suggestions?). Then b/c of traffic we got home after Robert, and left immediately to go to dinner with my sister and her fam' at Macaroni Grill at Robert's request. I did OK, until the end of dinner when smells and sounds started to overwhelm my senses, and I got annoyed with myself b/c these are pregnancy symptoms, and I have no right to feel them. On top of that, I have been sneezing like crazy for weeks, my throat itches randomly, and my eyes and ears are itchy. People keep telling me it's allergies, which I've never had and don't really want to go to the doctor to deal with on top of everything. Have I mentioned out health Insurance sucks? We pay out of pocket for everything b/c our deductible is so high. I don't even see the point in having insurance when it's like this. Unless one of us came up with a ridiculous disease (like cancer, knock on wood) we'll never make our deductible in a year.

And now I am just up, b/c Thursday is supposed to be our Friday, since Robert takes most Fridays off after working 10 hour days M-Th. Add 3 hours travel time every M-Th and it makes for a reeeeaaally long week until Thursday! Then Robert and I usually stay up watching mindless television and talking, so we can spend Friday and Saturday with the kids. I've been playing insomniac for so long that Robert is short on hours and sleep lately (OK, for about the past year, eyes rolling over here), and I don't know how long we can keep this up. He has a great job, but the commute is killing us. But we both know he is where he needs to be right now; we have no idea why, but we know it is right. Boy, I wish I knew everything. No, not really, that would be too much responsibility. I wish I knew a bit more that I know now. That'll do.

And now I am simply typing to have something to do.

Horatio is officially a "big kid" now! He uses the potty and has accidents only occasionally. He picked it up very quickly once we stopped putting pull-ups on him. We are so proud of him. he seems so little to be such a big kid. (*sniff)

And now I must go do some school research or watch tv online, and maybe get my husband to bed. The floor can't be comfortable.

Another song on the cd Robert made recently: "When the going get's tough, the tough get going." Good one.

Catharsis and Closure

2009-04-14T22:33:00.009-05:00

Pause the music to the right and press "play" above, so you can get the whole soundtrack effect here!

Today I went to see an OB/Gyn that many friends and acquaintances recommended. My oldest sister came to watch the kids, and Robert came home early to go with me. I was really nervous, not knowing how my uncontrollable emotions would come out. I was also kind of weirded out when we got to the doctor's office and there was a big sign on the door saying "No children allowed", and another one by the sign-in spot telling you to reschedule your appointment if you do have children with you. I can understand the logic and comfort factor for other patients, but it was still just weird to me. We waited and waited. We went in, got weighed, did a urine sample, and finally they did a pelvic exam and an internal ultrasound. It was interesting to see my uterus bigger than normal, but as the doctor pointed out there wasn't even a gestational sac, much less a sifty in there. He was a very nice doctor. He sat with us and explained things very gently. I could tell he was choosing his words carefully, but also wanted to be sure we knew that this was definitely a miscarriage. He did point out that saving the "tissue" past about 12 hours is pointless from a pathology stand point, so now you know. Unless you go in to the doctor really soon after a miscarriage there is not much testing they can/will do on the "remains" (for lack of a better word). The doctor also made it very clear that most miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities, not having to do with anything we did or could have done. It's pretty much just statistics. In my research I found quite a few people saying that about 15% of pregnancies are miscarried (which is about 1 in 7 for those of you too lazy to do the math), so I just figured I was due. The doctor we saw told us a figure much higher, like 25% or more, which as he pointed out makes ME the anomoly, having given birth 6 times already with absolutely no problems! Strangely, that made me feel better. The whole experience was cleansing for me. Perhaps it was knowing that it is at least over mostly (still bleeding, but no more huge pains or clots) and that there is not anything more that needs to be done, except the Doc does want to monitor my HCG levels to make sure they go all the way down to zero again, which would indicate that my body is indeed done with this prenancy.

It's strange how much better I felt after walking out of the doctor's office. Robert was very contemplative the whole time. I think it was finally hitting him while we were there. Overall I am not mourning for this baby, b/c I don't believe this baby had her spirit in this body yet. I believe she is still waiting to come to us. I am sort of grieving for the "might have beens" like having a halloween baby and being pregnant with my sister and being fussed over by friends and family. Silly things. This little body may not have even gotten to the point where I think of "losing" this pregnancy. It could have stopped developing days or weeks before the bleeding even started. This is not to diminish the very real and devastating grief felt by anyone else, this is just how I am feeling now. I cannot imagine someone having to go through a D&C where they have to "clean you out" or giving birth to a later term baby that is fully formed and much larger. When we got home Robert and I buried what I had saved in the front garden, more for closure than anything else. It felt good to give it to the soil, so that the nutrients can be used for feeding the grass and flowers instead of just flushed.

At this point I have progressed from being bipolar (though I have my moments) to being a victim of Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome. It's nice to have a neat little title for how I am feeling. I am fine one minute then something triggers me, and I am trying to breathe and figure out where I am and keep myself here. For instance Robert made me a cd, as I mentioned before. He wanted it to be an upbeat, fun cd, so he put a cool version of "Kung Fu Fighting" on it. It's a better version than the reeeeeeaaally slow one that's out there (that may be the original, but I dunno'), and I think the good one is the Kung Fu Panda one (good movie, btw). Well it came on while we were in the car and the lyrics hit me and I was crying in the middle of the street in the middle of a conversation which had nothing to do with anything. The phrase "What would it take to break? I believe that you can bend" made me remember that Heavenly Father feels that way about me. He knows I can do this. And the line "the future is a little bit frightening" hit me too, b/c I am looking forward to trying again but not looking forward to the anxiety that will inevitably come with it. And if I knew how to imbed just music directly into a post, I would do that for you. If I do figure it out, just be sure to pause my music player on the side, so you can hear it.

Chorus:
Everybody is Kung Fu Fighting
Your mind becomes fast as lightning
Although the future is a little bit fright'ning
It's the book of your life that you're writing

You're a diamond in the rough
A brilliant ball of clay
You could be a work of art
If you just go all the way
Now what would it take to break
I believe that you can bend
Not only do you have to fight
But you have got to win

(Chorus)

Oooooouuhhh

You are a natural
Why is it so hard to see
Maybe it's just because
You keep on looking at me
The journey's a lonely one
So much more than we know
But sometimes you've got to go
Go on and be your own hero

(Chorus)

Defined: Sifties

2009-04-13T11:30:00.003-05:00

I suppose since I use the word so much (and since Aby asked) I should define it for you .

Buuuuut, there's really not a definition except it means little kids, to Robert and I it means CUTE little kids (specifically ours), but that's pretty much it. Maybe Rebecca will come over to my blog and comment for me, since it's her word! I'll FB her.

Background:
In college, the semester before Robert and I got engaged, I tried out for a traveling children's production of Rumpelstiltskin. I did not make the cast. However a friend of mine that did, pointed out my technical experience (and willingness) to the directors (a couple of the coolest grad students you'll ever meet) and they asked me to be their "Stage Manager." This really meant keeping track of stuff and running the sound, but it was 1 of the most fun experiences I have ever had. We mostly traveled during the day to localish elementary schools, carrying our minimal set (read: huge storybook), costumes, etc with us. It was always fun, and the cast were all very talented & crazy so we had a blast! We even traveled to Wyoming (I think it was) very shortly after Robert and I got engaged for a couple of nights stay, during which the school/department paid for us to stay at a hotel and gave us money for meals (20 bucks a day each! Which was a ton to me at the time.). I can't even tell you about our secret initiation rites b/c then I'd have to kill you. But know that it was some good times. Point is, sifty is a word Rebecca used to use when we would pull up to the school or see lots of kids as we drove by or came into the schools. She would do this funny thing where she pinched her own cheeks sort of (kind of like the asl sign for cat) and say, "sifty!" It was so funny (Rebecca was a hoot!), and for some reason Robert and I actually remembered it long enough to start calling our kids that, 2 years later when we had out first. To be fair and to note that I haven't forgotten anyone, Rebecca was the co-director, but I can't remember her friend/co-director's name, who I do remember and can picture in my head, it might have been Deeanne or something close to it. Dana!? Maybe some of the FB crowd will remember and comment for me! Justin? Ken? Also of note, I'd like to thank Justin for giving me my first ever filet mignon on the trip to Wyoming. Yum! And if anyone remembers the rest of the cast's names and they are on FB I wouldn't mind catching up with them. That's where my brain is right now. Thanks also to Rebecca's mom for hosting the cast at least once (which was probably once too many!). To this day, when I think of a clean bathroom I think of Rebecca's mom's house, her whole house just looked so put together and nice.

Random other things I remember about the cast: Ken used to drive the van, and we were stopped at a red light at Bulldog and University Avenue once, and there was this couple making out in front of us in their front seat, so Ken honked at them and the guy almost got into an accident b/c he actually punched on the accelerator before he unlocked lips with his chick. But the light was red still. It was really funny at the time. OK it's still funny.

Rebecca used to drive sometimes, too, and she was not very "happy" with other drivers. To this day, when I am annoyed by other people I hear in my head Rebecca in that weird, excorcism voice, "IDIOT!"

Time to go write on some walls.

The TMI Post: Don't Read Anymore Unless You Really Want to Hear it. You Have Been Warned.

2009-04-13T01:06:00.005-05:00

I want so badly to vent, but I am still so confused that I don't know where to start. I am trying to understand what I am feeling, but my brain is still refusing to settle down enough to actually think about anything for more than a few minutes, much less analyze anything. When I try to think about what I am feeling my brain jumps ship to whatever random topic it can latch onto. I can't even write stuff down about my being psycho chick all day. I find myself constantly apologizing to Robert, while he graciously blows it off telling me I haven't done anything... but I have yelled at him and the sifties so much it's painful. Yesterday I figured I wouldn't make it past the first hour of church. Then we got a call asking if Robert could sub in Isa's Primary class (the 5 year olds). B/c of sick people out there, a male can't teach a Primary class alone, so I had a need to fill and a reason to remain at church for all 3 hours. Mixed feelings: Annoyance ("Now I have to stay..."), gladness ("At least I'm needed."), exhaustion (I've stayed up until 5 am for 2 nights, until 3:45 1 night, and here I am again...), gratitude ("Heavenly Father knows I'm trying, failing, but trying, and failing, and trying some more."), confusion ("What is the point of all this."). Above all I was not wanting to face being in a large gathering of people, among whom are some who suspect I am pregnant (b/c we don't tell before about 12 weeks, for the sad reason of possible miscarriage which has never happened until now), some who know I have miscarried, and some who know nothing and probably don't care. As a wise person once pointed out, "Do you think these people really care what you are doing? They've all got their own problems!" (not in a mean way of course, but it's true. I often think people are laughing or talking about me when that's totally stupid!) I really did not want the emotional frustration of dealing with having to constantly go to the bathroom to check bleeding (inconspicuously, of course), put on my happy face and tell people I'm just tired (when I am so confused and vacillate between feeling dead inside and a million other emotions), and avoid anyone talking to me long enough to inquire if I am pregnant.

I had been having a tiny bit of pink when I went to the bathroom for about 4 to 5 days before my midwife appointment last Tuesday. I was 10 weeks, 4 days according to my edd, based on my last period. She tried to hear the heartbeat, but couldn't and we didn't think anything of it b/c -as Robert pointed out- we've never heard any of the kids heartbeats this early. The whole time, I have not been worried at all. I have freaked out completely in previous pregnancies over a tiny bit of blood or cramps or anything I felt weird about. This time it was as though the Spirit was compelling me to be totally calm. I could not freak out if I tried. I asked Robert when we were going to call our moms to announce the news (Moms have to be the first to be told, right?)... Then Wednesday morning I had bright red blood. I got a little worried, but still felt this overwhelming calm.

Here's where the TMI starts, so now's your chance to turn back...

I stopped using tampons a while back, and use a Diva cup now (brand name for a menstrual cup, kind of like a diaphragm, but it holds up to an ounce, so you have something reusable, cleanable, doesn't leak, and you only have to empty it twice a day. It really is nice and sanitary). Well, I figured this was perfect for keeping track of how much blood I'm losing. I lost a good 4 oz before the afternoon, checking at least every half hour. Then I put it in again, sat down for 15 minutes, felt like I needed to check it again, and no sooner than I sat down in the bathroom than it literally fell out with a lot of "stuff" (easily 2 ounces worth by volume, mostly red, some liver looking, lots of big pieces, and some whitish tissue, pretty big, maybe the size of a 10 week old fetus, but not anything that looked like a baby). I (already wearing surgical gloves) reached in and got the stuff out, saving it in a small plastic container, as I had done some research online and a lot of people suggest saving it for testing later (especially as I suspect I had a very early miscarriage a few months ago). I saved everything for the rest of that day until I stopped having enough to use the cup, and switched to pads.

Hey I warned you in the title, this was TMI. Your bad for reading this far if you are grossed out by now! But I want to record this for me and for anyone who may have questions like me.

I talked to my midwife a few times, and she confirmed what I thought: there's not much anyone can do at this point, so it's just as good to wait unless I see signs of infection. My big sister came over as well as a friend from church and hung out and helped a bit on Thursday. I even went to a meeting Thursday night, feeling like I'd rather go out than allow myself to wallow at home.

The bleeding slowed down, we went out to do errands eventually on the weekend, and I have pretty much stayed glued to my chair besides. My energy level is rising and falling in waves. I have had waves of contractions (and cramps, and believe you me I know the difference) after the big "stuff coming out" which is confusing me more. Why is my body acting like it's in labor when it's all (mostly?) out already? The bleeding will slow, then get heavy and clott-y again. I keep having random muscle pain and cramps and backaches. I am frustrated and mad at no one in particular, b/c it's just not fair that it hurts and it so messy and no one ever warns you about this. In fact when we called the ER on Saturday to kind of get an idea if this was normal, I got mad. If you know me, you know I have had all of my children "naturally," painfully (except for the last, which was drug free and pain free, Yeah Hypnobabies!), so I have no problem with dealing with childbirth to get a baby! But I felt like the guy on the phone was telling me to suck it up. Most women would walk in there and say they are in labor and the first thing a hospital does is offer her drugs to take away the pain, but a woman has a miscarriage and the guy is like, "Eh, that's normal." I wanted drugs. Why should I put up with this pain, when I am getting nothing at the end?

Whew.

Sorry, had to vent.

Now that I've vented, if you are still with me, let me share some insights I have had, grudgingly, but good. I found myself thinking about the fact that I know I chose to come to Earth for a purpose, to get a body, have certain experiences to learn and grow, and prove that I want to go back to live with God (that's the really short version). If this experience draws me closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus, then it's totally worth it. (I thought that kind of grudgingly.)

Later Robert and I were talking, and I was explaining to him some of my feelings, and I thought without hesitation that I would do this a hundred times over again if it brings me closer to Robert. Now you can see right here that I am imperfect, as I value my relationship with Robert more than with my Creator, but I'm working on that (at least it's not money...), sincerely. Pretty soon after that I shared with Robert that if this brings me closer to them then I want to/will do it willingly, but I don't really want to. It is a trait I am working on daily, wanting what Heavenly Father wants for me, and not what I want (like the spoiled child that I am most of the time). My brain is shutting down, so my words are dribbling forth. I apologize.

Thanks for hanging around for a bit.

Random thought: in church today it dawned on me, "I don't cook Easter dinner. Aren't I supposed to cook some ham or turkey dinner and have family over? I feel like a failure at being a domestic queen." At least we had an Easter egg hunt and talked about the resurrection.

Then I spent a good part of the evening getting my hopes up falsely by searching the internet for stories of "miscarriages" and heavy bleeding where the mom is still pregnant afterwards; there are quite a lot actually... at least now I'm not totally in the pits of despair, but when I crash Tuesday after my appointment I'll be mad at myself (stupid self!).

I haven't had the guts to tell Horatio yet. How do I tell him? He's been more aware of this pregnancy than I ever imagined he would be, pointing out there's a baby in my tummy and putting a teddy bear in his shirt and walking around saying, "I have a baby in my tummy, Mommy!" It was so cute, and just a few days ago!

Little things. I need to relax so badly and I keep thinking I can just sit back and listen to my Hypnobabies pregnancy affirmations. Then I realize, I can't. They're all about being healthy and baby being healthy and growing and good... I was so looking forward to practicing my Hypnobabies again.

Come back, OK? I promise I'll be better soon.

sigh

i can do this i can do this i can do this

Robert made me a cd. He titled it "Happy Together." He wants so badly to help and make me happy. I'm sorry, my love. Thank you.

I am Claiming Bipolarity Due to Miscarriage

2009-04-10T22:43:00.002-05:00

I've always had mood swings.

But the past 2 days have been crazy.

I can go from numb, to utterly grateful, to angry, to sobbing, to ready to go out, to ready to take a bath, to ready to be done with everything, to ready to stay up all night all within a matter of maybe an hour. It's really weird. And even as it's happening, I feel a complete loss of control, and wonderment at how psychotic I can be. It would be entertaining if it wasn't so pathetic.

Robert is doing his best at biting his tongue and not biting off my head when I do it to him for no other reason than that he doesn't know how to prepare hot dogs to take to the drive-in.

The kids are enjoying asking me if they can play Spore, b/c I generally answer, "I don't care."

Horatio is enjoying the cuddle time, and I am totally enjoying being entertained by watching Elisabeth-Jane be cute.

I am also not enjoying the debilitating fits of crying when I am not expecting it. I am entirely empathetic towards people who are bi-polar.

I am also having trouble articulating (or whatever the word for articulating is when you are writing) how I am feeling, b/c I am going through a surreal period right now. This obviously isn't happening.

BTW, I love the George Lopez show. He's funny. I'm hungry, but I don't really feel any motivation to eat anymore without somebody else to feed, and I certainly don't need the extra calories.

My head is killing me, but I am refusing to take any aspirin or ibuprophen under the completely made up assumption (by my imagination) that I was really pregnant with more than one baby and I'm still pregnant. Whew. Feels good to admit it. We'll know Tuesday, barring any complications before then, since I have an appointment with an OB to double check that everything is... ok. Did I say that in my last post? Hey, I have a right to my ridiculous fantasies.

Little known fact about having a miscarriage: it hurts. It tends to make me cranky. I feel like it's adding insult to injury. You know, the Universe should know it's not fair for something so emotionally painful to actually be physically painful, too. I think a petition should be started.

I think my brain is having a hard time processing this, so it's jumping all over the place b/c I'm scared to stop and think about it. But, ironically my head hurts worse when I close my eyes, so I'm up.

I am 99.99% sure that sometime in the future I will look back on this and say, "I'm glad things didn't happen the way I wanted them to at the time, look how much better it is now," but right now I just wish I was still pregnant. I wish I could've called my mom to tell her last week -finally- that I was pregnant and tell her the line I've been practicing since we found out, "I figured since I'd been pregnant at the same time as Tricia (my oldest sister), I'd also get pregnant at the same time as Charlotte (my other older sister, who is pregnant with her first now)" then wait for my mom to work out what I said. That was gonna be fun. Then she'd yell at Cliff in another room, "Cliiiff, guess who's pregnant again?" I'd probably tell everybody at church this weekend, too. That way my good friend Marsha will stop telling me to see a doctor for my mood problems, b/c I could finally point out why I've been a bit crazier than usual lately. sigh. Writing all this down doesn't make me cry right now (maybe later), and I have no idea why. I don't feel empty. I feel nonplussed. I feel like I bought a brand new car, filled it with gas, oil and everything it might need, and even washed it, only to have it break down a block away from the dealership. Logically, I understand this happens to women all over the world all the time, but I don't have these problems. I hardly ever even got sick before I got married. But everyone has stuff happen, and I really do get it, "It can happen to anyone, even me." So maybe I'm really surprised by how surprised I am...?

I can't get my head around this and I'm starting to not be able to see anymore, and if I cry any more my head will explode, so I'm going to watch mindless tv and enjoy my denial a little while longer.

at least until Tuesday.

Thanks for visiting me.

Good News, Mostly

2009-04-09T22:31:00.005-05:00

I had hoped for this post to be full of only good news, but alas, life is life, so here goes. I have had my first known miscarriage. I'm not sure if it's totally done, and we are just waiting it out at this point, though we do have an appointment with a doctor for Tuesday to double check that everything is ok, besides the fact that the child I carried for 10 1/2 weeks won't be with us in October as we hoped. I am overwhelmed by conflicting emotions, and overall don't know how I feel, except I hurt. It's surreal to me who has never had pregnancy problems. Maybe I was really pregnant with multiple sifties and a baby is still growing inside of me right now...

but probably not.

Now it's time for me to list some good news, before I can't see the keyboard for the tears.

I have the most caring, unselfish, kind, sweet, loving husband in the universe (sorry ladies, he's mine!). He wants nothing more in this life than to love and care for me.

I have 5 beautiful, intelligent, sweet, obedient, kind, helpful, silly, and wonderful sifties who love me for some unknown reason.

I have a home.

My husband has a job and all of our bills get paid on time.

I know who God is, that He loves me, and He has a plan for me and my family and everyone else. I know His plan is perfect, no matter how much I don't understand.

I know who Jesus Christ is. I know he lived, taught, healed, suffered, and died for many reasons, all of them good. I know He lives today, with God, and has made a way for me to live with both of them again, perfect, whole, and with all of my family if I can just hang in there and have faith and do my best... and get back up again when I screw up (a lot).

so why am I so scared that I will never birth another child again? If I don't, I'll know that that was the plan all along. But this seems like a righteous desire: to help more of God's children come to Earth in a loving family. I'm only 32. Could I really be done? And if I am, how ungrateful am I to want more?

Sorry.

Good news:

Robert loves me.
Angel,
Oliver,
Isa,
Horatio,
Elisabeth-Jane,
Tricia,
Marsha,
and many others
love me.

Right?
Right!

Heavenly Father loves me.
Jesus loves me.

It's all going to be ok.
But if you tell me that, I will have to hit you.

For now, empathy or sympathy and prayers are welcome and needed.

and I love you.

Sleeping Sifties

2009-03-16T22:19:00.006-05:00

I Really Need to be More Consistent

2009-03-15T20:50:00.000-05:00

and post more often. Maybe it will help if I upload the pics from my camera tonight.

Wish me luck.

Here I Am Still

2009-03-04T11:20:00.002-06:00

I got a call from Kelsey-Seybold yesterday, they actually left a message(!) something to the effect of rescheduling. I was in no mood to call back, but they called this morning which saved me the trouble. I'll give you 1 guess as to what they wanted.

I just told them to cancel the appointment.

I can't express how frustrated I am. The girlfriend who referred this doctor seems very much like me in temperament and how she is with people, so I was really thinking this doctor would be a good fit for me. One of the few things I miss about Utah is that I knew all my doctors, and they knew me. In fact, after we were no longer full time students and had to drop the BYU insurance, I never really replaced my old BYU doctor, I simply talked to the midwives about whatever I needed (since I was pretty much their patient for 6 years). I hate having to explain my entire strange medical history to new doctors. Especially as my medical history has some weirdness to it and my body is just strange. We could spend a full year until the doctor knows my name, much less all my medical quirks.

And so begins the search for a doctor that I feel comfortable with (female), takes my insurance, and isn't too far away. BTW, when I go through the search on our insurance website within 10 miles of me it comes up with thousands of doctors (I'm not exaggerating).

And so it's Wednesday.

*sigh*

And you're all thinking right now, "That's just normal, stop whining, April."

and I'm thinking, "This is my blog, so you don't get to tell me to stop whining. So there." (and then I stick my tongue out at you and pout for a while.)

I wish Robert was home. or is it correct to say I wish Robert were home? *double sigh*

Here I am

2009-02-28T00:20:00.003-06:00

Last Friday I had a doctor's appointment. A good friend of mine spoke very highly of this doctor, so I found the doctor on the internet, called, gave out a whole lot of information over the phone, and made an appointment. I have not heard much good about Kelsey-Seybold clinics (basically just big and impersonal), but I trust this friend and have put off going to the doctor for too long.

So Robert and I trooped all 5 kids out to a big, shiny (read: overpriced everything) office I normally would never set foot in, only to discover 10 minutes later that my appointment had been cancelled.

I said, "I didn't cancel it. Who cancelled it?" The receptionist looked at me funny, then after glancing at her computer again said, "Oh, the doctor did; she's on emergency leave." I asked something to the effect of why didn't someone call me and she rattled off a whole slew of numbers that sounded like my phone number, and I nodded without thinking, then Robert came up behind me and said "no that's the wrong area code."

Houston has at least 2 area codes, so you have to be clear when giving your phone number out, and I always am. I remember telling the guy on the phone my entire number, but when the receptionist repeated it, it sounded like he had assumed I had the opposite area code and put that in, automatically adding the first 7 numbers I said onto the end! At this point I'm thinking, "What a dork!", but I'm cool. Then the receptionist proceeds to tell me that they rescheduled it for me for a Tuesday, and I'm thinking, "YOU rescheduled MY appointment, without asking me when was good for me?" But I digress.

And we reschedule for next Friday. You see, Friday is Robert's day off, so he can come to help me corral the kids and to be my emotional support and to remind me of any questions or details I forget to talk to the doctor about. We confirmed my phone number, and left disappointed b/c I was looking forward to seeing the doctor.

Fast forward to today, finally. I was worried when I didn't receive a reminder call yesterday, so I called this morning to confirm. They told me that they did call, but there was no answer, so I didn't get a reminder. Apparently it's not an actual PERSON who calls you, it's a "service" (read: machine) that only reminds you if you answer. Well, I don't answer my phone if I don't know who it is, and my so-called caller id only gives me a number, not a name unless I have put it in my phone book. GREAT. I gritted my teeth and confirmed my appointment, for the right time, with the right doctor.

We showed up early, the receptionist confirmed my information and the doctor, took my insurance info, then told us to wait. We waited. Watching the stupid tvs on 3 different channels all with the sound turned too low to hear, though there were less than a dozen people in the cavernous waiting room, not to mention (oops, mentioned) they all had signs that said "no channel requests" on them. So we didn't make a request, but changed the channel ourselves (who really watches cnn?). We waited for about 15-20 minutes (standard, right?), but my girlfriend had noted that this doctor is one who will spend time with you regardless of other appointments if needed, so I was patient, b/c I knew it meant I would have a doctor who would give me all the time I need. And I need time.

They called my name, we gathered the impatient children, we went up to the nurse-type lady and she acted confused. She said she didn't call my name, and was talking with another person. I stood there, children circling like little vultures (had I fed them lunch? no... duhn duhn duhn), she finally talked to me and asked me about my appointment. I said I have an appointment with so and so at 2:45. She looked at me funny (this is never a good sign) and said, "No you have an appointment with a different so and so, your so and so isn't in today, and she is still out on emergency leave." I pointed out that I didn't come to see different so and so, I made an appointment with original so and so! Original so and so is the person my friend recommended, not her practice, her. She looked at me funny. "You don't want to see different so and so?"

You ALL should be very proud of me. I said nothing for probably 3 full seconds. I wanted to strangle someone, or at the very least yell at one of the 3 separate people who NAMED the doctor when confirming my appointment. I said very calmly to the lady, "I really wish the receptionist would have said something when I told her the doctor's name or the person I confirmed with on the phone today." She looked a little like I did shout at her. I was looking anywhere but her face, b/c I knew if I looked at her I would cry or scream. She disappeared for a full five minutes to go talk to someone in the mysterious back room. When she came back "they" had once again rescheduled MY appointment without asking me when was good for me! Guess when?

Yep, a Tuesday.

I calmly pointed out to her that I can only come on Friday. I should have sounded it out like dealing with a lip reader, but I contained myself. She pointed out that she might have Friday open, but original so and so wouldn't be back until Monday, so would I like the Tuesday appointment? I gave her TMI about my personal life, husband, and children. She disappeared again. What is in this room? It must be the supercomputers that can make reminder calls but only if you answer the phone, or is it the robots who can reschedule appointments only according to what's good for the doctor? I gave her until Robert got back from changing 2 separate kids' diapers. A different lady came back with 10 seconds to spare, handing me a new appointment card and explaining to me the date and time like I was four years old. I avoided her eyes (again with the possible crying and screaming) and walked out, calling everyone else to straggle along behind me.

Robert made some comment about how we should complain as we got off of the elevator, but I knew that would only make me more upset, b/c he had already spent half of his usual day off at work, then we wasted over half an hour of what was left of our day at a nonexistent doctor's appointment.

I'm not mad at the doctor. I assume someone actually died or is really sick in her family to take over a week off so suddenly. I'm not even mad at the idiot who "took" my phone number. I even understand that doctors routinely fill in for other doctors when they can't make appointments. But the receptionists should at least tell the patient that they will be seeing a different doctor. This is why I avoid large practices, with large waiting rooms, and mysterious back rooms.

Maybe they are the real reason for my needing to see this doctor... discuss amongst yourselves.

In Case You Were Wondering...

2009-02-24T14:12:00.004-06:00

these knives...

... are sharp.

Seriously, that's not a picture of my actual finger (although the first pic IS of my actual knife). I got it from here (where you can learn to make your finger look like that, too!), but it felt that bad and still stings. I'll post a picture once I take the bandage off, so you can all get your sick kicks. 3 stitches, baby!

My first stitches ever; aren't you proud, mom?

But really for real seriously, first rule of knife skills people: Always pay attention! (translation: when the baby is screaming, don't let her in the kitchen while you are making dinner!)

And here's a shout out to Ginger who dropped everything to come over when I thought I might pass out with no other adults around and 5 kids to care for, and a shout out to Marsha for coming over and watching said kids while Ginger drove me to the emergency room. Thank you, sisters. It's good to be loved by you.

Two Posts in One Day: Aren't You Blessed?! OR My First Blog Contest! (Sort of)

2009-02-19T22:40:00.003-06:00

I couldn't pass up this offer with the accompanying challenge from Tiffany, so here goes.

First Five Gimme Gimme

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! my choice. for you. this offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!

2. What I create will be just for you.

3. It’ll be done this year. {translation: you may be waiting a little while}

4. You have no clue what it’s going to be … it may be cards, a poem, a bookmark, something yummy or a complete surprise to you (and me!) … who knows? not you, that’s for sure!

5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

6. Most importantly, you must offer the same deal on your blog - the first 5 people to comment on your blog (or if you do not have a blog, facebook) get something made by YOU!

7. The first 5 people to do so and leave a comment telling me they did, win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me …

So, let's see if you are in a commenting mood!

There's a Kitty on My Lap, So You Get a New Post otherwise entitled: A Couple of Things I've Done Lately

2009-02-19T15:46:00.002-06:00

A while back, I got really tired of the projector "screen" (a big piece of Black-out fabric) hanging on the wall in the living room. It was just ugly. So I went to my good friend, Google (yes, we are on a first name terms; little know fact: He does have a middle and last name, but I can't reveal them due to copyright infringement) and discovered he knows a lot about making your own projector screen. Big, clunky, I want my living room to be a Home Theatre projector screens.

His knowledge of a working screen that still says "people live in this house" was woefully absent.

Then it dawned on me: I had seen exactly what I'd like somewhere before... now where was it?

Oh yeah, at church.

Am I the only one who finds this weird?

I believe I was probably the first person to use this screen in years when I rolled it down for the Ward Christmas Party. It is awesome, perfect for a huge presentation as it is ginormous! Much bigger than I needed, otherwise I may have been forced to "borrow" it for a bit, in order to figure out how to build my own.

However, being the good mother of 5 children and wife to a very handsome man, I carry my camera everywhere I go and was able to take pictures of the mother screen and come up with my own plans. Here's the original.

And here's the still needs tweaking full-on instructions to Build Your Own Roll-up Projector Screen on Google Docs.

All rights reserved, you may only make copies for personal use and if you sell it to anyone in any form I will be forced to be not happy with you. Whew (my lawyer makes me say all that)

And here are a few random pics of the process. The first is me using a staple gun. It's just fun.

This one is Robert trying to get me to smile and staple my fingers at the same time.

This is a shot of my messy cutting table in my "office slash craft room", but really the point is to show how the fabric is all crumpled up while I staple it on top before adding the pipe on the bottom, and the rope, pulleys, etc.

And here it is,

down.

and here it is, up!

So you can all see the pointless "Preacher's Bar" and built in bookshelves which hold that and so much more.

I haven't put up a cleat for it yet, b/c I am lazy and just haven't bought or made one, so I'm using the connectors for the gate we took down once EJ could go up and down stairs by herself.

It works.

Next project: After Robert and I went out on Valentine's Day I got the chocolate bug. I'd wanted to make some treats for Relief Society, so I went overboard.

It was a nice swim.

Our cute babysitter, Ashleigh (hope I spelled it right), stayed and helped, and Molly even came over to facilitate us making more of a mess!

We ended up with mint truffles,

chocolate chip truffles, almond truffles, cocoa truffles, non-pareils, chocolate dipped graham crackers, chocolate flowers (also some white chocolate flowers),

and chocolate dipped strawberries... Ashleigh especially enjoyed the drizzling with white chocolate process.

Don't forget, if you'd like to drool some more, that you can click on all the pics and get them full resolution!

YAY!

Want the recipes? I am a sharing chef, not a Swedish Chef.

OK, some days I'm a Swedish Chef, "Schmork de schmork!"

Flashback in February

2009-02-15T21:55:00.011-06:00

In November, Oliver celebrated his 9th birthday by having a small party with a few friends. He wanted a 5 (!) layer cake, so I did my best. It turned out looking like a chocolate fountain, so that's what I called it, and the kids bought it...

They did the usual: Snacks, cake, played some wii, opened some presents, and handed out some goodie bags when the kids left. Oliver had fun, and that's what mattered most.

A couple of weeks later, Horatio celebrated his 3rd birthday (although he insists when asked how old he is that he is "O"; I have no idea why). 3 years old is a little simpler to please than 9 years old, and he was happy with a cupcake enjoyed in the middle of Christmas cookie making. This was probably the first birthday where he actually blew out the candle. YAY!

For Posterity's sake (and arguments sake for next year), I must note here that Oliver put the Angel on the tree this year. We always use the big beautiful angel that the Wacasers gave us when Tiffany was decluttering before they went to Sweden. Our tree is kind of short, so the angel makes it a good height. We did try making it taller at first by putting it up on some boxes and taping it to them, but the kittens knocked it down a few too many times and we eventually gave up on that.

A good friend of mine (our Relief Society President) invited some of us moms (including all 9 of our kids!) over for a home-cooked lunch. She made some yummy, cheesy soup and rolls. Most of the kids poo-pood it, but the moms loved it, and we were able to chat while letting the kids play. The coolest thing (for the kids especially) was my girlfriend is one of those people that has a huge porcelain village for Christmas complete with a train running around the whole thing. It was really fun to watch the train go around and the lights on in all the little buildings; Life is all about the simple pleasures, right?

Last of all for this post, some good friends of ours offered to watch the kids one night (Thanks again Ellen and Jay!), so we could actually get our Christmas shopping done. When we got there to pick them up, we found the boys halfway through a game of Risk, and EJ and Horatio like this. Now let's see if I can sack out like that before it's tomorrow.

Maybe next post I can catch you up to February!

Another Answer: 9

2009-02-14T23:14:00.006-06:00

Question: How many pictures...

does it take...

to get 5 kids in focus...

just to show off...

the boys' haircuts?!

This 1 is my favorite.

Angel and Oliver look like superheroes (too fast for camera!), Isa looks disgustingly cute, Horatio looks like he's up to something, and EJ looks like she's throwing up (I assure you she was not).

Classic.

The Closest Thing to a Family "Portrait" We're Gonna Get

2009-01-26T20:58:00.002-06:00

The quintessential us: Oliver smiling cheese-ely, Isa showing off, Robert being lovable, April grinning nervously (b/c she feels fat in pictures, OK all the time), Eliza-Jane being gorgeous, Horatio trying to get away, and Angel being cool, just cool, dude. My Uncle Kearney got to come by for a short visit; we enjoyed his company immensely & tried to convince him to stay, but he had to get home, so we got a few good pictures. I'll post more later, including some great shots of "Camel Kearney".

Worth Doing

2009-01-02T02:21:00.005-06:00

This year I have cleverly devised an excel spreadsheet that has all of the scriptures to be read in 1 year. I am charging my family (Robert, I, Angel, and Oliver)(is that grammatically correct?) to use and keep up with it. Robert, at least is very excited! Considering that every Sunday is a catch up day, I think we can do it. If we do, we will have read the complete King James Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine & Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price before the year is out. I've also added memorizing the Articles of Faith, reading talks from the Prophet, reading your Patriarchal Blessing (if you have one), and special reading close to Christmastime. If you'd like to join us, please do so. I will figure out how to post the excel sheet on here if possible; for now, though, you can just email me and I'll send it to you. Also, as this is the first year for such a vast undertaking I don't know how well I organized it or if it is going to be very time intensive or too easy, so I'd love feedback.

And seriously, "Oh, the cleverness of me!" JK!

Happy New Year.

*UPDATE: Let's try this; I posted it on Google docs. Now get to reading, you're behind already!

What Did Robert Bring Me Home Today?

2008-12-31T16:10:00.004-06:00

Am I entirely unromantic in admitting that knowing that he got it for free was even better than having paid money for it!?

Answer: a fork

2008-12-31T15:46:00.002-06:00

Question: What random object did Robert pull out of his pocket after arriving home today? Ouch.

More on Our Trip to Utah

2008-12-27T01:57:00.011-06:00

If you haven't picked up on it, we took a trip to Utah in November for Robert's baby sister's wedding. We made it short so Robert wouldn't have to take too much time off of work, and so we would have the weekend back home to recover from traveling with 5 kids on 3 different airplanes. It was weird to think that we had moved from Utah almost 9 months previously. Wasn't it just yesterday? or at least last month... Anyways we had 3 people on the must see list (I promise I wanted to see more, but with wedding festivities we had only 1 day left to see friends): Janeece (my massage therapist who is gifted beyond words in her field), the VerHoefs (Sarah is also a great massage therapist, coincidentally), and Samantha (my best friend) & her family.

About a month before we went I called Janeece to schedule an early Christmas present for me in the form of an hour and a half massage. It was wonderful. After that we went to Samantha's and hung out with them for a while and had lunch (from Steak Out which we really miss in Houston). Samantha and her husband lived next door to us in Provo for a while. I remember the first time we met I asked her husband to borrow their drop spreader for weed n' feed. We invited them over for a barbecue sometime shortly thereafter, and became fast friends. Samantha and I are kindred spirits. People would always ask if we're sisters when we would go anywhere together. We got pregnant at the same time twice in a row. Her daughter and Isa have been best friends from the womb, and were born exactly a month apart, then her son and Horatio were born about 2 months apart. We've always had fun with them. So here are some cute pictures. We didn't really do much I guess. We ate lunch, the kids played inside (with toys and watching TV since we haven't had TV in a couple of years now) and
outside (with bikes and just running around in the cold) while Samantha and I talked. Samantha's kids have way too many toys, so the kids thoroughly enjoyed themselves, while I immensely enjoyed just hanging out with my best friend from Utah. We'd planned to go over to the VerHoef's for dinner, but ended up going to the Pizza Factory with them, so nobody would have to cook. It was OK, but our waitress copped a 'tude pretty soon after we got there, so that made things a lot less nice in the customer service area. After dinner we went over to their house and the kids and men hung out for a while , while Sarah and I popped over to the church for a Relief Society cookie exchange so I could say Hi to some of the women from our last ward. It was nice to be able to see a few more people than I had planned. We only stayed for a bit more once Sarah and I got home (it was a school night for those kids who weren't homeschooled nor on vacation), but it was fun. After that we actually went back to Samantha's (her hubby had just gotten home when we were leaving for dinner) and were able to play games until much too late on a night before we had to get up early for our flight back home. The younger boys fell asleep, while the girls played to their hearts' content, and Angel and Oliver joined the adults for board games. It was so fun. Samantha is the number 1 thing/person I miss about Provo. I'm trying to convince her to move to Houston, but I think she'd go to California 1st. I can dream. Sadly I got zero pictures from Dinner and games, but I am confident Heavenly Father will have wonderful albums full of countless pictures for me to look at later. You'll have to wait until you die to see them if you really want to.

I love Samantha, and she loves me.

p.s. Samantha has a blog, too. Go over to it and tell her to post more! Please!